My Testimony

When I was younger, I would sit in church and hear all of these incredible redemption stories that usually included deliverance from addiction or just really awful things that happened before someone finally found God - and/or realized that He was there all along.  They were stories of healing, forgiveness, and lives forever changed.  While I was grateful to have not experienced those moments before asking God into my heart, I felt like my story really wasn't powerful at all.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

My testimony is just that:  It's the fact that I've grown up knowing and loving the Lord, which set my life on a completely different track from where it could have gone.

After knowing me, several people have said that they were surprised that I'd gone through so much, because my face tends to show nothing but joy.  That joy is 100% from God, and it was placed in my heart after facing a tragedy when I was 14.  My parents split up.  My dad had met someone else with kids, and they had become his family - leaving us behind.  At the time, this was the worst thing I had experienced in my young 14 years, and I was completely crushed.  Growing up, I was a daddy's girl through and through and all of that was gone.  I felt more alone than ever before and I was so angry at him, and at God for allowing this to happen.

One afternoon, while completely alone in our new apartment, I finally hit a breaking point and just cried my eyes out before actually yelling at God.  Doubting Him, I said, "Why did you let this happen?  I am alone and for the first time I don't feel you here either.  I need to feel that you're here now more than ever!"  I cried even harder and fell to my knees, begging God to show me He was real in that moment.

What happened next was what set my heart on complete fire for God, and has literally carried me through every bad day and every heartbreaking experienced I've faced.

On my knees in the living room floor, crying enough tears to fill an ocean, I felt arms wrap around me and I was being held.  I was filled with this overwhelming sense of joy and love, and my tears began to take on a new meaning.  I knew in that moment that God was real, and I was so incredibly loved by Him. No matter what I would face, He would be there holding me up.  God the Father, showed up in true form for me right when I needed Him to.

I have carried what I learned that day through everything I've faced in life.

Raped and left feeling empty, I was filled with God's love, peace, and was wholly restored.
Knife to my side and hand to my throat, I closed my eyes trusting that God would tell me when to move, and He did.
Divorced with a feeling of being unworthy and unloved, He showed me I was valuable and brought healing, forgiveness, and restoration.

The only constant and consistent thing in my life has been the love of God.  I am grateful for that one moment, which has become my testimony, because it gave me the strength to forgive, to move forward, and to have so much joy through every inch of pain.

-jennilea

Two years later...

Facebook has been a great reminder that it's been two years since my life both became a total mess and started to come together.  Everything from photos I took the exact date I was last cheated on, to the day I made the decision to leave - the posts say it all.  Reliving these moments can be really painful, but more than anything I realize I am so grateful to not have to physically relive those same moments as I often did in the past.

Two years ago today I posted about my decision to remove myself from an abusive marriage and I still remember how much my heart trembled as I hit the "publish" button, knowing my entire life was about to become public, feeling shame for my marriage ending, and more broken than I ever had been before. I didn't know what kind of reaction I would receive.  I had no answers as to what I would be doing next.  Nothing was certain.

Before I knew it, I had comments and message after message which made me aware that I was not at all alone. People I know, love, work with, went to school with...they had dealt with similar pains.  No one was upset with me for my decision; all I experienced was love, acceptance, understanding, and affirmation in how I was feeling.  Every single message I read was instrumental in helping me heal. Through these messages and conversations, I was pointed back to the incredible God I serve, and I learned that I should feel no shame in the decision I made.  I never asked for what happened, and I certainly did not deserve it.

Two years later, I own my story and stand in confidence as I tell it to others.
Two years later, I am made new.
Two years later, I feel safe.
Two years later, I know my worth - and expect nothing less.
Two years later, I have discovered what it truly means to be loved as Christ loved the church.

Two years later, I am free.

-jennilea <3

Welcome to the new normal!

Six months ago, I wrote a blog called Transparency: This will explain a lot.  This was a huge deal for me, because it was the first time I opened up about the experiences I've had with domestic violence and infidelity.  Being a pretty private person (when it comes to my personal life/relationships), it was incredibly hard to let all of this out.  That being said, I can honestly say that I've never regretted the decision I made to tell all of you lovely people what happened.  It helped me feel heard.  It helped me feel like I wasn't going crazy.  As I wrote down and relived some of the worst moments of my life - it helped me come to terms with what happened.  It helped me heal.

