Almost 17 Weeks!

It's been such an exciting time and I think week 16 has been my favorite so far.  I started feeling Baby A move around!  Not huge movements, but movements nonetheless.  It definitely helps things become more real for us, though I'm still waiting for the moment that this will REALLY sink in.

Last week (at exactly 16 weeks), we went to The Baby Connection for an ultrasound where they would determine the gender.  The hardest part is that we didn't get to see much of it.  Why?  It's completely our own fault.  We decided that we want to be surprised along with our extremely close family and friends when we find out the gender at our gender reveal party.  That being said, currently the only person who knows the gender of Baby A is my sister-in-law, Meloney.  Don't try to break her; she's been a great secret keeper thus far.

Luckily for us, the entire ultrasound was placed on a DVD which we are so excited to watch after our gender reveal celebration in just a few weeks. 

Here is what we did get to see though:

• Baby moves around, a lot!  All of that energy no doubt comes from me...not just because I'm physically providing all of it, but it's kind of a personality trait of mine as well. :)
• You can see baby's face on the ultrasound, and it looks like an alien.  So weird.  Haha.  The profile is super neat to see though!
• Baby prays...sort of.  They had us look at the ultrasound in this moment because we can't see the body, and because it looks like baby is praying. How cool is this!?  One of the things Brian and I (and anyone with our prayer list) have been praying for is that baby would have a passion and heart for serving God.  Seeing this makes me so excited for the hopes, dreams, and lots of prayers that we have for the future of Baby A. Feel free in joining us in prayer for baby.

Another update for the week is that I think my belly is finally starting to show a little!  I'll take a photo on Friday when I'm officially at 17 weeks, but my pants are definitely at a point where they are getting tight but at the same time maternity pants are still too big. A few people have suggested bands that help extend the pants I've got now, so I'm thinking I may go that route in the next week or so.

I'd like to end this blog with a question for Moms:  What style of maternity pants did you find more comfortable, and where did you get them from?

-jennilea

Sharing Our Story

Well, it's just about time.  Tomorrow we will be 12 weeks which means we get to share our secret with all of you.  Let me tell you, it is about dang time!  When you get exciting news, all you want to do is share it with the world.  We were blessed enough to be able to tell our closest family and friends, and through them, we are telling all of you.  If you haven't already, head over to my Facebook page to see our pregnancy reveal.

So now that you've all enjoyed that, I wanted to share with you how I told Brian:
My sister is a photographer (http://jackiraney.com/ if you're interested), and I instantly knew I wanted to tell him in a way that would also capture his reaction. We told him she was working on a couples project, which she does from time to time.  On letter boards, she had us say what we loved most about each other.  His said "I love her heart and her passion" while mine said "You're going to be the best dad! 2019"  We stood back to back and then faced each other when she told us to.  At that point, we looked at each other's signs (well, I looked at his face while he read my sign).  He had this look of confusion, and then it clicked: He is going to be a dad!  When we were talking about it later, he told me he was confused because he thought I did it wrong.  Haha!

Here are photos from that moment.  We hope you enjoy sharing in our joy:

-jennilea

11 Weeks!

Here we are: 11 weeks!  Yesterday we got to see baby.  We were expecting to hear the heartbeat, but my doctor told us they err on the side of caution during the first trimester because doppler could potentially lead to miscarriage.  So we wait until our next appointment at the end of October to hear it.

Here is a picture of baby A, who is starting to actually LOOK like a baby:

Measuring exactly to where it should be to keep that due date of April 19th.

New things for week 11:

• I'm getting my energy back! 
• I haven't really had any morning sickness.  As long as I eat breakfast, I haven't gotten too nauseous.  
• I can smell all of the smells.
• Aversions:  Minty gum (so sad), fish, fried food, eggs (except in quiche and the spinach egg wraps from Starbucks for some reason), and garlic.
• Having gained a whopping pound and a half, I'm not showing much yet.  Here is a photo from week 1 to now. 

