There Is No Neutral Exchange...

I used to sleep with my car key and pepper spray in my bra. It might sound silly, but this tactic, along with the help of one incredible police officer, would end up saving my life one night.

This morning I got to chat with the officer whose voice has been in my head for the last 11 years saying that I was worth it and that I deserved more.

Let me take you back about 11 years...

**Trigger Warning** Graphic Domestic Violence Details Below:

Sometimes I would wake up to being beaten. Apparently in my sleeping state I often did things to upset him as well. To help protect myself, I started going to sleep with pepper spray and my car key in my bra. I never used the pepper spray. For some reason I could never convince myself to use it on him when it would have been very reasonable to do so. Maybe I had a fear it wouldn't actually work or that he would just end up using it on me. Still, it gave me comfort to just have it on me. 

My car key is a completely different story.  It was often my key to safety. When he would get angry, the two things he would take from me were my phone and my keys. I didn't want to be in a place where I couldn't get help if I needed it, so at the end of the night I would grab my keys, carefully and quietly slide off my car key, put it in my bra, and then replace the set where my keys would usually go.

This night was very similar to how nights had gone in the past. We would have a great day, he would come home and things would be fine, until suddenly and out of nowhere they became a nightmare. I was laying down asleep, and he woke me up. I don't remember what he was mad about, if I'm being honest. I just know he was angry. Absolutely enraged. He took my phone away from me. I tried to hide in a closet between the wall and a dresser. He found me and dragged me out to the living room where he proceeded to hold me down on the ground. He held my wrists. It was painful and again I thought that this might be my last night alive. My arms burned as if each touch was seering deep into my wrists and forearm. My stomach ached. My arms were throbbing. He finally was done with me for that moment. But I knew he wasn't done for the night. 

As soon as a free moment came, I jumped up and ran as fast as I could for my car. He was close. I could hear him running after me. I jumped into my car, locked the doors, and began to drive away. He was so close that he was able to actually kick my vehicle as I drove a way, leaving a dent which would remind me of this day for months. I drove and drove. I didn't have a phone and didn't know who I could reach out to. I just wanted to be safe, so I decided to find a police officer. We lived in Sacramento, but West Sacramento was nearby, and I knew I would find an officer there. Withing a few minutes of taking the Jefferson Blvd exit off of 50. The officer has pulled someone over. While I waited at the red light, I called out to her and said I needed help. She wrapped up her interaction with the other person, and came to me. I told her what had happened.  She said that while she was unable to help, she would tell an officer who can help to meet me.  We decided the other officer would meet me at a place of my choosing. I ended up choosing the parking lot at my job.

I waited and waited, constantly looking over my shoulder in fear he might pop up. It had been almost an hour before I finally decided to leave.  I went to a shell gas station to use their phone so I could call 911. The clerk refused to let me use the phone. I let him know it was an emergency, but still I would be told I had to use the payphone outside. No exceptions.  Even in my emergency.

I looked around, shivering in my pajamas, and walked to the payphone. My eyes constantly scanned the area for him. A dispatcher finally picked up and I shared what had happened to me that night.  An officer would meet me at Shell a short time after that.

When I saw his police vehicle drive up, I let out a sigh of relief. I knew I would be okay tonight, but I had no idea what was going to come out of this interaction. This was the first time I had called an officer out for help.

Officer Jason Meier got out of his vehicle and approached me. He asked what had happened and I broke down in tears. After telling my story, he mentioned that he would be going to arrest him. I begged him not to. He looked at me, and in the most gentle, matter of fact way he said, "You called for help. This is how I can help you. If this isn't what you want to be done, what is it that you'd like me to do." I just sighed and though tears I said, "I just want to be safe."

He asked if I had any bruises or marks on me. I did. I showed him my arms, each with their own hand print from my wrist to my forearm. It was bad. For the first time I saw just how bad. He looked at me with kindness in my eyes and said, "I have to arrest him. This is how I can help you be safe." He spoke in to my worth and said I needed to consider leaving. He was right. I knew he was right, but I wasn't ready. He gave me some resources before leaving to arrest my husband, my abuser. 

