The story today is that here I stand, four years later, delivering a message of hope. Life gets so much better on the other side of the struggle.
If you're not familiar with my story, you can read up on a few recaps here:
The quick version is that after my (now ex) husband had cheated on me again, I realized that after 6 years of enduring abuse, infidelity, and more hurt that I ever thought possible, I took steps to get out. Here is how:
1. Establish your support system. I told two people I could trust, who would keep me from going back. Christina and Nikki were incredibly instrumental in that they have some of the strongest personalities and are firm when in decision making, which is exactly what I needed. If you're in this situation, find people like them. They will hold you the standard of value you truly do have...which is a whole lot more value than your abuser told you that you have.
2. Get out. When I made the decision to leave, I had absolutely “earned my way out,” as Nikki had put it. The hardest part about leaving is not knowing what the future holds. What if he does get better? Well...what if he doesn’t? After enduring all of the abuse and infidelity, I had always continued to support and love him, praying for a change. That change never came and if it was going to, I knew I wouldn’t be a part of that. One of my pastors said that you know change has truly happened when they decide to make a change, knowing they have still lost you. So, knowing that I had absolutely done all I could to save my marriage, I had to let him go. In a safe place, I told him I was done. I brought Brian with me (who was just an incredible friend at this time) to pack up and grab my stuff while he was gone. We brought it all to my moms.
3. Cut contact. This was something that took me quite a bit longer to do, and I wish I had done it sooner. The longer you stay in contact, the longer they will be able to control your mind, emotions, and heart. It wasn't until I finally cut all contact that I was able to truly let go and accept that it was over. Block them from social media, your phone, and tell people to stop updating you on their life. You don't need to know how they are doing.
4. Use your voice. I opened up to everyone about that happened when I released my blog "Transparency: This will explain a lot." In this blog, I explained what was going on, how I'm doing, and how everyone could help make this situation a little better for me. It's important to set expectations and let those in your life know how to best help you process through this major change in your life. I asked my friends for a few things:
What might I need or expect from you? Prayer...I need prayer constantly for my heart to heal and feel whole. If I need you, be there. Play games with me - I love game night. Take me on an adventure - or to experience anything new. Please feel free to ask me how I am doing. If I don't want to talk about it, respect that. Don't tell me I will be okay. I know I will be okay, but right now, it hurts - and that is pretty normal."
Another awesome part about opening up is that your voice has impact. When I released my blog, two friends reached out and made decisions to leave their abusive relationships as well. 1 in 3 women, and 1 in 4 men have been a victim of some sort of violence by a partner at some point in their lifetime (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence). Think about that number measured up to the amount of friends you have on social media alone. I promise, even if you feel alone, you will find that you are not.
You'll also find that you have a greater amount of support than you ever thought possible.
5. Get counseling. Talk to a Pastor, a mentor, or one of the many resources for survivors of domestic violence. One of my personal favorites is WEAVE. These resources will help you process, understand what you're going through, and will help you to stop making excuses for what your abuser did. They don't get excuses. Don't ever doubt that you deserve more than what happened to you.
6. Live Life. Be single. Enjoy new freedoms found in your safety. Know that there are amazing people out there and hold your standards high! Cling on to the lifeline of Jesus Christ, and know that you are enough.
Over the past 4 years, I found that each March-May, I start thinking about those terrifying moments. Anxiety skyrockets and fear sets in. I experience flashbacks and night terrors, and I cry a lot. Last year I made a decision to let it all go. This year is different. It actually kind of snuck up on me, and the only reason I remembered is because of the Facebook "Remember When" feature.
Being a survivor of domestic violence isn't the only thing that defines who I am. I'm a wife, a puppy mommy, a bonus mom, a daughter, a sister, niece, an aunt, a cousin, a friend, a promotions manager. I am forgiven, made new, and loved by an incredible God. I am valuable. I am strong. I am grateful. I am so much more.
Thanks for coming along this journey with me. It only gets better.
-jennilea
