I got a phone call I wasn't expecting yesterday.
My ex killed himself. He is dead. If you're up to date on my life and on this blog, you know he was awful to me. He continued to be awful to each and every woman he has dated since then, even the most recent one. He has been in and out of jail and somehow became 10x worse than before.
He's dead.
Lots of thoughts rush to my head and have been playing on repeat since I got the news:
- He can't hurt anyone else.
- We don't have to worry about the restraining order expiring.
- He won't live near me anymore.
- I don't have to look over my shoulder.
- I don't have to pray for him to get better.
- His mom.
- His family.
- His daughter - they don't have a relationship. Is she really okay?
- He hurt her too.
- He can't hurt anyone else.
- He died.
- He killed himself.
- I didn't necessarily want him dead.
- He can't hurt anyone else.
- I can breathe.
- This chapter is REALLY over.
- He can't take it back.
- Why did he send it to his mom?
- He used to send photos like that to me too.
- He threatened suicide to manipulate me several times.
- Was it really on purpose?
- He's dead.
- He can't hurt anyone else.
- Was he scared?
- Did he regret it?
- How much was he drinking?
- Was he on drugs?
- He's gone.
- I'm about to cry because the weight is gone.
- I feel awful for feeling relieved.
- Should I feel awful for my relief?
- He's dead.
- He killed himself.
- He can't hurt anyone else.
This is a strange feeling and a very weird place to be.
