Four Years: Life After Abuse

After enduring 6 years of physical and emotional abuse from my husband, I left.  It wasn't easy.  I had doubts, I was disappointed, and I felt like a complete and total failure to myself, to my friends and family, and God.  Of course, none of that was true.

The story today is that here I stand, four years later, delivering a message of hope.  Life gets so much better on the other side of the struggle. 

If you're not familiar with my story, you can read up on a few recaps here:

Transparency: This will explain a lot.

Your Voice Will Save You

Two Years Later...

Three Years Ago, I Found Freedom

The quick version is that after my (now ex) husband had cheated on me again, I realized that after 6 years of enduring abuse, infidelity, and more hurt that I ever thought possible, I took steps to get out.  Here is how:

1.  Establish your support system.  I told two people I could trust, who would keep me from going back.  Christina and Nikki were incredibly instrumental in that they have some of the strongest personalities and are firm when in decision making, which is exactly what I needed.  If you're in this situation, find people like them.  They will hold you the standard of value you truly do have...which is a whole lot more value than your abuser told you that you have. 

2.  Get out.  When I made the decision to leave, I had absolutely “earned my way out,” as Nikki had put it. The hardest part about leaving is not knowing what the future holds. What if he does get better? Well...what if he doesn’t? After enduring all of the abuse and infidelity, I had always continued to support and love him, praying for a change. That change never came and if it was going to, I knew I wouldn’t be a part of that. One of my pastors said that you know change has truly happened when they decide to make a change, knowing they have still lost you. So, knowing that I had absolutely done all I could to save my marriage, I had to let him go. In a safe place, I told him I was done.  I brought Brian with me (who was just an incredible friend at this time) to pack up and grab my stuff while he was gone.  We brought it all to my moms.

3.  Cut contact.  This was something that took me quite a bit longer to do, and I wish I had done it sooner.  The longer you stay in contact, the longer they will be able to control your mind, emotions, and heart.  It wasn't until I finally cut all contact that I was able to truly let go and accept that it was over.  Block them from social media, your phone, and tell people to stop updating you on their life.  You don't need to know how they are doing. 

4.  Use your voice.  I opened up to everyone about that happened when I released my blog "Transparency: This will explain a lot."  In this blog, I explained what was going on, how I'm doing, and how everyone could help make this situation a little better for me.  It's important to set expectations and let those in your life  know how to best help you process through this major change in your life. I asked my friends for a few things:

What might I need or expect from you?  Prayer...I need prayer constantly for my heart to heal and feel whole.  If I need you, be there.  Play games with me - I love game night.  Take me on an adventure - or to experience anything new.  Please feel free to ask me how I am doing.  If I don't want to talk about it, respect that.  Don't tell me I will be okay.  I know I will be okay, but right now, it hurts - and that is pretty normal."

Another awesome part about opening up is that your voice has impact.  When I released my blog, two friends reached out and made decisions to leave their abusive relationships as well.  1 in 3 women, and 1 in 4 men have been a victim of some sort of violence by a partner at some point in their lifetime (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence). Think about that number measured up to the amount of friends you have on social media  alone.  I promise, even if you feel alone, you will find that you are not. 
You'll also find that you have a greater amount of support than you ever thought possible.

5.  Get counseling. Talk to a Pastor, a mentor, or one of the many resources for survivors of domestic violence.  One of my personal favorites is WEAVE.  These resources will help you process, understand what you're going through, and will help you to stop making excuses for what your abuser did.  They don't get excuses.  Don't ever doubt that you deserve more than what happened to you.

6.  Live Life.  Be single. Enjoy new freedoms found in your safety. Know that there are amazing people out there and hold your standards high!  Cling on to the lifeline of Jesus Christ, and know that you are enough. 

Over the past 4 years, I found that each March-May, I start thinking about those terrifying moments.  Anxiety skyrockets and fear sets in.  I experience flashbacks and night terrors, and I cry a lot.  Last year I made a decision to let it all go.  This year is different.  It actually kind of snuck up on me, and the only reason I remembered is because of the Facebook "Remember When" feature.

Being a survivor of domestic violence isn't the only thing that defines who I am.  I'm a wife, a puppy mommy, a bonus mom, a daughter, a sister, niece, an aunt, a cousin, a friend, a promotions manager.  I am forgiven, made new, and loved by an incredible God. I am valuable.  I am strong.  I am grateful.  I am so much more.