So far we are doing pretty well. :)

-jennilea

We're Telling Family & Weekly Updates!

Ah the joys of telling family!  Now that we're feeling better about everything, we've started to tell our family and very close friends, which has been really exciting!  We've given a good amount of thought on how to tell each of those people, and we've filmed their reactions - which you will all be seeing by the time these blogs are out.  We hope you enjoyed watching it just as much as we enjoyed walking it out.

In week 7, I finally starting to feel hungry again!  I'm trying my best to eat things that are going to be good an nourishing for baby and for myself rather than using the old "eating for two" excuse.  The only hard part is that I'm getting hungry a lot more often than I did before.

Aversions: Fish, garlic, and fried food.  No thank you!

In week 8, I was completely exhausted! All I wanted to do was sleep.  

Same aversions. I'm also having trouble getting water down which is a problem I've literally never had!

In week 9, I started off sleeping my days away if possible.  I experienced a small amount of morning sickness on day.  Toward the end of the week I started getting my energy back!  I love eating cold foods, especially fruit!  Aversions are still the same.

I am doing my best to stay as active as I can even if it's just a walk around my neighborhood.  I still enjoy lifting and aerial yoga as my favorite activities!

I'm almost to week 10 and we are about 1 week out from our next ultrasound.

It's been a wild and exciting few weeks. 

-jennilea

We Saw The Heartbeat

At our ultrasound appointment we got such great news!  Baby has a heartbeat!  We got to see it and she said the rate was perfect (note to self to ask about how many beats next time).  It so crazy how baby went from being a dot at 5 weeks to seeing a head and body a week and a half later!

Somehow this is moving fast yet so slow all that the same time.

Brian is absolutely incredible and so supportive.  The hours I spent in pain in the he spent awake with me either holding me, helping put pressure where it hurt, or by pouring warm water on my tummy to help the heat kick in faster.

When I am scared, he prays with me and comforts me, not showing even an ounce of fear.  His bravery and strength astounds me - especially later on when he tells me that on the inside he was freaking out all of those scary nights.  But then we get to see this - and it's a reward for all the pain.  My body is doing exactly what it's supposed to be doing to create this home for baby for the next several months.

We are still in disbelief that all of this is real - but it's happening, and we couldn't be more excited for our future, and our family.

Our next appointment is on September 27th, which feels really far away.

Can't wait to post this journey. :)

-jennilea

Waiting Is Hard

Here I am, on August 30th, waiting...again.  By the time you reach this, we will have announced that we are pregnant (hopefully), and alllll of these posts will be available to the world, but for now, we are waiting in secret, and my heart is pounding because it's been a rough few weeks.  Here is a recap for you:

I am 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant today, but we found out around 4 weeks. Week 4 was actually pretty easy.  Nothing felt different, a few light cramps here and there, but almost right after week 5 hit, I began experiencing some really awful cramping.  I have a relatively high tolerance for pain, but these were put me in the ER, radiating to my back, and I can hardly walk cramps.  They happened often, and went from lasting about 10 minutes to over 45 minutes of the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.

When I went to the ER for the first time, I was by myself in Southern California for work.  It was 3am, and I was exhausted, and terrified.  By the time I got to the hospital, the pain had stopped.  They ran tests, did an ultrasound, and everything thankfully came back normal.  They said the cramping is normal during pregnancy and can sometimes get pretty bad but (as long as there is no bleeding) everything is fine. "It's just from growing and stretching." I was back at my hotel by 8:30am.

I had a follow up appointment with my OBGYN a few days later, and she mentioned that my symptoms are tough, because so early nearly everything is a sign for your period, miscarriage, or a normal pregnancy.  I was already aware of this though because...Google.  That being said, she wanted to run more tests before having me come in a week and a half later to see if we can get a heartbeat.  My blood tests came back showing hormone levels were still rising correctly, which gave us some peace of mind.