He was gone, and I was alone with my thoughts; the thoughts that no one would be able to rescue me out of this situation, I would need to pull myself out of it.

5 years later, when I would finally leave, I thought back to this moment and this day. I thought back to my interaction with Officer Jason Meier and I knew I had to rescue myself from this.

****

In 2017, our amazing friend Sean Poore helped me by tracking down the name, badge number, and where he worked. My plan was to thank this officer. I held on to this information, and when our friend Sean died, I didn't want to use this gift he gave me because it was like opening the last thing he had given me and I just wasn't ready to say goodbye to it. Two weeks ago, it felt like it was time. 

I reached out to another officer and friend who was able to get me in touch with officer Meier. Today I got to talk to him and, through tear, tell him how much of an impact this encounter had on me. He was blown away. He had said that in his 15 years serving, he had never had someone reach out to him like this. He said that you never know if the things you say impact those who you encounter. He often gets discouraged as he sees the cycle of abuse continue and so badly wants to see it end, so knowing that he had a part to play in my freedom meant the world. 

Officer Meier is now working in the Mental Health Unit with Sac PD, and I can't help but think he is absolutely in the right place.

I've dreamt of this day for a long time.  I've thought about the things to do and the words to say. Today was perfect.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Brennan Manning, "In every encounter we either give life or we drain it.There is no neutral exchange."

I can't help but think back to this moment where Officer Jason Meier chose to speak life, and in turn helped drastically change my life.

In every encounter, you have the ability to change a life. Don't take that for granted.

<3 -jennilea

"When we own the story, we can write a brave new ending."

I was raped. 

There. I said it. But it doesn't feel good to say - not that it should "feel good" to say. It certainly isn't easy to say either. I say it quietly and with hesitation - almost as if I should be ashamed that it happened, but why? Why do I feel ashamed of something I had no control over; why am I ashamed that my "no" wasn't good enough? 

What if I had fought harder?

What if I had screamed? 

What if I haven't allowed myself to be isolated with this person?

What about my conversation could have been changed so he wouldn't see me as his next victim?

Victim. I hate that word and refused to be labeled as such. In this moment - I take back my life. In this moment I am overcoming my best kept secret from a night of regrets and "what ifs" because the thing is that this person made a decision to take my choice from me. This person took away my right to  "no!" 

As the night replays like a nightmare in my dreams I am haunted by that simple question of why...

18 years old and attending a friend's birthday party - I had decided to sleep over. It seemed safe - everyone was sleeping over. What I didn't expect was to be woken up by someone I had known so well, drunk, and forceful. 

No! 

No! 

Stop!  No! 

At this point I am crying. I'm fighting. He was stronger. 

Just like that - Something I had decided to save until marriage was stolen. I was broken. What's worse - he denied it happened. 

For whatever reason, I told myself it didn't happen too - until I couldn't escape the hurt and brokenness. It happened. And it sucked. I blamed myself and decided to keep it a secret. Eventually telling my closest friends as years passed by. I thought I had dealt with the issue - but I hadn't. Randomly the moment would replay in my mind and suddenly I would experience the event all over again. 

I was broken. 

Finally, I went to a women's retreat. After hearing from the speaker - I was wrecked. She had been through similar things and her story was powerful. I decided to speak to her about what I had gone through. She said these words:

"You were raped. What happened to you was real. It happened. Your choice was taken in that moment - but you know what wasn't? Your purity." 

Like weight lifted off my shoulders. That wasn't considered my "first time" because it wasn't my choice. 

I felt better that day - but guilt and shame still found a way to creep into my life again. No sooner than I came to terms with being raped, I had also come to terms with my abusive marriage. Only one heartache at a time. So I pushed that event back again - like there is some sort of quota on the amount of grief one person can experience. I decided I would feel better if I just never thought about it. Again, living like it had never happened. 

