Long Overdue

This post is long overdue!  By now, you might know that I've finished my Day Zero Project.  In my final days on the project, I went through a whirlwind of experiences to finish my list.  This included the following:

Reading the Bible
Finish books suggested by friends
Visit Manda in Oaklahoma
Complete a 3D Puzzle

Oklahoma was OK!  I went with Brian to see his brother graduate from basic training - Good job, Steven!  After, we went to visit Manda!  All flights and drive time were full of reading or listening to the Bible on CD.  I underestimated how long that task really would take.  It was actually one I was working on right up to the final minutes of the project!  Completing it felt amazing.

We were also able to complete a 3D puzzle of a bird.  I've come to really love puzzles...since I've completed one of the three thousand piece puzzles I worked on.

I learned so much over the last few years, but the most valuable lesson I learned was that things sometimes need to change - and you have to be okay with that.  There were so many other things on my list I would have loved to complete, but was unable to for lack of accounting for proper time to get them done.  I was disappointed the first time I had to change something on the list - but then I realized that this is exactly how life is.  We often make plans for our lives - our future - we have this idea of how we will live, what traditions we will follow, what we will be when we grow up, etc...The reality is that these things sometimes change, and we have to be able to change right along with them.
When I had to make my first change to the list, I felt like everything was pointless then, but it wasn't.  I simply needed to add something else that would bring me to completing another goal!  While I still tried to limit the amount of things I made changes too, when the time came that I had to trade in a goal, I was able to do it - not feeling defeated, but knowing I did my best and other opportunity will arise in the future.

Another thing I've taken from this is that if I want to do something - I should go do it!  This is within reason of course.  Ha!

For example, I really wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride.  I didn't need a list to get it done - I had the ability to just go out and do it, and luckily enough, I had a wonderful friend who treated me for my birthday. :]

We had an all day adventure of hot air balloon riding, travel, and the ocean.  It was a complete blast and I would most definitely do it again.

Also, during the lift, I realized I am definitely not afraid of heights anymore.  I rocked it, completely fearless.  I definitely have my list to thank for that as well. My fear of heights was one thing that held me back from doing a lot - and I am so happy to be done with that.

So, now that my list is over, I plan to make new goals - and conquer them!

Another recent goal I've hit is graduating from Sac State!  I completed my schooling in 3 semesters, as planned, and will be graduating on Friday!  I also plan to update this blog more frequently. :]

In other news, my puppy is adorable:

This gorgeous pup is 20 pounds of awesome.  Cobie is probably one of the best decisions I could have made.  He's just amazing.

Finally, with Christmas coming up soon - I wish you all a Merry Christmas - I sure am excited to be giving a ton of gifts this year - especially knowing that these are gifts my friends and family will definitely enjoy.

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and a safe and super fun New Year.

-jennilea

I wrote myself a letter nearly 3 years ago...

In my Day Zero Project, I had challenged myself to write a letter and open it after my project.  I am so happy I did this:

Dear future Jenni,

You are probably just as awesome now as you were in 2012.  I hope you don't have kids yet, because there are still things to do and future me will slap you.  I hope you completed the list - it is a lot to do, but completely worth it!  Congrats on you AA!  Keep working hard at Sac State and graduate soon!  None of this 5 years at Sac State crap.  Graduate and move on!  Now that your 1001 days is over, complete any goals you may not have finished - hopefully there will be none left.  Keep traveling.  Next big trip...Italy only.  Keep exploring.  Do as much as you can before officially settling down.  Is How I Met Your Mother still on?  That show will remain awesome forever.  The most important thing over the next 2.75 years is that your relationship with God grows.  Never stop growing in Him - because He is pretty awesome.  Depend on Him - ALWAYS!  I hope nothing difficult is bringing you down, and if it is, you will get through it.  Hang onto the lifeline of Jesus Christ.  Keep on keepin' on and stay awesome.  Say "hi" to Steven and Jadelynn for you.  Wow - Jadelynn is like 9 by now - weird.  And you are 24 - and Steven is 28.  Crazy!!!  Have fun times, future Jenni.

<3 Past Jenni

Well, some things never change.   For example, I'm still awesome.  Ha!  

There are many things in this letter to comment on.  First, I had a detail wrong.  Steven is 29, not 28.  

Next, past me was right on the money about not having kids yet.  Later in the letter when past me says "before officially settling down," I was also referring to having children.  My mind is still on that same thought.  There are so many things to do - and I definitely have wanderlust still...and, of course, I am slightly less married than I was when I wrote this letter.  

Past me congratulated future me on my AA - even writing this before I was done at ARC, so that was neat.  I also like that I told myself to push through Sac State - which I've been doing.  I graduate in December, after attending Sac state for only 3 semesters, so I didn't let myself down there.

Next, past me told future me to go to Italy next - and used the word "only" because I tend to overbook my life (as many already know), and I really want to enjoy this trip.  Interestingly enough, a few months ago, I made the decision to go to Italy this coming summer!  It's my graduation gift to myself. :]

Of course past me would mention How I Met Your Mother - It's still my favorite show, even though it's over now.

Finally - past me told future me to always rely on God.  That never changed.  Even in going through the hardest points in my life, I never stopped relying on Him to carry me though.  

