It Was Violent To Me...

After hours of tossing and turning, I finally got some sleep last night.  I woke up this morning feeling as if I had been kicked in the stomach.  I know exactly what that feels like because it's happened to me before.  I am a survivor of domestic violence.  I am a survivor of rape.  I am a survivor. If you don't know my story, you can read about it here:

Transparency: This will explain a lot

Your Voice Will Save You

"When we own the story, we can write a brave new ending."

Last night, we all had the opportunity to vote on some major issues - but I cannot express enough how disappointed I am in California's uninformed voters.  When you voted for Proposition 57, did you ever look into what was meant by "nonviolent" crimes?  Here is a list of some of those crimes:

• Rape by intoxication
• Rape of on unconscious person
• Human Trafficking involving sex act with minors
• Drive-by shooting
• Assault with a deadly weapon
• Hostage Taking
• Attempting to explode a bomb at a hospital or school
• Domestic violence involving trauma
• Supplying a firearm to a gang member
• Hate crime causing physical injury
• Failing to register as a sex offender
• Arson
• Discharging a firearm on school grounds
• Lewd acts against a child 15 or 15
• False imprisonment of an elder through violence

We live in a state where we voted to not put condoms on porn stars, and to increase parole and good behavior opportunities for felons convicted of the crimes I listed above - many of which are the actual definition of violence.

Here is the argument you might use against this: "They aren't guaranteed to be released." No, they aren't.  But neither is the survivor.  While in the midst of trying to put their lives together, survivors will now have to re-live the crimes committed against them at each parole hearing.  If you've not been through these things, you have no idea just how traumatic that can be. 

This proposition truly had good intentions in some areas, but we should never vote to pass something that is only kind of good.  Push for something to come along that is truly good.  Rehabilitation of criminals is definitely needed, but it doesn't excuse what they have done.  Being truly rehabilitated, they should be apologetic to their victims - accepting responsibility and punishment for their crime rather than dragging the victim through it again.  Speaking from personal experience, domestic violence offenders are master manipulators.  They know exactly what to say and what to do to try to convince their victims and the public that they are truly sorry and won't do it again.  I don't think their tactics will change any further when it comes to them trying to earn back freedom they don't deserve. 

We let down a lot of survivors yesterday, California.

It was violent to them.

It was violent to me.

-jennilea

  

"Where the hoes at?!"

The room was dark and the music was loud at the most recent concert I went to. A group of hip-hop artists had just finished performing and the DJ working alongside the headlining artist took the stage. He started playing music to really get the crowd going. It worked. They were dancing and having a ton of fun. For me, the fun ended shortly after.

The room began to fill with the smell of weed, and just before announcing the headlining artist, the DJ yelled "Hold up, hold up." The music stopped. He continued on, "Where the hoes at?" The room quickly filled with a roar of cheer and applause from women - as if being a ho is something to be proud of. The definition of a ho is literally "prostitute" - Is that how you want to be treated? Is that truly how you see yourself? These men don't even know you - but they literally referred to a room full of women...a room full of their fans, as hoes? From there, they continued to shout things such as "Let's hear from all the ladies who left their boyfriends and home tonight so they can f*** with us." Again, the room filled with cheering, and I was left with an uneasy heart.

If I could scream it to every single woman in that building, I would - but since I can't just jump on stage, I'm going to use this platform instead. Please listen to me when I say to you YOU ARE VALUABLE. There is no one in this world, no matter how famous, who should be allowed to disrespect you by calling you any sort of derogatory term. You scream and jump at the opportunity to engage in those activities the artist raps about - but I am telling you now, if he is going to refer to you as a ho, then that is most definitely how you'll be treated. Just another city they performed in. Just another number. Just another girl he was able to hook up with and never see again. If that's worth it to you, then you are so much more broken than I could have ever imagined.

Aren't we better than that?

Yes. The answer to that question is yes. Instead of a room full of cheering, those men disrespectful boys should have been booed off stage.