On Tuesday, the fear set in again though as the cramping was the worst I had felt of all the days.  Remember me mentioning cramping that radiates to my back?  The part about not being able to walk?  Bingo.  That was it.  My incredible husband took me to the ER, where we once again had tons of tests ran only to be told that it's still from growing and stretching.  Good news, but at the same time, is this life for the next 9 months?  I don't know how to experience this amount of pain while also living life and working, but I had to do something.

With much hesitation, I decided I needed to take whatever could help the pain so I could start getting rest again, and get back to work.  Tylenol is the only thing that I'm able to take, and 500mg doesn't help at all, so they recommended 1000mg, 3 times a day until it stops.  2 nights ago was the first time I've been able to sleep through the night in almost 2 weeks.  Last night was even better.

The pain is scary, and it makes me sad that I couldn't tough it out - especially because I'm really hoping for a natural birth without an epidural.  This is the first time I've felt like I can't do that;  a failure before I've even gotten to that point.

There are a lot of mixed emotions happening right now, but right now the biggest one is fear.  We are just a few hours from meeting with our doctor where I am praying there will be a heartbeat and that everything will be okay.  Pregnancy is actually pretty scary, way more than I had expected - and waiting is really hard, but that's all we can do for now.  So...we wait.

-jennilea

My Testimony

When I was younger, I would sit in church and hear all of these incredible redemption stories that usually included deliverance from addiction or just really awful things that happened before someone finally found God - and/or realized that He was there all along.  They were stories of healing, forgiveness, and lives forever changed.  While I was grateful to have not experienced those moments before asking God into my heart, I felt like my story really wasn't powerful at all.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

My testimony is just that:  It's the fact that I've grown up knowing and loving the Lord, which set my life on a completely different track from where it could have gone.

After knowing me, several people have said that they were surprised that I'd gone through so much, because my face tends to show nothing but joy.  That joy is 100% from God, and it was placed in my heart after facing a tragedy when I was 14.  My parents split up.  My dad had met someone else with kids, and they had become his family - leaving us behind.  At the time, this was the worst thing I had experienced in my young 14 years, and I was completely crushed.  Growing up, I was a daddy's girl through and through and all of that was gone.  I felt more alone than ever before and I was so angry at him, and at God for allowing this to happen.

One afternoon, while completely alone in our new apartment, I finally hit a breaking point and just cried my eyes out before actually yelling at God.  Doubting Him, I said, "Why did you let this happen?  I am alone and for the first time I don't feel you here either.  I need to feel that you're here now more than ever!"  I cried even harder and fell to my knees, begging God to show me He was real in that moment.

What happened next was what set my heart on complete fire for God, and has literally carried me through every bad day and every heartbreaking experienced I've faced.

On my knees in the living room floor, crying enough tears to fill an ocean, I felt arms wrap around me and I was being held.  I was filled with this overwhelming sense of joy and love, and my tears began to take on a new meaning.  I knew in that moment that God was real, and I was so incredibly loved by Him. No matter what I would face, He would be there holding me up.  God the Father, showed up in true form for me right when I needed Him to.

I have carried what I learned that day through everything I've faced in life.

Raped and left feeling empty, I was filled with God's love, peace, and was wholly restored.
Knife to my side and hand to my throat, I closed my eyes trusting that God would tell me when to move, and He did.
Divorced with a feeling of being unworthy and unloved, He showed me I was valuable and brought healing, forgiveness, and restoration.

The only constant and consistent thing in my life has been the love of God.  I am grateful for that one moment, which has become my testimony, because it gave me the strength to forgive, to move forward, and to have so much joy through every inch of pain.

-jennilea

Four Years: Life After Abuse

After enduring 6 years of physical and emotional abuse from my husband, I left.  It wasn't easy.  I had doubts, I was disappointed, and I felt like a complete and total failure to myself, to my friends and family, and God.  Of course, none of that was true.

The story today is that here I stand, four years later, delivering a message of hope.  Life gets so much better on the other side of the struggle. 

If you're not familiar with my story, you can read up on a few recaps here:

Transparency: This will explain a lot.

Your Voice Will Save You

Two Years Later...

