100 Days & Counting

I woke up on Friday, and it was an interesting feeling knowing that I had an actual choice to workout.  The 100 Days of Fitness challenge was complete, and through the thing I told myself that I would take day 101 off. When I got there though, I didn't want to take a day off. For the last 100 days I've told myself that there would be no excuses not to workout, so as day 101 approached I found that I've conditioned myself to that mindset.  I still don't have excuses, so I'm still going strong.

What does that mean now?  I am not limiting myself to any number of days, I'm just going to keep going.  As for the videos, I'm not going to be posting daily because it is really kind of a hassle, especially when I'm in the gym on my own.  But when I do cool/different things, I'll definitely be posting, but probably more on Snapchat than any other outlet - so follow me @JennileaL if you don't already!

Now, the moment you've all been waiting for...my results:

I didn't take measurements the day I started, which is a bummer! The only measurements I have are from about 8 weeks ago, so I know I've lost more than what I have documented, but here is what I have from that point:
Weight Loss:  19 lbs
Inches from 8 weeks ago to now:
Hips: -3 inches
Thighs: -2 inches on each side
Arms: -1 inch off of each arm
Chest: - 1 inch
Glutes: - 2 inches
Calves: -.75 inches on each side.

The photo on the lefts side was taken in September of last year. From the time that photo was taken to the beginning of my 100 day challenge, I had gained about 6 lbs - so I was actually in worse shape by then.

Today, I am confident and so incredibly proud of the changes I've made, the new habits I've formed, and the "no excuses" mentality I've adapted to.  My new motto is definitely that "discipline always wins over motivation," which is something my trainer Jamie has instilled in me.  It's completely true too!  There were several days where I didn't have the motivation to go, but the discipline from this challenge was enough to get me off the couch and into the gym!  This challenge has been completely life-changing for me.

Thanks for following my journey!  I'll be sure to keep updating you along the way as I continue to make changes!  If you're looking to see some results, start the challenge.  It may feel impossible, but I promise it can be done...and it's completely worth it. :)

-jennilea

Why I chose to wait AFTER marriage...

I read an article recently that inspired me to write about my own experience with this, so here we go.

I was married before so clearly I've had sex already, so why choose to wait now?  I can't tell you the amount of times I've been asked this by friends, family, and even complete strangers.  I could easily just say "well...that's none of your dang business," but if they are asking and really care to know, then I want to give the most real response possible.

So, let's go down the rabbit hole then...

If you're not up to date on my previous posts, then let's get you up to speed.  I was raped when I was 18 years old by a "friend." I blamed myself, felt shame - It shook me to the core.  He denied it was what it was, and we never talked about it again.

I got engaged, and my choice to wait never really felt respected. It was constantly brought up, I heard phrases like "if you don't then someone else will," among so many other things.  I held strong, but on the inside I felt so very broken and it always seemed to bring me back to that place where I felt the shame I did before.

We got married, he turned abusive, and sex was the furthest thing from my mind.  How could I trust this person with my body if I couldn't trust him with my heart - or even my life?  As you can guess, this was a major hiccup in our marriage.  He always wanted and I tried to deliver - but inside I just felt broken and used.  It didn't feel like everything I had dreamed of.  I didn't feel loved, cherished, valuable, or even respected.

By the time I got out of that relationship, I really just felt like damaged goods.  I didn't feel any worth, and I felt far from pure.

That's where Jesus stepped in.

When I truly began to seek Him first and find healing, I was able to forgive the man who raped me.  I forgave the man who beat me and made me feel used.  I would have a fresh start, knowing that I was worthy to be waited for.  I felt pure again.  This was starting over.

I hear it time and time again: "It's 2017, waiting is old school."

Maybe so, but I know that it's what God asks of us - and after feeling as broken as I did before, I am going to protect and guard that part of my heart until the day I say "I do."

What's even better is that I've found the person who is completely content in the waiting.  At least to my face.  Haha!  But that's all that matters right?  That he is willing to not put the pressure on me. He respects and honors the decision I have made and will help me see that through until October 23rd.