Maybe it's a culture thing. But hip-hop culture doesn't have to be this way. We've got artists like Lecrae, Andy Mineo, NF, Izreal Graham - where their content isn't just about what's "hot" or "cool" by society's standards or based on what will bring in a quick paycheck. Where success isn't based off of who can get away with being disrespectful - and their words contain more weight than that of cursing and talking down to an entire group of people:

"But I know these people greater than the songs they created
It's little homies in the hood regurgitating
And everybody watching, thinking that you made it
The truth is for a few designer labels and a little bit of paper
Now you twelve years slaving
Hey, but you ain't Lupita so why you beat up and pushing people
To lean on the devil copping a seizure
It sound like you put your feet up
You still a slave and money can't buy you freedom"
Lecrae // Nuthin

"...they come to my shows with tears in they eyes
Imagine someone looking at you and saying your music's the reason that they are alive."
NF // Therapy Session

"Years later lust changed into sex no more love just goals to forget
gotta couple sins that I need to confess
supposed to be more mature bit it hurts no less
more years, same flesh, lots of fish up in the sea get caught in the same net
There's only one safe sex when your mind, soul, spirit, and the savior connects."
Izreal Graham featured on Justin Smith Williams track // Like I Love You

"I'm back and forth like a tug of war
I've been fighting for my life, like I'm trying to get right and I really want more, and I don't know
Back and forth like a tug of war
And I've been fighting for control, and fighting for my soul this is war"
Andy Mineo // Tug of War

These lyrics mean something. They meet you where you are, they tell a story, they lift you up, they make a difference...they make change - yet we glorify the garbage we are fed each day by every news outlet, TV show, movie...

Music is powerful because it connects with people in such a special way that invokes change.  It's time to speak life into this generation and every generation after, respecting ourselves and each other so we know without a doubt that we are worthy of something real.

Here is where you may not agree with me, and that's okay - but to me, the biggest proof of our value is the cost Christ paid for us on the cross. Even if it were just for you, He would have made that same decision because you are worth it. Even in our imperfection, God sees us as worthy.

John 15:13 "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends."

There is no greater love out there than what the King of all kings did for us on the cross. Now pick up your crown, princess, and wear it with dignity. Expect nothing less than respect and honor from anyone in this world.

Men - be better than what society is telling you that you have to be. It's not okay to disrespect women - or anyone for that matter. We are all valuable and we deserve so much more than what our culture is teaching us.

One more time, in hopes to truly drive this home for you: You are valuable. Expect others to treat you as such.

-jennilea

My Own Doppelgänger

"Eventually, over time, we all become our own doppelgänger, these completely different people who just happen to look like us" - Ted Mosby

I've said this once, and I'm going to go ahead and say it again: I can relate everything in life to How I Met Your Mother, so here we go!

Four years ago, I started this blog to document my Day Zero Project. A coworker helped come up with my incredibly clever blog name based off of my last name. Thus "Dirty Londré" happened. After my divorce, I decided to keep my last name because, let's face it, it's way cooler than Mitchell. Plus all of my legal documents and accounts had that name, so it just makes things simple. I knew I'd have to ditch the last name sometime though, and I was ready for whenever that time would come (although it's coming much sooner than expected).

I finally have come to a place of wanting to remove it from my blog, which means I needed to come up with a new title. In an effort to try to come up with a simple, easy name, I asked friends on Facebook for there input. Points to those who came up with "ArrudAwakening." My friends are so silly.

One comment from my friend Cyrita left the idea of not defining myself by other people through my blog name. She said that my story is one of redemption and fresh starts. She gave Biblical ideas and really made me think of how I define myself, how others see me, and how I am seen by God.

This brought me to start questioning who I am. I'm not talking

some sort of existential crisis or anything, but more of a pondering on who I am today after coming from out of such a traumatic few years. I know more than anything that I don't want who I am to be defined by what I've been through. I will not be a victim. How do I want to define myself though? Suddenly, it hit me: The best definition for myself is exactly how God would see me. I am valuable, worthy, loved, forgiven...