Three Years Ago, I Found Freedom

The quick version is that after my (now ex) husband had cheated on me again, I realized that after 6 years of enduring abuse, infidelity, and more hurt that I ever thought possible, I took steps to get out.  Here is how:

1.  Establish your support system.  I told two people I could trust, who would keep me from going back.  Christina and Nikki were incredibly instrumental in that they have some of the strongest personalities and are firm when in decision making, which is exactly what I needed.  If you're in this situation, find people like them.  They will hold you the standard of value you truly do have...which is a whole lot more value than your abuser told you that you have. 

2.  Get out.  When I made the decision to leave, I had absolutely “earned my way out,” as Nikki had put it. The hardest part about leaving is not knowing what the future holds. What if he does get better? Well...what if he doesn’t? After enduring all of the abuse and infidelity, I had always continued to support and love him, praying for a change. That change never came and if it was going to, I knew I wouldn’t be a part of that. One of my pastors said that you know change has truly happened when they decide to make a change, knowing they have still lost you. So, knowing that I had absolutely done all I could to save my marriage, I had to let him go. In a safe place, I told him I was done.  I brought Brian with me (who was just an incredible friend at this time) to pack up and grab my stuff while he was gone.  We brought it all to my moms.

3.  Cut contact.  This was something that took me quite a bit longer to do, and I wish I had done it sooner.  The longer you stay in contact, the longer they will be able to control your mind, emotions, and heart.  It wasn't until I finally cut all contact that I was able to truly let go and accept that it was over.  Block them from social media, your phone, and tell people to stop updating you on their life.  You don't need to know how they are doing. 

4.  Use your voice.  I opened up to everyone about that happened when I released my blog "Transparency: This will explain a lot."  In this blog, I explained what was going on, how I'm doing, and how everyone could help make this situation a little better for me.  It's important to set expectations and let those in your life  know how to best help you process through this major change in your life. I asked my friends for a few things:

What might I need or expect from you?  Prayer...I need prayer constantly for my heart to heal and feel whole.  If I need you, be there.  Play games with me - I love game night.  Take me on an adventure - or to experience anything new.  Please feel free to ask me how I am doing.  If I don't want to talk about it, respect that.  Don't tell me I will be okay.  I know I will be okay, but right now, it hurts - and that is pretty normal."

Another awesome part about opening up is that your voice has impact.  When I released my blog, two friends reached out and made decisions to leave their abusive relationships as well.  1 in 3 women, and 1 in 4 men have been a victim of some sort of violence by a partner at some point in their lifetime (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence). Think about that number measured up to the amount of friends you have on social media  alone.  I promise, even if you feel alone, you will find that you are not. 
You'll also find that you have a greater amount of support than you ever thought possible.

5.  Get counseling. Talk to a Pastor, a mentor, or one of the many resources for survivors of domestic violence.  One of my personal favorites is WEAVE.  These resources will help you process, understand what you're going through, and will help you to stop making excuses for what your abuser did.  They don't get excuses.  Don't ever doubt that you deserve more than what happened to you.

6.  Live Life.  Be single. Enjoy new freedoms found in your safety. Know that there are amazing people out there and hold your standards high!  Cling on to the lifeline of Jesus Christ, and know that you are enough. 

Over the past 4 years, I found that each March-May, I start thinking about those terrifying moments.  Anxiety skyrockets and fear sets in.  I experience flashbacks and night terrors, and I cry a lot.  Last year I made a decision to let it all go.  This year is different.  It actually kind of snuck up on me, and the only reason I remembered is because of the Facebook "Remember When" feature.

Being a survivor of domestic violence isn't the only thing that defines who I am.  I'm a wife, a puppy mommy, a bonus mom, a daughter, a sister, niece, an aunt, a cousin, a friend, a promotions manager.  I am forgiven, made new, and loved by an incredible God. I am valuable.  I am strong.  I am grateful.  I am so much more.

Thanks for coming along this journey with me.  It only gets better.

-jennilea