There Is No Neutral Exchange...

I used to sleep with my car key and pepper spray in my bra. It might sound silly, but this tactic, along with the help of one incredible police officer, would end up saving my life one night.

This morning I got to chat with the officer whose voice has been in my head for the last 11 years saying that I was worth it and that I deserved more.

Let me take you back about 11 years...

**Trigger Warning** Graphic Domestic Violence Details Below:

Sometimes I would wake up to being beaten. Apparently in my sleeping state I often did things to upset him as well. To help protect myself, I started going to sleep with pepper spray and my car key in my bra. I never used the pepper spray. For some reason I could never convince myself to use it on him when it would have been very reasonable to do so. Maybe I had a fear it wouldn't actually work or that he would just end up using it on me. Still, it gave me comfort to just have it on me. 

My car key is a completely different story.  It was often my key to safety. When he would get angry, the two things he would take from me were my phone and my keys. I didn't want to be in a place where I couldn't get help if I needed it, so at the end of the night I would grab my keys, carefully and quietly slide off my car key, put it in my bra, and then replace the set where my keys would usually go.

This night was very similar to how nights had gone in the past. We would have a great day, he would come home and things would be fine, until suddenly and out of nowhere they became a nightmare. I was laying down asleep, and he woke me up. I don't remember what he was mad about, if I'm being honest. I just know he was angry. Absolutely enraged. He took my phone away from me. I tried to hide in a closet between the wall and a dresser. He found me and dragged me out to the living room where he proceeded to hold me down on the ground. He held my wrists. It was painful and again I thought that this might be my last night alive. My arms burned as if each touch was seering deep into my wrists and forearm. My stomach ached. My arms were throbbing. He finally was done with me for that moment. But I knew he wasn't done for the night. 

As soon as a free moment came, I jumped up and ran as fast as I could for my car. He was close. I could hear him running after me. I jumped into my car, locked the doors, and began to drive away. He was so close that he was able to actually kick my vehicle as I drove a way, leaving a dent which would remind me of this day for months. I drove and drove. I didn't have a phone and didn't know who I could reach out to. I just wanted to be safe, so I decided to find a police officer. We lived in Sacramento, but West Sacramento was nearby, and I knew I would find an officer there. Withing a few minutes of taking the Jefferson Blvd exit off of 50. The officer has pulled someone over. While I waited at the red light, I called out to her and said I needed help. She wrapped up her interaction with the other person, and came to me. I told her what had happened.  She said that while she was unable to help, she would tell an officer who can help to meet me.  We decided the other officer would meet me at a place of my choosing. I ended up choosing the parking lot at my job.

I waited and waited, constantly looking over my shoulder in fear he might pop up. It had been almost an hour before I finally decided to leave.  I went to a shell gas station to use their phone so I could call 911. The clerk refused to let me use the phone. I let him know it was an emergency, but still I would be told I had to use the payphone outside. No exceptions.  Even in my emergency.

I looked around, shivering in my pajamas, and walked to the payphone. My eyes constantly scanned the area for him. A dispatcher finally picked up and I shared what had happened to me that night.  An officer would meet me at Shell a short time after that.

When I saw his police vehicle drive up, I let out a sigh of relief. I knew I would be okay tonight, but I had no idea what was going to come out of this interaction. This was the first time I had called an officer out for help.

Officer Jason Meier got out of his vehicle and approached me. He asked what had happened and I broke down in tears. After telling my story, he mentioned that he would be going to arrest him. I begged him not to. He looked at me, and in the most gentle, matter of fact way he said, "You called for help. This is how I can help you. If this isn't what you want to be done, what is it that you'd like me to do." I just sighed and though tears I said, "I just want to be safe."

He asked if I had any bruises or marks on me. I did. I showed him my arms, each with their own hand print from my wrist to my forearm. It was bad. For the first time I saw just how bad. He looked at me with kindness in my eyes and said, "I have to arrest him. This is how I can help you be safe." He spoke in to my worth and said I needed to consider leaving. He was right. I knew he was right, but I wasn't ready. He gave me some resources before leaving to arrest my husband, my abuser. 

