My Testimony

When I was younger, I would sit in church and hear all of these incredible redemption stories that usually included deliverance from addiction or just really awful things that happened before someone finally found God - and/or realized that He was there all along.  They were stories of healing, forgiveness, and lives forever changed.  While I was grateful to have not experienced those moments before asking God into my heart, I felt like my story really wasn't powerful at all.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

My testimony is just that:  It's the fact that I've grown up knowing and loving the Lord, which set my life on a completely different track from where it could have gone.

After knowing me, several people have said that they were surprised that I'd gone through so much, because my face tends to show nothing but joy.  That joy is 100% from God, and it was placed in my heart after facing a tragedy when I was 14.  My parents split up.  My dad had met someone else with kids, and they had become his family - leaving us behind.  At the time, this was the worst thing I had experienced in my young 14 years, and I was completely crushed.  Growing up, I was a daddy's girl through and through and all of that was gone.  I felt more alone than ever before and I was so angry at him, and at God for allowing this to happen.

One afternoon, while completely alone in our new apartment, I finally hit a breaking point and just cried my eyes out before actually yelling at God.  Doubting Him, I said, "Why did you let this happen?  I am alone and for the first time I don't feel you here either.  I need to feel that you're here now more than ever!"  I cried even harder and fell to my knees, begging God to show me He was real in that moment.

What happened next was what set my heart on complete fire for God, and has literally carried me through every bad day and every heartbreaking experienced I've faced.

On my knees in the living room floor, crying enough tears to fill an ocean, I felt arms wrap around me and I was being held.  I was filled with this overwhelming sense of joy and love, and my tears began to take on a new meaning.  I knew in that moment that God was real, and I was so incredibly loved by Him. No matter what I would face, He would be there holding me up.  God the Father, showed up in true form for me right when I needed Him to.

I have carried what I learned that day through everything I've faced in life.

Raped and left feeling empty, I was filled with God's love, peace, and was wholly restored.
Knife to my side and hand to my throat, I closed my eyes trusting that God would tell me when to move, and He did.
Divorced with a feeling of being unworthy and unloved, He showed me I was valuable and brought healing, forgiveness, and restoration.

The only constant and consistent thing in my life has been the love of God.  I am grateful for that one moment, which has become my testimony, because it gave me the strength to forgive, to move forward, and to have so much joy through every inch of pain.

-jennilea

Why I chose to wait AFTER marriage...

I read an article recently that inspired me to write about my own experience with this, so here we go.

I was married before so clearly I've had sex already, so why choose to wait now?  I can't tell you the amount of times I've been asked this by friends, family, and even complete strangers.  I could easily just say "well...that's none of your dang business," but if they are asking and really care to know, then I want to give the most real response possible.

So, let's go down the rabbit hole then...

If you're not up to date on my previous posts, then let's get you up to speed.  I was raped when I was 18 years old by a "friend." I blamed myself, felt shame - It shook me to the core.  He denied it was what it was, and we never talked about it again.

I got engaged, and my choice to wait never really felt respected. It was constantly brought up, I heard phrases like "if you don't then someone else will," among so many other things.  I held strong, but on the inside I felt so very broken and it always seemed to bring me back to that place where I felt the shame I did before.

We got married, he turned abusive, and sex was the furthest thing from my mind.  How could I trust this person with my body if I couldn't trust him with my heart - or even my life?  As you can guess, this was a major hiccup in our marriage.  He always wanted and I tried to deliver - but inside I just felt broken and used.  It didn't feel like everything I had dreamed of.  I didn't feel loved, cherished, valuable, or even respected.

By the time I got out of that relationship, I really just felt like damaged goods.  I didn't feel any worth, and I felt far from pure.

That's where Jesus stepped in.

When I truly began to seek Him first and find healing, I was able to forgive the man who raped me.  I forgave the man who beat me and made me feel used.  I would have a fresh start, knowing that I was worthy to be waited for.  I felt pure again.  This was starting over.

I hear it time and time again: "It's 2017, waiting is old school."

Maybe so, but I know that it's what God asks of us - and after feeling as broken as I did before, I am going to protect and guard that part of my heart until the day I say "I do."

What's even better is that I've found the person who is completely content in the waiting.  At least to my face.  Haha!  But that's all that matters right?  That he is willing to not put the pressure on me. He respects and honors the decision I have made and will help me see that through until October 23rd.

