Unconditional Love

So we bombed Afghanistan.  I'm sure I can't even begin to understand the complexity of that decision, but what I do know is that the death of others isn't something to celebrate.

When I opened my Facebook App on the morning of April 13th, I was completely disgusted to see a status posted by someone who has been such a major influence in my younger years where he was celebrating how hardcore America is and essentially the deaths that the bombing caused.  This broke my spirit, and actually impacted a large chunk of my day.

In my sadness, I was reminded of one thing:  No matter how ugly people can get, God loves each and every person just as much as he loves me.  That is unconditional love; the king of love that the God I serve extends to everyone.  Seeing bad things happen doesn't please God, and we shouldn't be celebrating it either.  Instead, we should be in prayer for peace and restoration.  We should be praying for these countries as well as our own.

Without prayer, without God - we fall apart.

-jennilea

You're mean - But I forgive you.

You're mean - But I forgive you. 

You create these stories to tell people in your own world, hoping they will make it back to mine - which of course they do and of course they hurt because I don't understand for the life of me why you won't stop - But I forgive you. 

You post statuses and photos insisting that you don't care - but they scream that you are hurting inside and rather than embracing the hurt to feel and truly process through what it is you're experiencing, you try to hurt others - But I forgive you. 

You send your friends to cyber bully me at any opportunity - spewing hateful words and accusations as if I'm supposed to suddenly come out and admit that the lies you've created are reality - But I forgive you. 

You tell lies and try to pit family members and friends against each other, grasping at straws in an attempt to take anyone down with you - But I forgive you. 

I'm not part of what happened to you. No matter how hard you try to paint this picture as if your situation was something far greater than what it actually was - blaming me or anyone else who you feel you can hurt - But I forgive you. 

I forgive you. I forgive you. 

The words are hard to say. They are even harder to make myself believe. 

The truth is that there is something deeper to the game you're playing; you're hurting and it is completely okay to hurt. 

Furthermore, it's okay to admit that you're hurting because honestly, you're better than this. 

You are better than any lie you have crafted. 

You are better than the hurt you won't let yourself heal from. 

You are better than any of this. 

You deserve much more than you think. Give yourself a chance to have that rather than swimming in your own pool of bitterness and stories.

In the words of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. "...Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."

Furthermore, God calls us to love and forgive, even when it is so incredibly hard to do so. 

Let me tell you now that while I do absolutely hate what you've done and all of the things you've said, I do love you. While each and every post that finds it's way back to me does bother me for mere minutes - I do forgive you for them. 

I forgive you for them because I know you're hurting and hope that one day you'll forgive yourself too so you can be completely healed and whole from all you've experienced. 

Yes - you are mean (right now) - But I forgive you. 

-jennilea

"Your voice will save you."

"Authentic love does not devalue another human being" - Brooke Axtell 

Before Katy Perry's emotional Grammy performance of "By The Grace of God," Brooke Axtell, sex trafficking and domestic violence survivor and activist, gave probably the most heartwrenching and real speach.  With intense passion and desperation, she spoke out:  "Authentic love does not devalue another human being. Authentic love does not silence, shame or abuse. If you're in a relationship with someone who does not honor or respect you, I want you to know you are worthy of love. Please reach out for help."

Her speech, coupled with Perry's performance, left me speechless and in this ocean of emotion.  I related to everything - and I know I'm not alone in that.  I started researching the lyrics to "By The Grace of God."  This is the first song I've felt connected to - that described what I've been through in such a real way.

"Was full of secrets locked up tight...Running on empty so out of gas."  Yes.  When you're in this place where you feel like you can't speak - there is no one to talk to about what you're facing because you've sort of alienated yourself from people.  It felt like I'd be a burden, or I feared their reaction if I didn't do what they thought I should do (knowing their advice was best for me - even if it wasn't easy).  After a while, you're just worn;  Tired of keeping secrets and going through it alone.  You feel lost and trapped.  I felt like this was my life - a product of my decisions and I deserved what I was getting. On top of that, I was constantly told it was my fault as it was happening. At some point, you just start believing it. 