He was gone, and I was alone with my thoughts; the thoughts that no one would be able to rescue me out of this situation, I would need to pull myself out of it.

5 years later, when I would finally leave, I thought back to this moment and this day. I thought back to my interaction with Officer Jason Meier and I knew I had to rescue myself from this.

****

In 2017, our amazing friend Sean Poore helped me by tracking down the name, badge number, and where he worked. My plan was to thank this officer. I held on to this information, and when our friend Sean died, I didn't want to use this gift he gave me because it was like opening the last thing he had given me and I just wasn't ready to say goodbye to it. Two weeks ago, it felt like it was time. 

I reached out to another officer and friend who was able to get me in touch with officer Meier. Today I got to talk to him and, through tear, tell him how much of an impact this encounter had on me. He was blown away. He had said that in his 15 years serving, he had never had someone reach out to him like this. He said that you never know if the things you say impact those who you encounter. He often gets discouraged as he sees the cycle of abuse continue and so badly wants to see it end, so knowing that he had a part to play in my freedom meant the world. 

Officer Meier is now working in the Mental Health Unit with Sac PD, and I can't help but think he is absolutely in the right place.

I've dreamt of this day for a long time.  I've thought about the things to do and the words to say. Today was perfect.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Brennan Manning, "In every encounter we either give life or we drain it.There is no neutral exchange."

I can't help but think back to this moment where Officer Jason Meier chose to speak life, and in turn helped drastically change my life.

In every encounter, you have the ability to change a life. Don't take that for granted.

<3 -jennilea

Four Years: Life After Abuse

After enduring 6 years of physical and emotional abuse from my husband, I left.  It wasn't easy.  I had doubts, I was disappointed, and I felt like a complete and total failure to myself, to my friends and family, and God.  Of course, none of that was true.

The story today is that here I stand, four years later, delivering a message of hope.  Life gets so much better on the other side of the struggle. 

If you're not familiar with my story, you can read up on a few recaps here:

Transparency: This will explain a lot.

Your Voice Will Save You

Two Years Later...

Three Years Ago, I Found Freedom

The quick version is that after my (now ex) husband had cheated on me again, I realized that after 6 years of enduring abuse, infidelity, and more hurt that I ever thought possible, I took steps to get out.  Here is how:

1.  Establish your support system.  I told two people I could trust, who would keep me from going back.  Christina and Nikki were incredibly instrumental in that they have some of the strongest personalities and are firm when in decision making, which is exactly what I needed.  If you're in this situation, find people like them.  They will hold you the standard of value you truly do have...which is a whole lot more value than your abuser told you that you have. 

2.  Get out.  When I made the decision to leave, I had absolutely “earned my way out,” as Nikki had put it. The hardest part about leaving is not knowing what the future holds. What if he does get better? Well...what if he doesn’t? After enduring all of the abuse and infidelity, I had always continued to support and love him, praying for a change. That change never came and if it was going to, I knew I wouldn’t be a part of that. One of my pastors said that you know change has truly happened when they decide to make a change, knowing they have still lost you. So, knowing that I had absolutely done all I could to save my marriage, I had to let him go. In a safe place, I told him I was done.  I brought Brian with me (who was just an incredible friend at this time) to pack up and grab my stuff while he was gone.  We brought it all to my moms.

3.  Cut contact.  This was something that took me quite a bit longer to do, and I wish I had done it sooner.  The longer you stay in contact, the longer they will be able to control your mind, emotions, and heart.  It wasn't until I finally cut all contact that I was able to truly let go and accept that it was over.  Block them from social media, your phone, and tell people to stop updating you on their life.  You don't need to know how they are doing. 