October 23rd?  Nope - that is not a typo!  Right after the wedding, we head to Belize.  Our flight takes off 2 hours after the wedding, so our first time will be in our fancy resort room...60 feet from the ocean, and covered in nothing but love, honor, and respect.  Call it vanilla, but it's actually going to be exactly as I thought it would be when I was 18 years old because it's going to be centered in real love.

I'll be safe. Nothing else will exist but us in that moment...

...and probably for months after.

-jennilea

Purpose

"The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why." 

- Mark Twain

I've heard this quote many times before, but these words didn't mean much to me until I heard them again just a few weeks ago.

In 2010, God put a desire on my heart to put a youth conference together called Fuel the Fire.  After almost a year of fundraising, booking, scheduling, practicing, promoting, etc. the event finally came together.  We had over 500 people attend from all over California.  75 dedicated their lives to God that night.  The altar was filled with countless people who had a life changing experience that night.  At that point in my life, I really wanted to be on stage - singing for Jesus, not working behind the scenes.  However, this night changed everything. 

During altar call, I went to the back of the building we were using to just take in what God was doing that night.  I took this photo in complete awe at what He has used me for.  This event was bigger than anything I could have ever imagined; it had a real impact on lives - bringing people closer to who God wanted them to be.

Right after taking this photo, I realized what God wanted me to do.  Suddenly, putting events together had become my passion.  I especially loved booking and promoting. 

In the middle of my paramedic program at ARC, I switched to a major that would bring me closer to doing what I had become so passionate about:  Music Business. 

I was starting over - but it was completely okay because I knew where I was going.  I didn't exactly know how God had planned for me to get there - but I knew He had it covered.

Fast forward 5 years:  Just a few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to bring Air1 to the My City youth conference at Capital Christian.  During Hillsong Young and Free's worship set, I decided to snap a few photos of the event to add to our social media.  After taking this photo, I looked at it and had a moment of realization:  I'm right where God wants me to be - Doing the exact thing he had set a fire in me to do.  I am blessed with the opportunity to be used by Him daily in a full time ministry - working with music, connecting with people, and being led by God to make a difference in the lives of our listeners.

I feel such peace and joy;  I feel overwhelmingly blessed to be able to do something I am so incredibly passionate about - knowing I am right where He wants me to be.

God has such an incredible purpose for each of our lives.  There are no words to describe the feeling of knowing what that purpose is - and this is only the beginning of the wonderful things He is doing in my life.

On that note, I leave you with my favorite verse:

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. " -Jeremiah 29:11 

-jennilea

Welcome to the new normal!

Six months ago, I wrote a blog called Transparency: This will explain a lot.  This was a huge deal for me, because it was the first time I opened up about the experiences I've had with domestic violence and infidelity.  Being a pretty private person (when it comes to my personal life/relationships), it was incredibly hard to let all of this out.  That being said, I can honestly say that I've never regretted the decision I made to tell all of you lovely people what happened.  It helped me feel heard.  It helped me feel like I wasn't going crazy.  As I wrote down and relived some of the worst moments of my life - it helped me come to terms with what happened.  It helped me heal.

Recently, domestic violence has been a hot topic in NFL news; While it is unfortunate it's had to come up in such a way, I sure am happy that it's opened up some sort of conversation.  What really stood out to me in all of this though, it the amount of backlash people who stay in abusive relationships received.  Yes - it's not the best idea, and most people don't want to or enjoy being slapped around - but I guarantee it is hardly ever as simple as just leaving.  Every person has a story - a situation you may not know anything about.  

With the backlash came a campaign that I was able to really get behind.  #WhyIStayed and #WhyILeft began trending on Twitter, where several women shared their stories in 140 characters or less.  This built an incredible community of support and encouragement.  I wasn't alone.  None of us were.  Furthermore, we weren't victims, we were overcomers.  

My contribution to the campaign:

I separated who he was when he drank & who he was when sober.I didn't want to be a failure if there was a chance this wasn't him #whyistayed  

I realized I am valuable. #whyileft

The freedom I felt in writing this is indescribable. The community and support received was amazing.

Six months ago, I started my blog off by saying: "One day, I know I will wake up and feel normal, but until then, I will keep pressing on, living life, feeling, trusting God, and having as much adventure as possible."

When I wrote these words, I had no idea what "normal" meant.  I didn't realize it, but in that moment, I connected that feeling with how I felt with the ex. If that is feeling "normal," then praise God I will never feel "normal" again!  Welcome to the "new normal," Jennilea!  It is far better than I could have ever imagined.  I feel like "me" again.  Excited, happy, driven, determined, adventurous, peace, joy, laughter, and completely - 100% healed!  My heart has been stitched back together and is held so intensely by the love of Jesus.  I also refuse to accept the "victim" title.  Nope.  I am an overcomer, and I am awesome.   