Recently, domestic violence has been a hot topic in NFL news; While it is unfortunate it's had to come up in such a way, I sure am happy that it's opened up some sort of conversation.  What really stood out to me in all of this though, it the amount of backlash people who stay in abusive relationships received.  Yes - it's not the best idea, and most people don't want to or enjoy being slapped around - but I guarantee it is hardly ever as simple as just leaving.  Every person has a story - a situation you may not know anything about.  

With the backlash came a campaign that I was able to really get behind.  #WhyIStayed and #WhyILeft began trending on Twitter, where several women shared their stories in 140 characters or less.  This built an incredible community of support and encouragement.  I wasn't alone.  None of us were.  Furthermore, we weren't victims, we were overcomers.  

My contribution to the campaign:

I separated who he was when he drank & who he was when sober.I didn't want to be a failure if there was a chance this wasn't him #whyistayed  

I realized I am valuable. #whyileft

The freedom I felt in writing this is indescribable. The community and support received was amazing.

Six months ago, I started my blog off by saying: "One day, I know I will wake up and feel normal, but until then, I will keep pressing on, living life, feeling, trusting God, and having as much adventure as possible."

When I wrote these words, I had no idea what "normal" meant.  I didn't realize it, but in that moment, I connected that feeling with how I felt with the ex. If that is feeling "normal," then praise God I will never feel "normal" again!  Welcome to the "new normal," Jennilea!  It is far better than I could have ever imagined.  I feel like "me" again.  Excited, happy, driven, determined, adventurous, peace, joy, laughter, and completely - 100% healed!  My heart has been stitched back together and is held so intensely by the love of Jesus.  I also refuse to accept the "victim" title.  Nope.  I am an overcomer, and I am awesome.   

Finally:  I have completed my Day Zero Project!  101 things completed in 1001 days and I could not be more proud!  I had the wonderful opportunity to experience and learn so much.  I also had the opportunity to open up a letter I had written for myself when I first began this challenge.  I will be sharing that letter, the last few experiences, and what I've learned in the next few blogs I post - so keep checking back!

In other news: Deviating from my normal "fun" fact, I feel it is only fitting to mention that if you or someone you know is in an (emotionally, verbally, psychologically, or physically) abusive relationship, I encourage you to check out The National Domestic Violence Hotline.  They are available 24/7 and can get you help.  Staying is never your only option.

-jennilea

Experiencing Happiness!

90 things done - 73 days remaining:  http://dayzeroproject.com/user/jennileam/list/43740.

Recently, I've lit fireworks (thanks to Bri and Jimmy for that), rode the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland, and got my pup!  

This is Cobie - and he is absolutely perfect.  People told me that having a puppy would be a hard thing, but it really is not as bad as they made it sound - which is wonderful.  

I've learned pretty quickly that a puppy is as good as you train it to be.  He needs to be set up for success.  It's like having a child.  You don't leave your kids around things they can destroy or hurt themselves with, and when you do see them get into the wrong things, you correct it.  I take Cobie with me everywhere!  He loves people, and does really well around the animals he has met, so far.

We play a lot!  He is extremely active, and that keeps me active.  He loves cuddles, and since my life is now lacking that, I do not mind cuddling him.  HA!  We have training sessions each day and he is excelling in "stay" and "sit."  As he begins puppy classes, I hope he learns more just as quickly as he has picked up the first two commands.  We have a mini grooming session each day too, which consists of cleaning his ears, brushing his teeth, brushing his fur, and touching his eyes, paws, and gums so he gets used to that sort of thing for his vet and future groomer.  Yep...definitely like having a kid.  He is perfect.

I've got 11 more things to complete - including the need to add 1 more item to my list - so bring on the ideas!

Next topic:  Happiness.

I was hanging out with a friend, when a guy came up smelling completely of alcohol.  I am positive the man is an alcoholic (confirmed by the same friend).  The smell is sickening and all too familiar.  That smell, the craziness of that lifestyle - it's no longer part of my life.  I'm free.  I found that I don't need to place my worth in people, and instead find it in God.  The fact that, to Him, I am worth dying for.

I no longer have to search hard to find something to make me smile.  Happy things are all around.  I can breathe without fear.  I no longer feel sadness over my situation, but instead hope for what is coming.  My heart is healing and God is helping me rebuild and giving me perfect peace.  I am rediscovering things I am passionate about and working hard to achieve my goals.  I have the love and support of tons of amazing friends and family members.

In short, I am experiencing happiness.  Not fake, smile just to get through the day, happiness - but real honest excitement for life and for my future.

Life is beautiful.

In other news:  "You breathe on average about 5 million times a year."

(Read more cool facts here.)

-jennilea