What I've noticed though is that every year around this time, I think about what happened. I hurt over it. I cry over it. I feel anxiety over it. Deep down, I'm still searching for real healing from it. I decided to get together with a friend to chat about what I was going through - and of course I hit a breakthrough as I always do with her.
As much as I try to tell myself that I forgive him for breaking me, I'm still angry when I think about him and what he did. Forgiveness is hard - and I hated him. The minute I hear his name or think about him, I instantly think about the worst times. I couldn't figure out why I tried so hard to hold on to these memories until I talked with my friend.
I remember one time early on in our marriage when he had hit me. As I fell to the ground, I lost it - I mean really just lost it. It had been weeks and then out of the blue it happened again. I cried. I screamed. I glanced over to the printer laying on my desk, picked it up, and threw it. I yelled at the top of my lungs, "WHY!? GOD, WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING!? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST STOP!?" My knees began to buckle and I fell to the ground.
His eyes, they are always what I remember. He looked at me with confusion and false concern before opening his mouth to say, "I don't know what's wrong with you, but I think we need to get you some help."
My tears stopped instantly and I shot a glare to him, "You don't know what's wrong with me? You just hit me. You keep hitting me. It's not getting better - that's what's wrong with me!"
I started writing it all down - every detail each time. Then I read what I wrote over and over again until it was burned into my memory as a reminder of how painfully real it all was. I was determined to not forget a single moment.
Three years out of it, and I'm still so determined to remember each moment, but why? What good does it do to focus on these moments? All it does it take me back to the most dark and painful places.
As we sat and drank our tea, my friend reminded me that if I'm going to come to a place of total healing, then I need to forgive him just as Christ forgives us. It's much easier said than done, and I've told myself that I forgive him before. That sure didn't stick long. How can you truly forgive someone for causing so much pain? The reality is that God forgives us each and every day - even after making the worst mistakes. We are supposed to emulate that same forgiveness, even when it hurts. Of course that doesn't excuse what happened; it doesn't make it any less real and it certainly doesn't downplay what was done - but it's still something we are asked to do, so I'm going to do it.
I decided that night to sit down and write him a message. I told him what he did and how it impacted my life. I told him how it broke me, and how those moments still sit with me and decide to make an appearance whenever they feel like it. I told him I was still so angry about what he did. Then...I told him I was letting it all go. That moment felt like the relief you feel from the exhale following a deep breath in.
I don't want to be angry forever. In a perfect world, I'd actually like to see him get better - and I know he can.
He made a snarky remark in response to my heartfelt message - and it was as if I was being gifted with yet another reason to hate him but instead, I took another deep breath and said to myself "I forgive you." In that moment, I could already feel that anger start to fade.
"I forgive you."
I intend to say those words to myself every time I think about what happened. I'm not going to focus on it or let it define who I am, but it is still part of my story and I'm stronger for it. God is using it in ways I didn't know would be possible. He always makes beauty from our broken pieces.
-jennilea
A huge thank you to Katie Pryor for capturing my story in these powerful photos. Check out more of her work here.
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