Why I chose to wait AFTER marriage...

I read an article recently that inspired me to write about my own experience with this, so here we go.

I was married before so clearly I've had sex already, so why choose to wait now?  I can't tell you the amount of times I've been asked this by friends, family, and even complete strangers.  I could easily just say "well...that's none of your dang business," but if they are asking and really care to know, then I want to give the most real response possible.

So, let's go down the rabbit hole then...

If you're not up to date on my previous posts, then let's get you up to speed.  I was raped when I was 18 years old by a "friend." I blamed myself, felt shame - It shook me to the core.  He denied it was what it was, and we never talked about it again.

I got engaged, and my choice to wait never really felt respected. It was constantly brought up, I heard phrases like "if you don't then someone else will," among so many other things.  I held strong, but on the inside I felt so very broken and it always seemed to bring me back to that place where I felt the shame I did before.

We got married, he turned abusive, and sex was the furthest thing from my mind.  How could I trust this person with my body if I couldn't trust him with my heart - or even my life?  As you can guess, this was a major hiccup in our marriage.  He always wanted and I tried to deliver - but inside I just felt broken and used.  It didn't feel like everything I had dreamed of.  I didn't feel loved, cherished, valuable, or even respected.

By the time I got out of that relationship, I really just felt like damaged goods.  I didn't feel any worth, and I felt far from pure.

That's where Jesus stepped in.

When I truly began to seek Him first and find healing, I was able to forgive the man who raped me.  I forgave the man who beat me and made me feel used.  I would have a fresh start, knowing that I was worthy to be waited for.  I felt pure again.  This was starting over.

I hear it time and time again: "It's 2017, waiting is old school."

Maybe so, but I know that it's what God asks of us - and after feeling as broken as I did before, I am going to protect and guard that part of my heart until the day I say "I do."

What's even better is that I've found the person who is completely content in the waiting.  At least to my face.  Haha!  But that's all that matters right?  That he is willing to not put the pressure on me. He respects and honors the decision I have made and will help me see that through until October 23rd.

October 23rd?  Nope - that is not a typo!  Right after the wedding, we head to Belize.  Our flight takes off 2 hours after the wedding, so our first time will be in our fancy resort room...60 feet from the ocean, and covered in nothing but love, honor, and respect.  Call it vanilla, but it's actually going to be exactly as I thought it would be when I was 18 years old because it's going to be centered in real love.

I'll be safe. Nothing else will exist but us in that moment...

...and probably for months after.

-jennilea

6 Months Until We Get Married

Where has the time gone?  It feels like only yesterday we were announcing that we got engaged - but at the same time it feels like forever (however that works out - lol).

We've sent out our save the dates, finished basically all the major details, and have paid all of our deposits!  The awesome thing is that the wedding is nearly paid off already thanks to my fiancé's fabulous ability to work hard, make the dollars, and save.

As we approach May, it's time to research Wedding Insurance (yeah that's a thing), finalize our event rentals, and my lovely bridesmaids will be ordering their dresses. 

182 days to go until I marry my best friend!!

-jennilea

The Proposal

The moment many of you have asked me about:

A little backstory - I was at work one day when two of my coworkers asked when Brian and I were going to get married, I made the same joke I usually do: "Uhhh...3 years so I can grow out my wedding hair."  Haha.  This conversation turned into something so much deeper.  I leaned a lot about myself in that moment - including that I was sort of sabotaging myself - not allowing myself to fully love and be loved.  I was waiting for something terrible to happen, because terrible is what I've been used to for so long.  The thing is, no one is perfect, I'm sure he will make mistakes somewhere along the line - but over the last year, this has been the most healthy and perfect relationship I've ever experienced.  It's been such a fairytale and I feel so blessed to be walking this life out with my best friend. At the end of this conversation with my coworkers, I felt peace and all of those fears vanished.  I went to prayer - and just continued to find peace in the idea of marriage - so I shared the realization and experience with Brian.

Fast forward 1.5 months:

I was asked by Meloney (Brian's sister) if I can help out with a photo shoot.  I've done it before, so I didn't question anything and was excited to help take photos of a military couple, as the husband was going to be deployed soon.  That was the story I was made to believe. :]

As we drove to Rocklin, I quickly realized the park we were going to for the photo shoot was one that was all too familiar...in fact, it was me and Brian's park.  This park was one where the two of us would talk for hours, stargaze, and where we would both begin the process of healing from some of our most painful hurts.  This park was where everything began.

I turned to Meloney and told her about how special this park was to us.  Her reply was simply, "Good thing you know this park, because I don't!"

We pulled in and parked.  Meloney took her camera out to test lighting and began doing a few test shots.  Then, as we stood and waited for the couple to arrive, she said, "I know we've been talking about weddings a lot lately, and I'm getting ahead of myself, but I made you something.  Don't judge me."  Haha!  She handed me her phone, and started playing a slideshow of some of my favorite photos, set to our song.  I was so excited to relive so many incredible moments in such a special place.  At the very end, the video said. "But wait...there's more."  Another video started of my wonderful boy, pouring his heart out as he said some of the most beautiful things, ending the video saying, "I have a question for you so why don't you turn around."

I turned around to find my handsome boy down on his knee...after this, I have no idea what I said to him.  Haha.  It was a lot of high pitched nonsense I'm sure with a tiny "yes" thrown in between.  Of course, the photo shoot was not of a military couple...it was of this moment...and now we have photos to cherish and remember that moment by forever.

I am blessed.  My ring is perfect.  Life is happy.  We can't wait to take on this world together and see how God uses us as one.  <3

-jennilea