Four Years: Life After Abuse

After enduring 6 years of physical and emotional abuse from my husband, I left.  It wasn't easy.  I had doubts, I was disappointed, and I felt like a complete and total failure to myself, to my friends and family, and God.  Of course, none of that was true.

The story today is that here I stand, four years later, delivering a message of hope.  Life gets so much better on the other side of the struggle. 

If you're not familiar with my story, you can read up on a few recaps here:

Transparency: This will explain a lot.

Your Voice Will Save You

Two Years Later...

Three Years Ago, I Found Freedom

The quick version is that after my (now ex) husband had cheated on me again, I realized that after 6 years of enduring abuse, infidelity, and more hurt that I ever thought possible, I took steps to get out.  Here is how:

1.  Establish your support system.  I told two people I could trust, who would keep me from going back.  Christina and Nikki were incredibly instrumental in that they have some of the strongest personalities and are firm when in decision making, which is exactly what I needed.  If you're in this situation, find people like them.  They will hold you the standard of value you truly do have...which is a whole lot more value than your abuser told you that you have. 

2.  Get out.  When I made the decision to leave, I had absolutely “earned my way out,” as Nikki had put it. The hardest part about leaving is not knowing what the future holds. What if he does get better? Well...what if he doesn’t? After enduring all of the abuse and infidelity, I had always continued to support and love him, praying for a change. That change never came and if it was going to, I knew I wouldn’t be a part of that. One of my pastors said that you know change has truly happened when they decide to make a change, knowing they have still lost you. So, knowing that I had absolutely done all I could to save my marriage, I had to let him go. In a safe place, I told him I was done.  I brought Brian with me (who was just an incredible friend at this time) to pack up and grab my stuff while he was gone.  We brought it all to my moms.

3.  Cut contact.  This was something that took me quite a bit longer to do, and I wish I had done it sooner.  The longer you stay in contact, the longer they will be able to control your mind, emotions, and heart.  It wasn't until I finally cut all contact that I was able to truly let go and accept that it was over.  Block them from social media, your phone, and tell people to stop updating you on their life.  You don't need to know how they are doing. 

4.  Use your voice.  I opened up to everyone about that happened when I released my blog "Transparency: This will explain a lot."  In this blog, I explained what was going on, how I'm doing, and how everyone could help make this situation a little better for me.  It's important to set expectations and let those in your life  know how to best help you process through this major change in your life. I asked my friends for a few things:

What might I need or expect from you?  Prayer...I need prayer constantly for my heart to heal and feel whole.  If I need you, be there.  Play games with me - I love game night.  Take me on an adventure - or to experience anything new.  Please feel free to ask me how I am doing.  If I don't want to talk about it, respect that.  Don't tell me I will be okay.  I know I will be okay, but right now, it hurts - and that is pretty normal."

Another awesome part about opening up is that your voice has impact.  When I released my blog, two friends reached out and made decisions to leave their abusive relationships as well.  1 in 3 women, and 1 in 4 men have been a victim of some sort of violence by a partner at some point in their lifetime (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence). Think about that number measured up to the amount of friends you have on social media  alone.  I promise, even if you feel alone, you will find that you are not. 
You'll also find that you have a greater amount of support than you ever thought possible.

5.  Get counseling. Talk to a Pastor, a mentor, or one of the many resources for survivors of domestic violence.  One of my personal favorites is WEAVE.  These resources will help you process, understand what you're going through, and will help you to stop making excuses for what your abuser did.  They don't get excuses.  Don't ever doubt that you deserve more than what happened to you.

6.  Live Life.  Be single. Enjoy new freedoms found in your safety. Know that there are amazing people out there and hold your standards high!  Cling on to the lifeline of Jesus Christ, and know that you are enough. 

Over the past 4 years, I found that each March-May, I start thinking about those terrifying moments.  Anxiety skyrockets and fear sets in.  I experience flashbacks and night terrors, and I cry a lot.  Last year I made a decision to let it all go.  This year is different.  It actually kind of snuck up on me, and the only reason I remembered is because of the Facebook "Remember When" feature.

Being a survivor of domestic violence isn't the only thing that defines who I am.  I'm a wife, a puppy mommy, a bonus mom, a daughter, a sister, niece, an aunt, a cousin, a friend, a promotions manager.  I am forgiven, made new, and loved by an incredible God. I am valuable.  I am strong.  I am grateful.  I am so much more.

