One day, I know I will wake up and feel normal, but until then, I will keep pressing on, living life, feeling, trusting God, and having as much adventure as possible.
A few weeks ago - my entire world crashed down when I found out my husband of 6 years had been less than faithful. Here is my story:
In 2008, I got married way too fast and way too young - but was determined to make everything work. I am extremely stubborn and work ridiculously hard to keep what I want.
Very early on in our marriage, we encountered issues with substance abuse. Growing up, I was never exposed to alcohol - so it took a bit of time before I realized - "Woah - you drink a lot!" The realization didn't actually hit me though until he did. Yep - along with the alcoholism came physical abuse...a lot of it. Being married, I believed that I owed it to him to stick it out and work through it, as long as he was willing to get better. We struggled on and off again with him quitting for a few weeks, then starting up again, quitting, then starting again. I had marks I came up with excuses for, a giant knife pulled on me...There were so many times I didn't know that I would make it through the night.
The patterns of abuse and addiction because so incredibly overwhelming until the final straw was pulled: He got home drunk and with a random stranger around 2am. He had been missing all night, and I was worried sick. When I realized he had been drinking, I made the decision to leave. He tackled me to the ground - and to my surprise, the random stranger guy did absolutely nothing. In fact, he said to me "It's okay, you guys love each other - it will get better." In that moment, I was overwhelmed with anger. It wasn't okay. It wasn't getting better. For the first time, I fought back just enough to get him off of me - run to my car, and book it out.
It was at this point I realized I needed to stop separating who my husband was. I knew he was an awesome guy when he was sober - but when he drank he was my worst nightmare. At the end of the day - this was still the same person doing the damage. If the sober version cared, he would have done all he could to not be the drunk version. Why try to control an addiction if it risks physically hurting your wife each time?
Finally, I gave him a choice: Enter a live in program or we can be done. He chose to enter a one year live in program. After failing at the one year mark, and finding out he had been drinking during pretty much the entire program, I told the program leads because there is no way he would leave with the same problem. His program was extended another 6 months. He failed again, but that his point, we were nervous as to what his outcome would be as far as custody went for his daughter, so I didn't say anything this time in exchange for a promise to seek outside help. That never happened.
We continued to struggle - where there would be months at a time where I thought he would be sober - come to find out otherwise. It all came down to one night I had gone out of town for a fitness conference, came home, and he was nowhere to be found.
After doing some digging, I found out he had gone to a party the night before and had been drinking - after believing he had been sober for about 6 months (which he had not been). Not only that, there was a possibility he had been involved with another girl. This would not be the first time in our marriage that he had done something like this - though I didn't know until later. I asked him over and over if he had been drinking that night - even pointing out that I already knew, but needed to hear it from. He insisted he was fishing the night before...then finally told the truth that he'd been drinking. There are only so many times I can say "if you don't stop drinking, I am leaving." I decided to leave.
He immediately became involved with the girl from the party. No time wasted at all. I confronted her - and just really tore her apart with my words. Pretty sure I scared her off. Go me! During that time, his drinking had also become so heavy that he lost another job.
He ended up moving to Fresno to work at a Christian camp, where I believed his life was really changing. We decided to work on things - but before we did that, I needed him to tell me the complete truth about everything. Sparing no feelings, I needed to know it all. It was at this point that he told me he had kissed another girl shortly after we got married, things happened with the girl at the party (but not sex), and that he had never stopped drinking at all until he got to Fresno. I really urged him to tell all because at this point, I was feeling everything - so nothing more would make it worse.
The next 7 months were pretty good, until he started getting pretty mean, verbally. Then, I felt the urge to seek out the truth about the girl at the party from someone else, because I felt like there was so much more to the story that what he said. It was confirmed to me that he did have sex with her at that party - while he and I were still very much together. Needless to say, I was completely crushed. I gave him an opportunity to tell me the truth - pointing out that I also already knew the truth, but needed to hear it from him. He lied about it for about a week, then finally came forward with the truth.
At this point, I had endured so much pain and hurt in this relationship, I knew I couldn't take on more. Especially given the fact that I had to argue with him for an apology of any kind. It felt done.
Very quickly, he moved on...like within a few days, hooking up with a close family friend, and then pursuing someone else.
For the past 7 years, he has been my life. I've tried all I can do and fought harder for my marriage than I really should have. At some point, it's time to quite fighting. I am not going to lie - this hurts and it sucks. It's the most painful experience I've ever had to endure - especially because after all of this time, being there and fighting - to be cheated on simply because he wanted to "feel chased." I feel like all the fighting I did for our marriage was chasing enough for a lifetime.
All of this brings me to having issues with my worth - but I have come to realize that my worth has to come from God first. We can't find our worth in people, because people suck and are far from perfect. To God, I am worth so much more - I deserve more. Furthermore, him quickly moving on isn't about me or my worth either - it's a rebound to fill the void he now has. It's temporary.
What he did wasn't about me not being good enough; it's about whatever issues he has within himself. Hurting people hurt people, and until he can find healing within himself, he will always hurt people. I take comfort in knowing that it will not be me next time.
For now, my life consists of making it - day to day. Fighting with myself to get up, move, go to school, maintain life - and just get better.
What might I need or expect from you? Prayer...I need prayer constantly for my heart to heal and feel whole. If I need you, be there. Play games with me - I love game night. Take me on an adventure - or to experience anything new. Please feel free to ask me how I am doing. If I don't want to talk about it, respect that. Don't tell me I will be okay. I know I will be okay, but right now, it hurts - and that is pretty normal.
One day, I know I will wake up and feel normal again. I will be happy. All of this will be behind me. Far down the road, I will find someone who will "move mountains and destroy kingdoms" for me. Someone who loves God and loves me - real love.
Thanks for taking the time to read this - and thank you for all of your love and support. It is very much needed.
-jennilea