That brings me to a few months ago. I went out with my friends and a guy felt like he had the right to touch my body - and I was filled with rage. I most definitely followed him, yelling along the way that he can't just touch whomever he wants - and using a few other choice words as he scurried away. This time I didn't keep quiet. Encouraged by friends, I told security. It was my mission to handle it - I  would not keep quiet. 

As I continued to process through that moment - I realized the anger I had felt was because he felt like he had rights to my body - just like that "friend" felt he had several years prior. I faced it - and I was angry; a stage of grief I had previously never allowed myself to feel.

Thoughts of the recent event, coupled with being raped a few years prior had consumed my thoughts. I wanted to scream - or do anything other than be completely silent. 

So that's what brings me here...where I am calm, rational, and can make those thoughts and feelings into some sort of sense.

I am here, writing this,  because if every experience I've gone through were to stay hidden, then they would have been for nothing. But if one person can read these words, realize this wasn't their fault, tell someone, and seek help - then this was worth it. People learn from the experiences of others. They grow. They get better. 

I also realized that I had refused to take this pain to God because I could barely even admit it happened to myself. I prayed. I prayed for healing, strength, comfort, peace - and that God would use my voice and the story I have. I prayed that this would just be another story I have overcome, and that through it all I would continue to have that joy and passion for life He has placed so deeply in my heart. 

I smiled. I felt better. 

I'm not a victim anymore; I'm free. I'm transparent - and finally talking about this feels so incredibly good. As I sit here, crying, and ready to post this huge part of my life for the world to see...I feel strong. 

We heal when we become transparent. We find community and new ways to deal with the devastating reality of the tragedy we have suffered. 

We get better. I feel better. Thank you, Jesus. <3

-jennilea. 

Transparency: This will explain a lot

One day, I know I will wake up and feel normal, but until then, I will keep pressing on, living life, feeling, trusting God, and having as much adventure as possible.

A few weeks ago - my entire world crashed down when I found out my husband of 6 years had been less than faithful.  Here is my story:

In 2008, I got married way too fast and way too young - but was determined to make everything work. I am extremely stubborn and work ridiculously hard to keep what I want.

Very early on in our marriage, we encountered issues with substance abuse.  Growing up, I was never exposed to alcohol - so it took a bit of time before I realized - "Woah - you drink a lot!"  The realization didn't actually hit me though until he did.  Yep - along with the alcoholism came physical abuse...a lot of it. Being married, I believed that I owed it to him to stick it out and work through it, as long as he was willing to get better.  We struggled on and off again with him quitting for a few weeks, then starting up again, quitting, then starting again. I had marks I came up with excuses for, a giant knife pulled on me...There were so many times I didn't know that I would make it through the night.

The patterns of abuse and addiction because so incredibly overwhelming until the final straw was pulled:  He got home drunk and with a random stranger around 2am.  He had been missing all night, and I was worried sick.  When I realized he had been drinking, I made the decision to leave.  He tackled me to the ground - and to my surprise, the random stranger guy did absolutely nothing.  In fact, he said to me "It's okay, you guys love each other - it will get better."  In that moment, I was overwhelmed with anger.  It wasn't okay.  It wasn't getting better.  For the first time, I fought back just enough to get him off of me - run to my car, and book it out.

It was at this point I realized I needed to stop separating who my husband was.  I knew he was an awesome guy when he was sober - but when he drank he was my worst nightmare.  At the end of the day - this was still the same person doing the damage.  If the sober version cared, he would have done all he could to not be the drunk version.  Why try to control an addiction if it risks physically hurting your wife each time?

Finally, I gave him a choice:  Enter a live in program or we can be done.  He chose to enter a one year live in program.  After failing at the one year mark, and finding out he had been drinking during pretty much the entire program, I told the program leads because there is no way he would leave with the same problem.  His program was extended another 6 months.  He failed again, but that his point, we were nervous as to what his outcome would be as far as custody went for his daughter, so I didn't say anything this time in exchange for a promise to seek outside help.  That never happened.