Thanks for coming along this journey with me.  It only gets better.

-jennilea

2017: A Recap

This year was rough - I mean real rough.  Not that terrible things happened constantly, but enough absolutely horrible things happened within such a short period of time, that I was left completely worn.  The crazy thing is that it seems as if everyone I know dealt with some sort of tragedy that made 2017 really suck.

When I sat down to think about all the things that happened this year, I was honestly completely dreading it, until I started to write it all down. There have been so many incredible moments in 2017, that I can honestly say it's actually been pretty wonderful.

January: I did the Christmas Bird Count. We received engagement photos. I ran my first half marathon, went to Disneyland, threw a surprise 30th birthday party for Brian, and my bridesmaids got their dresses.

February: Baby Corey was born, I started aerial yoga, and began my 100 Days of Fitness Challenge.

March: I tried the "Gray Stuff" at Disneyland, watched Melissa get married, and went to the bridal preview at our wedding venue

April: I took Cobie and Brian to visit friends at Hartland Christian Camp, fed the homeless with New Hope Street Ministry, surprised Brian's mom with a spontaneous trip to Disneyland, helped clean up the Auburn State Recreational Area for Earth Day, bawled my eyes out at Zach and Emily's wedding, and had a bridesmaids night with my ladies.

May: I had photos taken in honor of 3 years of freedom from domestic violence, tried Disney Bounding for the first time, ran a Disney 10k, Brian got baptized, and Jadelynn graduated from 6th grade.

June: We found tuxes for Brian and our Groomsmen, figured out our table numbers, and enjoyed a night out with my bridesmaids.

July: I took a trip to Denver to work an event with for KING & COUNTRY, enjoyed the lake with family, baseball games, and FINALLY was able to complete the Vitruvian Man at Aerial Yoga. We celebrated the 4th of July and my friendiversary with Bri. Brian made our guest book. I traveled to Washington for a 3-Day Festival, our wedding invitations came in, and Meloney surprised me with a day out as I faced one of the most difficult months of my life.  Brian and I also escaped to Lake Tahoe to try to get out of the sadness we had faced through this month.

August: I had a night out with my girls at Aerial Yoga, 10 Year High School Reunion, Brian moved to our new home. I went to SoCal for Harvest Crusade, saw a Padres game, the eclipse, escaped a room with my sister, and went kayaking in the ocean. I also got my tattoo touched up and saw One Republic with Jessica.

September: After months of planning, we served 130 moms at our Single Moms Event.  Celebrated my Bridal shower, Jadelynn's 12th birthday, and hung out with Sarah and her bridal party to celebrate her.  We got the best dang couches in the world, and Lara and Kalie threw me a surprise Bridal Shower at work.

October: Jessica and I danced with The Fitness Marshall.  I did my hair and makeup run through for the wedding, collected thousands of pieces of soap for WEAVE.  We got the PERFECT wedding cake topper from Meloney, my wedding jewelry, my dad made a miraculous recovery after dying twice from a heart attack. We celebrated my bachelorette party, wedding rehearsal, Treat Yoself Spa Day with my bridesmaids, Welcome to the Family drinks, and FINALLY had our Wedding Day.  Immediately after, we headed to Belize, where our honeymoon was literally everything we hoped it would be. October did have some bumps, but overall it was a month of healing and new beginnings.

November: Meloney and I enjoyed Brett Eldredge and Luke Bryan. I helped build 1500 bikes for kids, ran another half marathon, celebrated Stacie and her Bachelorette Party in Reno - where I dominated against Bri (who wins everything) at Sumo Wrestling. The Eagles beat the Cowboys, I spent time with Meloney, Chris, and their little ones at Apple Hill and brought in my birthday with a game night, gifts, and cake with my husband and the best brother and sister in-love in the world!  My husband took me to The Melting Pot for my birthday dinner, and we celebrated Thanksgiving 3 times (my new family, first family, and with my Jadelynn family).