Finally:  I have completed my Day Zero Project!  101 things completed in 1001 days and I could not be more proud!  I had the wonderful opportunity to experience and learn so much.  I also had the opportunity to open up a letter I had written for myself when I first began this challenge.  I will be sharing that letter, the last few experiences, and what I've learned in the next few blogs I post - so keep checking back!

In other news: Deviating from my normal "fun" fact, I feel it is only fitting to mention that if you or someone you know is in an (emotionally, verbally, psychologically, or physically) abusive relationship, I encourage you to check out The National Domestic Violence Hotline.  They are available 24/7 and can get you help.  Staying is never your only option.

-jennilea

Putting the Pieces Back Together

There is not much this week for my goals, but I finally began working on my puzzle again. I thought I was missing a few border pieces (after my Cat's killed my puzzle), so I searched the box for more pieces, and were unable to find them.  I began counting, to ensure that we had all 1000 pieces and reworked the border to see if I had done anything wrong. It turns out I had put a few pieces together incorrectly.  Problem solved.  This puzzle is much more difficult than the last ones I did.  A lot of the colors are very similar.

After about a month off, I am finally running again.  The first time, I was on a treadmill and only did two miles.  It is so much more difficult on a treadmill!  Wednesday, I headed outside and did 4.6 miles!  It felt great!  I would have gone further, but needed to lift weights too, so there was not enough time to go further.  Next run, I hope to hit seven miles (or more).  I can't believe how close I am to the half marathon.

My dad's birthday was on Friday, so I decided to take him skydiving!  He had no idea what we were going to do, so it was pretty exciting.  On Saturday, I had him meet me at my office, and we headed over.  As we got off the freeway, we could see the skydiving signs.  The look on his face when he realized what we were doing - his smile - priceless.  I love seeing my dad happy! Jessica was also with us, and this was her first time skydiving too!  It turns out it was -10 degrees F at 14,000 feet.  Absolutely freezing!  They gave us gloves and put us in cool little suits to help keep us warm.  My dad was the first one to jump.  It was weird watching him fall out.  I knew he would enjoy it.  My turn came up shortly after.  Not before Batman (my skydiving instructor), told a few awesome jokes:  What is the hardest part of skydiving - the ground.  Dyyying. By now, you should all know I am a fan of bad jokes.  Finally, we got to the door, and headed out!  The moment is always weird falling out, because you have to get used to breathing with all of that wind.  At 120 miles per hour, we were free falling for one minute, the shoot opened, and we glided (for four minutes) back to the ground.  I was able to steer, which was fun, but a little insane, because I was loosing the feeling in my fingertips from the cold.  By the time we made it down, I could hardly feel them.  It was another great trip!  If you ever choose to go skydiving, the Parachute Center is awesome.  I highly recommend Batman or Dan from New Zealand as your skydiving instructor. If you are going for the first time, request Cory Hall for your video or photos. He did mine and my dad's photos and video.  Both of them turned out amazing!

This weekend, I had a lesson in listening to God.  It was actually pretty amazing.  At The Open Door, a youth program that  I assist with, my friend, Aly (YouthQuake AD), shared of a time when she was feeling sad, and God told her to smile at the next person she sees.  She was not feeling like it, but did it anyway.  The man she smiled at turned around and asked if she knew Jesus.  He said he could see God all over her.  Absolutely amazing.  During this show, I had felt that God was telling me to mend a broken relationship by walking over to someone, hugging, and just giving love.  After much debate with God, I finally did it.  A relationship was repaired that night with love.  It felt great.  <3

I am prepping for our college group this week, and the focus is about tradition.  We often let our traditions get in the way of an actual relationship, and can sometimes keep us from really following what God says.  Sometimes, we may not even notice it.  It is interesting that this is the focus, because I had just been thinking about this subject in regard to prayer after I prayed over our dinner tonight.  I am used to praying over dinner, but am I really talking to God, or am I just doing it because I am used to it?  I really feel like 2013 is going to be a year of development.  

Finally, I want to feature Bucket List Publications.  This is a site I stumbled upon through Instagram.  This is an online magazine that is a lifetime worth of experiences.  This couple has devoted their lives to adventure and experiencing new things.  Check it out.  They are doing some amazing things.

In other news:  "All the pandas in the world come from China. When a baby panda is born, by agreement, it is sent back to China via FedEx."
(Follow UberFacts on Twitter)

-jennilea