October 23rd?  Nope - that is not a typo!  Right after the wedding, we head to Belize.  Our flight takes off 2 hours after the wedding, so our first time will be in our fancy resort room...60 feet from the ocean, and covered in nothing but love, honor, and respect.  Call it vanilla, but it's actually going to be exactly as I thought it would be when I was 18 years old because it's going to be centered in real love.

I'll be safe. Nothing else will exist but us in that moment...

...and probably for months after.

-jennilea

Three years ago, I found freedom.

Three years ago, I found freedom.  After being in an abusive marriage for six years, I made the decision to leave, and it's been the best decision I've ever made.

What I've noticed though is that every year around this time, I think about what happened.  I hurt over it.  I cry over it.  I feel anxiety over it.  Deep down, I'm still searching for real healing from it.  I decided to get together with a friend to chat about what I was going through - and of course I hit a breakthrough as I always do with her.

As much as I try to tell myself that I forgive him for breaking me, I'm still angry when I think about him and what he did.  Forgiveness is hard - and I hated him.  The minute I hear his name or think about him, I instantly think about the worst times.  I couldn't figure out why I tried so hard to hold on to these memories until I talked with my friend.

I remember one time early on in our marriage when he had hit me. As I fell to the ground, I lost it - I mean really just lost it.  It had been weeks and then out of the blue it happened again.  I cried.  I screamed.  I glanced over to the printer laying on my desk, picked it up, and threw it.  I yelled at the top of my lungs, "WHY!?  GOD, WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING!?  WHY CAN'T YOU JUST STOP!?"  My knees began to buckle and I fell to the ground.

His eyes, they are always what I remember.  He looked at me with confusion and false concern before opening his mouth to say, "I don't know what's wrong with you, but I think we need to get you some help."

My tears stopped instantly and I shot a glare to him, "You don't know what's wrong with me? You just hit me.  You keep hitting me.  It's not getting better - that's what's wrong with me!"

He denied it.  He denied that anything happened in that moment and I was at a loss for words.  He was trying to make me feel like I was crazy - Like everything I had experienced in the months leading up to that moment didn't exist.  They existed. They were real, and I was going to make sure to never forget them.

I started writing it all down - every detail each time.  Then I read what I wrote over and over again until it was burned into my memory as a reminder of how painfully real it all was.  I was determined to not forget a single moment.

Three years out of it, and I'm still so determined to remember each moment, but why?  What good does it do to focus on these moments?  All it does it take me back to the most dark and painful places.

As we sat and drank our tea, my friend reminded me that if I'm going to come to a place of total healing, then I need to forgive him just as Christ forgives us.  It's much easier said than done, and I've told myself that I forgive him before.  That sure didn't stick long.  How can you truly forgive someone for causing so much pain?  The reality is that God forgives us each and every day - even after making the worst mistakes.  We are supposed to emulate that same forgiveness, even when it hurts.  Of course that doesn't excuse what happened; it doesn't make it any less real and it certainly doesn't downplay what was done - but it's still something we are asked to do, so I'm going to do it.

I decided that night to sit down and write him a message.  I told him what he did and how it impacted my life. I told him how it broke me, and how those moments still sit with me and decide to make an appearance whenever they feel like it.  I told him I was still so angry about what he did.  Then...I told him I was letting it all go.  That moment felt like the relief you feel from the exhale following a deep breath in.

I don't want to be angry forever.  In a perfect world, I'd actually like to see him get better - and I know he can.

He made a snarky remark in response to my heartfelt message - and it was as if I was being gifted with yet another reason to hate him but instead, I took another deep breath and said to myself "I forgive you."  In that moment, I could already feel that anger start to fade.

"I forgive you."

I intend to say those words to myself every time I think about what happened.  I'm not going to focus on it or let it define who I am, but it is still part of my story and I'm stronger for it.  God is using it in ways I didn't know would be possible.  He always makes beauty from our broken pieces.

-jennilea


A huge thank you to Katie Pryor for capturing my story in these powerful photos. Check out more of her work here.