One of my favorite verses is Matthew 10:31. I held on to it as I came out of the mess that was my marriage and it gave me comfort and healing. "So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." God provides for the sparrows, and how much more are we worth to him than birds? Just as He promises to care for His creation, He cares for us as well. And in those times where I questioned who I was and what I was worth, I found my worth in God.

Four years ago Jennilea was a completely different person from who I am now. I was in a different place facing incredible challenges and learning how to cope in my abusive situation. Present day Jennilea a completely different person who is free and healed; I know who I am - and I know my worth.

So, with a new look and a new name, I introduce you to my blog: Ten31, a place where I share about who I am, the things I've been through, the way God has healed my heart, how He continues to move in my life, and every bit of adventure I get to have.

-jennilea

Two years later...

Facebook has been a great reminder that it's been two years since my life both became a total mess and started to come together.  Everything from photos I took the exact date I was last cheated on, to the day I made the decision to leave - the posts say it all.  Reliving these moments can be really painful, but more than anything I realize I am so grateful to not have to physically relive those same moments as I often did in the past.

Two years ago today I posted about my decision to remove myself from an abusive marriage and I still remember how much my heart trembled as I hit the "publish" button, knowing my entire life was about to become public, feeling shame for my marriage ending, and more broken than I ever had been before. I didn't know what kind of reaction I would receive.  I had no answers as to what I would be doing next.  Nothing was certain.

Before I knew it, I had comments and message after message which made me aware that I was not at all alone. People I know, love, work with, went to school with...they had dealt with similar pains.  No one was upset with me for my decision; all I experienced was love, acceptance, understanding, and affirmation in how I was feeling.  Every single message I read was instrumental in helping me heal. Through these messages and conversations, I was pointed back to the incredible God I serve, and I learned that I should feel no shame in the decision I made.  I never asked for what happened, and I certainly did not deserve it.

Two years later, I own my story and stand in confidence as I tell it to others.
Two years later, I am made new.
Two years later, I feel safe.
Two years later, I know my worth - and expect nothing less.
Two years later, I have discovered what it truly means to be loved as Christ loved the church.

Two years later, I am free.

-jennilea <3

You Get No Credit: A Short Rant

I had noticed some photos of my ex and I on a few pages, and asked for them to be deleted.  One of the responses I got: "Good or bad it is a part of your life story. If it wasn't for this part of your life you might not have come to where you are today."

NOPE!  He gets absolutely NO credit for where I am today!

I can say that with absolute confidence, because he never encouraged me to do those things I was so passionate about.  Every single day was full of discouragement, put-downs, doubt, and fear.  He doesn't deserve any sort of pat on the back for my accomplishments. 

I understand that this is part of my story.  I absolutely own that this is part of my story, but that doesn't mean it is something I want or need to be reminded of.  In those photos, I don't see great memories.  I see a girl who is trying her best to put on a happy face, while hiding from the world that she is terrified he might hit her again - or worse.  In our wedding photos, I see someone full of hope who will very quickly come to see that every last vow made to her will be broken.  The only thing he can have credit for is giving me a world of experience that I absolutely should not have had.

Here are the facts: If it were not for my strength to leave an abusive relationship, my resilience, my faith in who God is, my desire to push harder than ever to pursue my dreams; if it were not for my hard work I would not be where I am today!   

It is a complete miracle that I didn't get lost in my situation, which I credit completely to God in that He gave me the courage to push forward, to heal, and to go after the desires of my heart.  

I am sure this comment was not meant to be taken as I have taken it, but please understand that what you said does not help what I've been through; it waters down and sugarcoats the situation.  There is no sugarcoating in abuse.

In related news: Normally I like to give a fun fact here - but in "feeling the room" I am going to give a not so fun national statistic: "Domestic victimization is correlated with a higher rate of depression and suicidal behavior."  I am so incredibly grateful to have not experienced these things.  Restating what I said earlier, it is absolutely by my faith in God that I did not get lost in what happened to me.  

For more statistics, visit the website for National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website here.

-jennilea