December: This month has been busy!  We kicked the month off by watching Jacob and Stacie get married, rang the bell for the Salvation Army, had winter summit with the Events Team, won the ugly sweater contest with the #GoldenGirls at the office. We celebrated our volunteers at a Volunteer Christmas party, went to Disneyland, watched the Eagles beat the Rams LIVE (thanks, Brian), explored Christmas lights with David and Christina, got a fire pit and market lights for our backyard, cut a million inches off of my hair, got our wedding video, saw the Impractical Jokers live, and spent 2 weeks puppy-sitting Eugene. Lara and I presented the first ever K-LOVE Share the Love Award to Destiny Church and Community Center. For the first time in our home, Brian and I hosted the 5th Annual Christmas party with some of our best friends.  I helped the Salvation Army in giving 2500 families a Christmas, brought Christmas to over 30 boys at the Sacramento Children's Home, and baked cookies with Nikki, and Corey. Brian and I went to another ugly sweater party, spent Christmas with my new family, my first family, and with my dad - which led to a spontaneous Oregon trip to pet baby tigers and other cool animals. We threw a surprise party for Jackie, beat ANOTHER escape room (17 down - #undefeated), and tonight I'll bring in the New Year with Melony, Chris, my nieces, Jadelynn and her sister, and my wonderful husband.

This year has been a year with lots of tears, an insane amount of restless nights, stress, broken relationships, and a lots and lots of really hard moments. However, a spark of hope was found through prayer and complete surrender of all of those tough things to God.  He came through with answered prayers, restored friendships, much-needed closure, and by giving me some of the most incredible blessings I get to call family.

This year I'm grateful for long drives, runs, talks, and experiences with Bri.  I'm grateful for my sister Tara, who has shown me that no matter what I am loved and that it's okay to take time for myself. I am grateful for Meloney and Chris, who have prayed for me, talked me down from really broken moments, whisked me away on adventures, and always seem to know the right thing to say. Adventure after adventure with Jessica and double date nights with Christina and David.  I am thankful my dad is still here and that we have the opportunity to create a real father-daughter relationship. I'm blessed to have the most incredible mom and to be getting even closer with my sister Jacki and with Jadelynn's mom, Tabitha.

Most of all, I am so so blessed to have the most incredible husband in the world. Brian is my biggest fan and cheerleader.  You have been more patient with me than I could have ever asked for.  You've cried with me, held me in silence when I needed it, and cheered me on and prayed with and for me when I felt like I couldn't take on any more. You are without a doubt, the greatest thing to have ever happened to me.  I love you more than words could ever express.

2018 is nearly here, and I'm moving into the new year with high expectations for a lot of new, wonderful memories to be made.

-jennilea

Grateful

For the first time in my life, I've struggled to find things to be grateful for while facing some very dark times. 

I've struggled in processing through pain, and have not trusted God with the hurts I was facing. I got stuck in bitterness, anger, sadness, anxiety...I was depressed. It was the most terrifying place to be in because I didn't know if or when it would end. 

Something happened to someone very special to me. The worst possible thing I could have ever imagined. When I experience tough things, my outlet is to write about it, but this isn't my story to tell. So how do I process through the most heartbreaking news when I can't even talk about it? How can things ever be made right after tragedy? And why the heck are all the bad things deciding to happen all at the same time?

The weight of it all is so heavy. It hurts and I feel like I'm breathing underwater, fighting for even just a small gasp of air.

I'm not the only one trying to process through things though. People all over the world are going through things. It's apparent on the news, in the lives of my friends, on my social media feeds - things just feel so broken. Are they always going to feel so broken?

Everything is just...sad. How can you be grateful when everything around you is just a mess?

In church last Sunday, one of our Pastors was talking about change and growth; in order to grow, you have to change. "Not all change causes growth, but all growth requires change." Things have certainly changed, but it's how we react to that change that either holds us back or produces growth. Our Pastor also mentioned that if we didn't like how life felt in that moment, then we need to ask God what areas He wants us to grow in. This isn't necessarily easy, and the process could most certainly hurt. This resonated with me in such a huge way. 

I think I knew my prayer life was lacking, and God used one person...one Sunday service to point out that I need to have a chat with Jesus. 

Over the past week, I've been in constant prayer both on my own and with others. I've focused on disconnecting from social media and things that don't have much positive impact on my life. I've stopped comparing myself and the relationships I have with others. For one week, I've focused on Jesus and the incredibly beautiful things He has blessed me with. 

I am grateful. 

I am grateful for morning, but more grateful to go to sleep. I am gateful for late night talks and spontaneous hangouts. I am grateful for people who speak life into my life and into the lives of others. I am grateful for prayer, growth, and healthy communication with Brian. I am grateful for the church and work family that I have, who has held me up in prayer constantly.  I am grateful that "this too shall pass" and for each and every promise God has given us. I am grateful for strength in my body that decides to show up through running, aerial yoga, weight training, boxing, etc. I am grateful for the people who inspire me, and that I'm able to return the favor as well. I am grateful for the outpouring of love and support I see people giving each other....

