My Own Doppelgänger

"Eventually, over time, we all become our own doppelgänger, these completely different people who just happen to look like us" - Ted Mosby

I've said this once, and I'm going to go ahead and say it again: I can relate everything in life to How I Met Your Mother, so here we go!

Four years ago, I started this blog to document my Day Zero Project. A coworker helped come up with my incredibly clever blog name based off of my last name. Thus "Dirty Londré" happened. After my divorce, I decided to keep my last name because, let's face it, it's way cooler than Mitchell. Plus all of my legal documents and accounts had that name, so it just makes things simple. I knew I'd have to ditch the last name sometime though, and I was ready for whenever that time would come (although it's coming much sooner than expected).

I finally have come to a place of wanting to remove it from my blog, which means I needed to come up with a new title. In an effort to try to come up with a simple, easy name, I asked friends on Facebook for there input. Points to those who came up with "ArrudAwakening." My friends are so silly.

One comment from my friend Cyrita left the idea of not defining myself by other people through my blog name. She said that my story is one of redemption and fresh starts. She gave Biblical ideas and really made me think of how I define myself, how others see me, and how I am seen by God.

This brought me to start questioning who I am. I'm not talking

some sort of existential crisis or anything, but more of a pondering on who I am today after coming from out of such a traumatic few years. I know more than anything that I don't want who I am to be defined by what I've been through. I will not be a victim. How do I want to define myself though? Suddenly, it hit me: The best definition for myself is exactly how God would see me. I am valuable, worthy, loved, forgiven...

One of my favorite verses is Matthew 10:31. I held on to it as I came out of the mess that was my marriage and it gave me comfort and healing. "So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." God provides for the sparrows, and how much more are we worth to him than birds? Just as He promises to care for His creation, He cares for us as well. And in those times where I questioned who I was and what I was worth, I found my worth in God.

Four years ago Jennilea was a completely different person from who I am now. I was in a different place facing incredible challenges and learning how to cope in my abusive situation. Present day Jennilea a completely different person who is free and healed; I know who I am - and I know my worth.

So, with a new look and a new name, I introduce you to my blog: Ten31, a place where I share about who I am, the things I've been through, the way God has healed my heart, how He continues to move in my life, and every bit of adventure I get to have.

-jennilea

Two years later...

Facebook has been a great reminder that it's been two years since my life both became a total mess and started to come together.  Everything from photos I took the exact date I was last cheated on, to the day I made the decision to leave - the posts say it all.  Reliving these moments can be really painful, but more than anything I realize I am so grateful to not have to physically relive those same moments as I often did in the past.

Two years ago today I posted about my decision to remove myself from an abusive marriage and I still remember how much my heart trembled as I hit the "publish" button, knowing my entire life was about to become public, feeling shame for my marriage ending, and more broken than I ever had been before. I didn't know what kind of reaction I would receive.  I had no answers as to what I would be doing next.  Nothing was certain.

Before I knew it, I had comments and message after message which made me aware that I was not at all alone. People I know, love, work with, went to school with...they had dealt with similar pains.  No one was upset with me for my decision; all I experienced was love, acceptance, understanding, and affirmation in how I was feeling.  Every single message I read was instrumental in helping me heal. Through these messages and conversations, I was pointed back to the incredible God I serve, and I learned that I should feel no shame in the decision I made.  I never asked for what happened, and I certainly did not deserve it.

Two years later, I own my story and stand in confidence as I tell it to others.
Two years later, I am made new.
Two years later, I feel safe.
Two years later, I know my worth - and expect nothing less.
Two years later, I have discovered what it truly means to be loved as Christ loved the church.

Two years later, I am free.

-jennilea <3