We continued to struggle - where there would be months at a time where I thought he would be sober - come to find out otherwise.  It all came down to one night I had gone out of town for a fitness conference, came home, and he was nowhere to be found.

After doing some digging, I found out he had gone to a party the night before and had been drinking - after believing he had been sober for about 6 months (which he had not been).  Not only that, there was a possibility he had been involved with another girl.  This would not be the first time in our marriage that he had done something like this - though I didn't know until later.  I asked him over and over if he had been drinking that night - even pointing out that I already knew, but needed to hear it from.  He insisted he was fishing the night before...then finally told the truth that he'd been drinking.  There are only so many times I can say "if you don't stop drinking, I am leaving."  I decided to leave.

He immediately became involved with the girl from the party.  No time wasted at all.  I confronted her - and just really tore her apart with my words.  Pretty sure I scared her off.  Go me!  During that time, his drinking had also become so heavy that he lost another job.

He ended up moving to Fresno to work at a Christian camp, where I believed his life was really changing.  We decided to work on things - but before we did that, I needed him to tell me the complete truth about everything.  Sparing no feelings, I needed to know it all.  It was at this point that he told me he had kissed another girl shortly after we got married, things happened with the girl at the party (but not sex), and that he had never stopped drinking at all until he got to Fresno.  I really urged him to tell all because at this point, I was feeling everything - so nothing more would make it worse.

The next 7 months were pretty good, until he started getting pretty mean, verbally.  Then, I felt the urge to seek out the truth about the girl at the party from someone else, because I felt like there was so much more to the story that what he said.  It was confirmed to me that he did have sex with her at that party - while he and I were still very much together.  Needless to say, I was completely crushed.  I gave him an opportunity to tell me the truth - pointing out that I also already knew the truth, but needed to hear it from him.  He lied about it for about a week, then finally came forward with the truth.

At this point, I had endured so much pain and hurt in this relationship, I knew I couldn't take on more.  Especially given the fact that I had to argue with him for an apology of any kind.  It felt done.

Very quickly, he moved on...like within a few days, hooking up with a close family friend, and then pursuing someone else.

For the past 7 years, he has been my life.  I've tried all I can do and fought harder for my marriage than I really should have.  At some point, it's time to quite fighting.  I am not going to lie - this hurts and it sucks.  It's the most painful experience I've ever had to endure - especially because after all of this time, being there and fighting - to be cheated on simply because he wanted to "feel chased."  I feel like all the fighting I did for our marriage was chasing enough for a lifetime.

All of this brings me to having issues with my worth - but I have come to realize that my worth has to come from God first.  We can't find our worth in people, because people suck and are far from perfect.  To God, I am worth so much more - I deserve more.  Furthermore, him quickly moving on isn't about me or my worth either - it's a rebound to fill the void he now has.  It's temporary.  

What he did wasn't about me not being good enough; it's about whatever issues he has within himself.  Hurting people hurt people, and until he can find healing within himself, he will always hurt people.  I take comfort in knowing that it will not be me next time.

For now, my life consists of making it - day to day.  Fighting with myself to get up, move, go to school, maintain life - and just get better.

What might I need or expect from you?  Prayer...I need prayer constantly for my heart to heal and feel whole.  If I need you, be there.  Play games with me - I love game night.  Take me on an adventure - or to experience anything new.  Please feel free to ask me how I am doing.  If I don't want to talk about it, respect that.  Don't tell me I will be okay.  I know I will be okay, but right now, it hurts - and that is pretty normal.

One day, I know I will wake up and feel normal again.  I will be happy.  All of this will be behind me.  Far down the road, I will find someone who will "move mountains and destroy kingdoms" for me.   Someone who loves God and loves me - real love.

Thanks for taking the time to read this - and thank you for all of your love and support.  It is very much needed.

-jennilea