I am just, grateful. 

It's been over a month since I last felt like myself, and I am finally feeling better! I'm grateful that pain is just a season  and I choose to praise God though all parts of life.

As we continue forward through this storm, I pray for more bright spots - and I would love if you'd pray with me too.

-jennilea

The Breaking Point

Today, I'm going to start with Lifetime Movie Monday!
Title: 12 Hours to Live

My guess: A woman is told (by a psychic) that she is going to die in 12 hours, so she decides to do all the things she has ever wanted to do. She gets crazy, has fun, finds love, and then dies...all in 12 hours...

Actual plot: "Eighteen-year-old Amy is having a bad day. Not only has she been kidnapped by a deranged gunman, but as a diabetic without her insulin, her chances of survival are diminishing with each tick of the clock. FBI agent Megan Saunders isn't walking on sunshine either, since this madman killed her partner when Megan hesitated to pull the trigger. Now Megan won't stop till she nails this guy, but can she save Amy before her time is up?"

Once again, Lifetime has created a ridiculous plot. Ha!

I finished reading "The Lucky One," last week. It was nice to envision Zac Efron as the main character throughout the book. Ha! It was difficult to get into the book, at first, but as I started reading and getting to know the back story of each character, it got much better.  My favorite parts were the flashbacks that Thibault frequently had. I also liked how the author, Nicholas Sparks, wrote the each chapter from the perspective of a specific character. It allows the reader to see the feeling behind the actions.  The book was okay, but not the greatest thing I've read.

This coming weekend, I will go to the library for my next book!

Now, let's get to some Dungeon talk! As many of you know, I've been working out in The Dungeon with Jamie and Josh. Each workout seems to test me like crazy. Last weekend, I hit the breaking point. I was challenged with staying in the squat position while doing 50 reps with arm weights.  The difficult part, if I stood up or sat down at all, I'd have to start all over.  I've done this workout with 30 reps before, and I felt like I hardly made it through those. I definitely failed before hitting 30, so 50 was unimaginable. After failing several times, I got to 43. My Dungeon family was cheering me on, saying I can do it, and offering encouraging words, yet at 43, my legs just dropped. I finally cried. This was the worst feeling of failure. I was so close to the end and tried so hard to push to 50 but I just couldn't.

As I sat on the ground, crying, Josh said "that is the breaking point, and it's a beautiful place to be." At the time, I couldn't understand why it was a beautiful place to be, but shortly after, those words began to have meaning. When I first began, I began feeling tired after the first ten reps and at one point, I was tired after five. In that moment, I had an option to stop and start over while I was still in the beginning of the set, but I pushed on.  I tried, I pushed myself further than I felt I was capable of, I was tired, but determined to make it. When I couldn't make it, I realized I had pushed passed what I thought was my limit and I am much stronger than I had ever believed. With a little more pushing, I will get to that 50.

Jamie walked over to me and said it was okay to cry and to let it out. So, I did, I just cried. She had me do some sprinting and try to control my breathing, then I had to come back, and start all over again. This time, I only made it to 38 before I fell again. I cried so hard. Jamie told me to get up and rep out the last 12, so I did. When I finished, Jamie tooled right in my eyes and said, "I am proud of you. That was tough, but you still went for it. I am proud of you." Those words were golden.

Since then, I've encountered this same challenge. 30 doesn't feel so bad, but 50 is still a challenge - but I have gotten there (tear free).

I love everything I've taken in from this experience. Also, a result update: I've lost 24.5 inches in 5 weeks. :]]

Upcoming, I've decided to add 365 days of Thank You to my list. The goal is to write one letter every day, saying thank you for anything as simple as delivering mail, to more complex and life changing thank yous. This challenge is to encourage growth, development, and to just help me become more grateful for what I have.

Finally, instead of a fun fact, I am leaving you with a verse. I am going through something right now, for which I would love some prayer. This verse just spoke to be and really encourages me when I am in this place of defeat. With God, I am more than a conqueror:

"...in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." (Romans 8:37 NIV)

In the difficult times, I pray we can all find our hope and safety in God. 

-jennilea