"Thought I wasn't enough.  Found I wasn't so tough.  Layin' on the bathroom floor."  This line spoke to me the most because it literally did replay a story to me:

*Warning - this story is graphic*

One night, he was drinking. I thought the best idea would be for me to sleep. That way, he couldn't get upset - he wouldn't think I was nagging if I asked him to slow down. I just thought it would be better for everyone.  He woke me up anyway, and was furious. He had found one of my "I love Mr. Pickles" T-Shirts from when I had worked there for a few months.  He was insisting that Mr. Pickles was this real person who I was seeing behind his back.  He choked me as I laid on the bed, then kicked me off onto the ground where he continued to hit, kick, and choke me again.  He finally walked away, and I found a hiding place, for the first time:  The bathroom floor.  It was the only room in the house with a lock, and as he banged on the door, I was lying on the floor praying he wouldn't break through as I made my first 911 call for help.  I truly believe if I didn't call them, I would not have made it through that night.  He began banging on the door even harder as he realized what I was doing - screaming all kinds of names and profanities at me.  Suddenly, it stopped.  I sat there in tears on the phone with the operator who stayed on the line with me the whole time, and advised I don't leave the bathroom, even to open the door for the police because we had no idea if he was in the household at that point.  

I heard a knock on the bathroom door.  I was shaking as I quietly answered, "Yes?"  I held my breath as I awaited the response.  "This is the police, we're here to help you."  I let out a huge sigh and just started bawling.  I was safe.  I was going to be okay.  

They spoke to me about domestic violence and gave me paperwork on different programs that could help me.  

I didn't take their advice that day.  I should have, but I didn't.  He always had a way of making me believe he would be better - that he would be different.

If anyone else finds themselves in this position - please take their advice.  Get help.  Get out.

Which brings me to the next line of the song:

"By the grace of God - I picked myself back up.  I put one foot in front of the other and I looked in the mirror and decided to stay."

Each time something happened, the only way I know I was able to continue moving forward was by the grace of God.  He carried me through every outburst, every incident. It was in His perfect love that I was able to find any sort of joy in life. 

"Now every morning, there is no more mourning. I can finally see myself again."

So much truth. I don't have those mornings where I wake up feeling such complete brokenness. I don't have to question why I'm still living. Instead, I feel freedom, peace, and a real passion and excitement for life again. I feel like myself rather than as if I were fighting each day for normalcy - just to make it through one more night. I don't have to search for the silver linings and happiness; It's there already as I see God working all throughout my life - healing every piece that was shattered. 
"I know I am enough. Possible to be loved. It was not about me. Now I have to rise above...the truth'll set you free."

I am enough. God bought me (and all of us) at such a high price. We are all so precious and deserving of a Christ-like love. We are worth dying for. I am worth dying for. 

Now I can take these horror stories I lived though, be open and real about them, and allow God to use my life and my story to help bring other to freedom. 

In freedom, I am no longer a victim, I am an overcommer and there is such beauty that has come out of the brokenness of what I have overcome. 

If you have gone through or are currently going through something like this - I know it's not easy to speak up in what your going through, but please know, just as Brooke Axtell said, "your voice will save you." Talk to someone, anyone. Get help. Life can be so much better than the nightmare you've been living. 

I encourage you to check out the article I read, which gave an incredible overview of the heart of Brooke Axtell's message and Katy Perry's performance: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2945421/Domestic-violence-survivor-sex-trafficked-7-year-old-Texas-male-nanny-gives-speech-alongside-Katy-Perry-Grammys.html 

Rise up. Get help. Speak out. 

-jennilea

Experiencing Happiness!

90 things done - 73 days remaining:  http://dayzeroproject.com/user/jennileam/list/43740.

Recently, I've lit fireworks (thanks to Bri and Jimmy for that), rode the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland, and got my pup!  

This is Cobie - and he is absolutely perfect.  People told me that having a puppy would be a hard thing, but it really is not as bad as they made it sound - which is wonderful.  

I've learned pretty quickly that a puppy is as good as you train it to be.  He needs to be set up for success.  It's like having a child.  You don't leave your kids around things they can destroy or hurt themselves with, and when you do see them get into the wrong things, you correct it.  I take Cobie with me everywhere!  He loves people, and does really well around the animals he has met, so far.

We play a lot!  He is extremely active, and that keeps me active.  He loves cuddles, and since my life is now lacking that, I do not mind cuddling him.  HA!  We have training sessions each day and he is excelling in "stay" and "sit."  As he begins puppy classes, I hope he learns more just as quickly as he has picked up the first two commands.  We have a mini grooming session each day too, which consists of cleaning his ears, brushing his teeth, brushing his fur, and touching his eyes, paws, and gums so he gets used to that sort of thing for his vet and future groomer.  Yep...definitely like having a kid.  He is perfect.

I've got 11 more things to complete - including the need to add 1 more item to my list - so bring on the ideas!

Next topic:  Happiness.