4.  Use your voice.  I opened up to everyone about that happened when I released my blog "Transparency: This will explain a lot."  In this blog, I explained what was going on, how I'm doing, and how everyone could help make this situation a little better for me.  It's important to set expectations and let those in your life  know how to best help you process through this major change in your life. I asked my friends for a few things:

What might I need or expect from you?  Prayer...I need prayer constantly for my heart to heal and feel whole.  If I need you, be there.  Play games with me - I love game night.  Take me on an adventure - or to experience anything new.  Please feel free to ask me how I am doing.  If I don't want to talk about it, respect that.  Don't tell me I will be okay.  I know I will be okay, but right now, it hurts - and that is pretty normal."

Another awesome part about opening up is that your voice has impact.  When I released my blog, two friends reached out and made decisions to leave their abusive relationships as well.  1 in 3 women, and 1 in 4 men have been a victim of some sort of violence by a partner at some point in their lifetime (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence). Think about that number measured up to the amount of friends you have on social media  alone.  I promise, even if you feel alone, you will find that you are not. 
You'll also find that you have a greater amount of support than you ever thought possible.

5.  Get counseling. Talk to a Pastor, a mentor, or one of the many resources for survivors of domestic violence.  One of my personal favorites is WEAVE.  These resources will help you process, understand what you're going through, and will help you to stop making excuses for what your abuser did.  They don't get excuses.  Don't ever doubt that you deserve more than what happened to you.

6.  Live Life.  Be single. Enjoy new freedoms found in your safety. Know that there are amazing people out there and hold your standards high!  Cling on to the lifeline of Jesus Christ, and know that you are enough. 

Over the past 4 years, I found that each March-May, I start thinking about those terrifying moments.  Anxiety skyrockets and fear sets in.  I experience flashbacks and night terrors, and I cry a lot.  Last year I made a decision to let it all go.  This year is different.  It actually kind of snuck up on me, and the only reason I remembered is because of the Facebook "Remember When" feature.

Being a survivor of domestic violence isn't the only thing that defines who I am.  I'm a wife, a puppy mommy, a bonus mom, a daughter, a sister, niece, an aunt, a cousin, a friend, a promotions manager.  I am forgiven, made new, and loved by an incredible God. I am valuable.  I am strong.  I am grateful.  I am so much more.

Thanks for coming along this journey with me.  It only gets better.

-jennilea

You Get No Credit: A Short Rant

I had noticed some photos of my ex and I on a few pages, and asked for them to be deleted.  One of the responses I got: "Good or bad it is a part of your life story. If it wasn't for this part of your life you might not have come to where you are today."

NOPE!  He gets absolutely NO credit for where I am today!

I can say that with absolute confidence, because he never encouraged me to do those things I was so passionate about.  Every single day was full of discouragement, put-downs, doubt, and fear.  He doesn't deserve any sort of pat on the back for my accomplishments. 

I understand that this is part of my story.  I absolutely own that this is part of my story, but that doesn't mean it is something I want or need to be reminded of.  In those photos, I don't see great memories.  I see a girl who is trying her best to put on a happy face, while hiding from the world that she is terrified he might hit her again - or worse.  In our wedding photos, I see someone full of hope who will very quickly come to see that every last vow made to her will be broken.  The only thing he can have credit for is giving me a world of experience that I absolutely should not have had.

Here are the facts: If it were not for my strength to leave an abusive relationship, my resilience, my faith in who God is, my desire to push harder than ever to pursue my dreams; if it were not for my hard work I would not be where I am today!   

It is a complete miracle that I didn't get lost in my situation, which I credit completely to God in that He gave me the courage to push forward, to heal, and to go after the desires of my heart.  

I am sure this comment was not meant to be taken as I have taken it, but please understand that what you said does not help what I've been through; it waters down and sugarcoats the situation.  There is no sugarcoating in abuse.

In related news: Normally I like to give a fun fact here - but in "feeling the room" I am going to give a not so fun national statistic: "Domestic victimization is correlated with a higher rate of depression and suicidal behavior."  I am so incredibly grateful to have not experienced these things.  Restating what I said earlier, it is absolutely by my faith in God that I did not get lost in what happened to me.  

For more statistics, visit the website for National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website here.

-jennilea