Thanks for coming along this journey with me.  It only gets better.

-jennilea

"Where the hoes at?!"

The room was dark and the music was loud at the most recent concert I went to. A group of hip-hop artists had just finished performing and the DJ working alongside the headlining artist took the stage. He started playing music to really get the crowd going. It worked. They were dancing and having a ton of fun. For me, the fun ended shortly after.

The room began to fill with the smell of weed, and just before announcing the headlining artist, the DJ yelled "Hold up, hold up." The music stopped. He continued on, "Where the hoes at?" The room quickly filled with a roar of cheer and applause from women - as if being a ho is something to be proud of. The definition of a ho is literally "prostitute" - Is that how you want to be treated? Is that truly how you see yourself? These men don't even know you - but they literally referred to a room full of women...a room full of their fans, as hoes? From there, they continued to shout things such as "Let's hear from all the ladies who left their boyfriends and home tonight so they can f*** with us." Again, the room filled with cheering, and I was left with an uneasy heart.

If I could scream it to every single woman in that building, I would - but since I can't just jump on stage, I'm going to use this platform instead. Please listen to me when I say to you YOU ARE VALUABLE. There is no one in this world, no matter how famous, who should be allowed to disrespect you by calling you any sort of derogatory term. You scream and jump at the opportunity to engage in those activities the artist raps about - but I am telling you now, if he is going to refer to you as a ho, then that is most definitely how you'll be treated. Just another city they performed in. Just another number. Just another girl he was able to hook up with and never see again. If that's worth it to you, then you are so much more broken than I could have ever imagined.

Aren't we better than that?

Yes. The answer to that question is yes. Instead of a room full of cheering, those men disrespectful boys should have been booed off stage.

Maybe it's a culture thing. But hip-hop culture doesn't have to be this way. We've got artists like Lecrae, Andy Mineo, NF, Izreal Graham - where their content isn't just about what's "hot" or "cool" by society's standards or based on what will bring in a quick paycheck. Where success isn't based off of who can get away with being disrespectful - and their words contain more weight than that of cursing and talking down to an entire group of people:

"But I know these people greater than the songs they created
It's little homies in the hood regurgitating
And everybody watching, thinking that you made it
The truth is for a few designer labels and a little bit of paper
Now you twelve years slaving
Hey, but you ain't Lupita so why you beat up and pushing people
To lean on the devil copping a seizure
It sound like you put your feet up
You still a slave and money can't buy you freedom"
Lecrae // Nuthin

"...they come to my shows with tears in they eyes
Imagine someone looking at you and saying your music's the reason that they are alive."
NF // Therapy Session

"Years later lust changed into sex no more love just goals to forget
gotta couple sins that I need to confess
supposed to be more mature bit it hurts no less
more years, same flesh, lots of fish up in the sea get caught in the same net
There's only one safe sex when your mind, soul, spirit, and the savior connects."
Izreal Graham featured on Justin Smith Williams track // Like I Love You

"I'm back and forth like a tug of war
I've been fighting for my life, like I'm trying to get right and I really want more, and I don't know
Back and forth like a tug of war
And I've been fighting for control, and fighting for my soul this is war"
Andy Mineo // Tug of War

These lyrics mean something. They meet you where you are, they tell a story, they lift you up, they make a difference...they make change - yet we glorify the garbage we are fed each day by every news outlet, TV show, movie...

Music is powerful because it connects with people in such a special way that invokes change.  It's time to speak life into this generation and every generation after, respecting ourselves and each other so we know without a doubt that we are worthy of something real.

Here is where you may not agree with me, and that's okay - but to me, the biggest proof of our value is the cost Christ paid for us on the cross. Even if it were just for you, He would have made that same decision because you are worth it. Even in our imperfection, God sees us as worthy.

John 15:13 "Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends."

There is no greater love out there than what the King of all kings did for us on the cross. Now pick up your crown, princess, and wear it with dignity. Expect nothing less than respect and honor from anyone in this world.

Men - be better than what society is telling you that you have to be. It's not okay to disrespect women - or anyone for that matter. We are all valuable and we deserve so much more than what our culture is teaching us.

One more time, in hopes to truly drive this home for you: You are valuable. Expect others to treat you as such.

-jennilea