I was hanging out with a friend, when a guy came up smelling completely of alcohol.  I am positive the man is an alcoholic (confirmed by the same friend).  The smell is sickening and all too familiar.  That smell, the craziness of that lifestyle - it's no longer part of my life.  I'm free.  I found that I don't need to place my worth in people, and instead find it in God.  The fact that, to Him, I am worth dying for.

I no longer have to search hard to find something to make me smile.  Happy things are all around.  I can breathe without fear.  I no longer feel sadness over my situation, but instead hope for what is coming.  My heart is healing and God is helping me rebuild and giving me perfect peace.  I am rediscovering things I am passionate about and working hard to achieve my goals.  I have the love and support of tons of amazing friends and family members.

In short, I am experiencing happiness.  Not fake, smile just to get through the day, happiness - but real honest excitement for life and for my future.

Life is beautiful.

In other news:  "You breathe on average about 5 million times a year."

(Read more cool facts here.)

-jennilea

Putting the Pieces Back Together

There is not much this week for my goals, but I finally began working on my puzzle again. I thought I was missing a few border pieces (after my Cat's killed my puzzle), so I searched the box for more pieces, and were unable to find them.  I began counting, to ensure that we had all 1000 pieces and reworked the border to see if I had done anything wrong. It turns out I had put a few pieces together incorrectly.  Problem solved.  This puzzle is much more difficult than the last ones I did.  A lot of the colors are very similar.

After about a month off, I am finally running again.  The first time, I was on a treadmill and only did two miles.  It is so much more difficult on a treadmill!  Wednesday, I headed outside and did 4.6 miles!  It felt great!  I would have gone further, but needed to lift weights too, so there was not enough time to go further.  Next run, I hope to hit seven miles (or more).  I can't believe how close I am to the half marathon.

My dad's birthday was on Friday, so I decided to take him skydiving!  He had no idea what we were going to do, so it was pretty exciting.  On Saturday, I had him meet me at my office, and we headed over.  As we got off the freeway, we could see the skydiving signs.  The look on his face when he realized what we were doing - his smile - priceless.  I love seeing my dad happy! Jessica was also with us, and this was her first time skydiving too!  It turns out it was -10 degrees F at 14,000 feet.  Absolutely freezing!  They gave us gloves and put us in cool little suits to help keep us warm.  My dad was the first one to jump.  It was weird watching him fall out.  I knew he would enjoy it.  My turn came up shortly after.  Not before Batman (my skydiving instructor), told a few awesome jokes:  What is the hardest part of skydiving - the ground.  Dyyying. By now, you should all know I am a fan of bad jokes.  Finally, we got to the door, and headed out!  The moment is always weird falling out, because you have to get used to breathing with all of that wind.  At 120 miles per hour, we were free falling for one minute, the shoot opened, and we glided (for four minutes) back to the ground.  I was able to steer, which was fun, but a little insane, because I was loosing the feeling in my fingertips from the cold.  By the time we made it down, I could hardly feel them.  It was another great trip!  If you ever choose to go skydiving, the Parachute Center is awesome.  I highly recommend Batman or Dan from New Zealand as your skydiving instructor. If you are going for the first time, request Cory Hall for your video or photos. He did mine and my dad's photos and video.  Both of them turned out amazing!

This weekend, I had a lesson in listening to God.  It was actually pretty amazing.  At The Open Door, a youth program that  I assist with, my friend, Aly (YouthQuake AD), shared of a time when she was feeling sad, and God told her to smile at the next person she sees.  She was not feeling like it, but did it anyway.  The man she smiled at turned around and asked if she knew Jesus.  He said he could see God all over her.  Absolutely amazing.  During this show, I had felt that God was telling me to mend a broken relationship by walking over to someone, hugging, and just giving love.  After much debate with God, I finally did it.  A relationship was repaired that night with love.  It felt great.  <3

I am prepping for our college group this week, and the focus is about tradition.  We often let our traditions get in the way of an actual relationship, and can sometimes keep us from really following what God says.  Sometimes, we may not even notice it.  It is interesting that this is the focus, because I had just been thinking about this subject in regard to prayer after I prayed over our dinner tonight.  I am used to praying over dinner, but am I really talking to God, or am I just doing it because I am used to it?  I really feel like 2013 is going to be a year of development.  

Finally, I want to feature Bucket List Publications.  This is a site I stumbled upon through Instagram.  This is an online magazine that is a lifetime worth of experiences.  This couple has devoted their lives to adventure and experiencing new things.  Check it out.  They are doing some amazing things.

In other news:  "All the pandas in the world come from China. When a baby panda is born, by agreement, it is sent back to China via FedEx."
(Follow UberFacts on Twitter)

-jennilea