Grateful

For the first time in my life, I've struggled to find things to be grateful for while facing some very dark times. 

I've struggled in processing through pain, and have not trusted God with the hurts I was facing. I got stuck in bitterness, anger, sadness, anxiety...I was depressed. It was the most terrifying place to be in because I didn't know if or when it would end. 

Something happened to someone very special to me. The worst possible thing I could have ever imagined. When I experience tough things, my outlet is to write about it, but this isn't my story to tell. So how do I process through the most heartbreaking news when I can't even talk about it? How can things ever be made right after tragedy? And why the heck are all the bad things deciding to happen all at the same time?

The weight of it all is so heavy. It hurts and I feel like I'm breathing underwater, fighting for even just a small gasp of air.

I'm not the only one trying to process through things though. People all over the world are going through things. It's apparent on the news, in the lives of my friends, on my social media feeds - things just feel so broken. Are they always going to feel so broken?

Everything is just...sad. How can you be grateful when everything around you is just a mess?

In church last Sunday, one of our Pastors was talking about change and growth; in order to grow, you have to change. "Not all change causes growth, but all growth requires change." Things have certainly changed, but it's how we react to that change that either holds us back or produces growth. Our Pastor also mentioned that if we didn't like how life felt in that moment, then we need to ask God what areas He wants us to grow in. This isn't necessarily easy, and the process could most certainly hurt. This resonated with me in such a huge way. 

I think I knew my prayer life was lacking, and God used one person...one Sunday service to point out that I need to have a chat with Jesus. 

Over the past week, I've been in constant prayer both on my own and with others. I've focused on disconnecting from social media and things that don't have much positive impact on my life. I've stopped comparing myself and the relationships I have with others. For one week, I've focused on Jesus and the incredibly beautiful things He has blessed me with. 

I am grateful. 

I am grateful for morning, but more grateful to go to sleep. I am gateful for late night talks and spontaneous hangouts. I am grateful for people who speak life into my life and into the lives of others. I am grateful for prayer, growth, and healthy communication with Brian. I am grateful for the church and work family that I have, who has held me up in prayer constantly.  I am grateful that "this too shall pass" and for each and every promise God has given us. I am grateful for strength in my body that decides to show up through running, aerial yoga, weight training, boxing, etc. I am grateful for the people who inspire me, and that I'm able to return the favor as well. I am grateful for the outpouring of love and support I see people giving each other....

I am just, grateful. 

It's been over a month since I last felt like myself, and I am finally feeling better! I'm grateful that pain is just a season  and I choose to praise God though all parts of life.

As we continue forward through this storm, I pray for more bright spots - and I would love if you'd pray with me too.

-jennilea