You Get No Credit: A Short Rant

I had noticed some photos of my ex and I on a few pages, and asked for them to be deleted.  One of the responses I got: "Good or bad it is a part of your life story. If it wasn't for this part of your life you might not have come to where you are today."

NOPE!  He gets absolutely NO credit for where I am today!

I can say that with absolute confidence, because he never encouraged me to do those things I was so passionate about.  Every single day was full of discouragement, put-downs, doubt, and fear.  He doesn't deserve any sort of pat on the back for my accomplishments. 

I understand that this is part of my story.  I absolutely own that this is part of my story, but that doesn't mean it is something I want or need to be reminded of.  In those photos, I don't see great memories.  I see a girl who is trying her best to put on a happy face, while hiding from the world that she is terrified he might hit her again - or worse.  In our wedding photos, I see someone full of hope who will very quickly come to see that every last vow made to her will be broken.  The only thing he can have credit for is giving me a world of experience that I absolutely should not have had.

Here are the facts: If it were not for my strength to leave an abusive relationship, my resilience, my faith in who God is, my desire to push harder than ever to pursue my dreams; if it were not for my hard work I would not be where I am today!   

It is a complete miracle that I didn't get lost in my situation, which I credit completely to God in that He gave me the courage to push forward, to heal, and to go after the desires of my heart.  

I am sure this comment was not meant to be taken as I have taken it, but please understand that what you said does not help what I've been through; it waters down and sugarcoats the situation.  There is no sugarcoating in abuse.

In related news: Normally I like to give a fun fact here - but in "feeling the room" I am going to give a not so fun national statistic: "Domestic victimization is correlated with a higher rate of depression and suicidal behavior."  I am so incredibly grateful to have not experienced these things.  Restating what I said earlier, it is absolutely by my faith in God that I did not get lost in what happened to me.  

For more statistics, visit the website for National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website here.

-jennilea

I wrote myself a letter nearly 3 years ago...

In my Day Zero Project, I had challenged myself to write a letter and open it after my project.  I am so happy I did this:

Dear future Jenni,

You are probably just as awesome now as you were in 2012.  I hope you don't have kids yet, because there are still things to do and future me will slap you.  I hope you completed the list - it is a lot to do, but completely worth it!  Congrats on you AA!  Keep working hard at Sac State and graduate soon!  None of this 5 years at Sac State crap.  Graduate and move on!  Now that your 1001 days is over, complete any goals you may not have finished - hopefully there will be none left.  Keep traveling.  Next big trip...Italy only.  Keep exploring.  Do as much as you can before officially settling down.  Is How I Met Your Mother still on?  That show will remain awesome forever.  The most important thing over the next 2.75 years is that your relationship with God grows.  Never stop growing in Him - because He is pretty awesome.  Depend on Him - ALWAYS!  I hope nothing difficult is bringing you down, and if it is, you will get through it.  Hang onto the lifeline of Jesus Christ.  Keep on keepin' on and stay awesome.  Say "hi" to Steven and Jadelynn for you.  Wow - Jadelynn is like 9 by now - weird.  And you are 24 - and Steven is 28.  Crazy!!!  Have fun times, future Jenni.

<3 Past Jenni

Well, some things never change.   For example, I'm still awesome.  Ha!  

There are many things in this letter to comment on.  First, I had a detail wrong.  Steven is 29, not 28.  

Next, past me was right on the money about not having kids yet.  Later in the letter when past me says "before officially settling down," I was also referring to having children.  My mind is still on that same thought.  There are so many things to do - and I definitely have wanderlust still...and, of course, I am slightly less married than I was when I wrote this letter.  

Past me congratulated future me on my AA - even writing this before I was done at ARC, so that was neat.  I also like that I told myself to push through Sac State - which I've been doing.  I graduate in December, after attending Sac state for only 3 semesters, so I didn't let myself down there.

Next, past me told future me to go to Italy next - and used the word "only" because I tend to overbook my life (as many already know), and I really want to enjoy this trip.  Interestingly enough, a few months ago, I made the decision to go to Italy this coming summer!  It's my graduation gift to myself. :]

Of course past me would mention How I Met Your Mother - It's still my favorite show, even though it's over now.

Finally - past me told future me to always rely on God.  That never changed.  Even in going through the hardest points in my life, I never stopped relying on Him to carry me though.  

The interesting thing here is that, though none of you may pick up on it, even in this letter - in this time, I was very uncertain on my relationship.  When past me said "I hope nothing difficult is bringing you down,"  This was code for saying I hoped my husband had really quit drinking, wasn't being abusive, and that everything would finally be how a marriage was supposed to be.  We never got there - but that's okay.  I've turned into a stronger person.  Over the last 2.75 years, I grew fearless in an entirely different way:  I became fearless enough to leave my unhealthy marriage and seek more for myself. 

Going through this letter was definitely a neat experience.  

In other news, there is a city in Turkey called "Batman."

Find more So True Facts online here.

-jennilea