The interesting thing here is that, though none of you may pick up on it, even in this letter - in this time, I was very uncertain on my relationship.  When past me said "I hope nothing difficult is bringing you down,"  This was code for saying I hoped my husband had really quit drinking, wasn't being abusive, and that everything would finally be how a marriage was supposed to be.  We never got there - but that's okay.  I've turned into a stronger person.  Over the last 2.75 years, I grew fearless in an entirely different way:  I became fearless enough to leave my unhealthy marriage and seek more for myself. 

Going through this letter was definitely a neat experience.  

In other news, there is a city in Turkey called "Batman."

Find more So True Facts online here.

-jennilea

Welcome to the new normal!

Six months ago, I wrote a blog called Transparency: This will explain a lot.  This was a huge deal for me, because it was the first time I opened up about the experiences I've had with domestic violence and infidelity.  Being a pretty private person (when it comes to my personal life/relationships), it was incredibly hard to let all of this out.  That being said, I can honestly say that I've never regretted the decision I made to tell all of you lovely people what happened.  It helped me feel heard.  It helped me feel like I wasn't going crazy.  As I wrote down and relived some of the worst moments of my life - it helped me come to terms with what happened.  It helped me heal.

Recently, domestic violence has been a hot topic in NFL news; While it is unfortunate it's had to come up in such a way, I sure am happy that it's opened up some sort of conversation.  What really stood out to me in all of this though, it the amount of backlash people who stay in abusive relationships received.  Yes - it's not the best idea, and most people don't want to or enjoy being slapped around - but I guarantee it is hardly ever as simple as just leaving.  Every person has a story - a situation you may not know anything about.  

With the backlash came a campaign that I was able to really get behind.  #WhyIStayed and #WhyILeft began trending on Twitter, where several women shared their stories in 140 characters or less.  This built an incredible community of support and encouragement.  I wasn't alone.  None of us were.  Furthermore, we weren't victims, we were overcomers.  

My contribution to the campaign:

I separated who he was when he drank & who he was when sober.I didn't want to be a failure if there was a chance this wasn't him #whyistayed  

I realized I am valuable. #whyileft

The freedom I felt in writing this is indescribable. The community and support received was amazing.

Six months ago, I started my blog off by saying: "One day, I know I will wake up and feel normal, but until then, I will keep pressing on, living life, feeling, trusting God, and having as much adventure as possible."

When I wrote these words, I had no idea what "normal" meant.  I didn't realize it, but in that moment, I connected that feeling with how I felt with the ex. If that is feeling "normal," then praise God I will never feel "normal" again!  Welcome to the "new normal," Jennilea!  It is far better than I could have ever imagined.  I feel like "me" again.  Excited, happy, driven, determined, adventurous, peace, joy, laughter, and completely - 100% healed!  My heart has been stitched back together and is held so intensely by the love of Jesus.  I also refuse to accept the "victim" title.  Nope.  I am an overcomer, and I am awesome.   

Finally:  I have completed my Day Zero Project!  101 things completed in 1001 days and I could not be more proud!  I had the wonderful opportunity to experience and learn so much.  I also had the opportunity to open up a letter I had written for myself when I first began this challenge.  I will be sharing that letter, the last few experiences, and what I've learned in the next few blogs I post - so keep checking back!

In other news: Deviating from my normal "fun" fact, I feel it is only fitting to mention that if you or someone you know is in an (emotionally, verbally, psychologically, or physically) abusive relationship, I encourage you to check out The National Domestic Violence Hotline.  They are available 24/7 and can get you help.  Staying is never your only option.

-jennilea

Experiencing Happiness!

90 things done - 73 days remaining:  http://dayzeroproject.com/user/jennileam/list/43740.

Recently, I've lit fireworks (thanks to Bri and Jimmy for that), rode the Indiana Jones ride at Disneyland, and got my pup!  

This is Cobie - and he is absolutely perfect.  People told me that having a puppy would be a hard thing, but it really is not as bad as they made it sound - which is wonderful.  

I've learned pretty quickly that a puppy is as good as you train it to be.  He needs to be set up for success.  It's like having a child.  You don't leave your kids around things they can destroy or hurt themselves with, and when you do see them get into the wrong things, you correct it.  I take Cobie with me everywhere!  He loves people, and does really well around the animals he has met, so far.

We play a lot!  He is extremely active, and that keeps me active.  He loves cuddles, and since my life is now lacking that, I do not mind cuddling him.  HA!  We have training sessions each day and he is excelling in "stay" and "sit."  As he begins puppy classes, I hope he learns more just as quickly as he has picked up the first two commands.  We have a mini grooming session each day too, which consists of cleaning his ears, brushing his teeth, brushing his fur, and touching his eyes, paws, and gums so he gets used to that sort of thing for his vet and future groomer.  Yep...definitely like having a kid.  He is perfect.

I've got 11 more things to complete - including the need to add 1 more item to my list - so bring on the ideas!

Next topic:  Happiness.

I was hanging out with a friend, when a guy came up smelling completely of alcohol.  I am positive the man is an alcoholic (confirmed by the same friend).  The smell is sickening and all too familiar.  That smell, the craziness of that lifestyle - it's no longer part of my life.  I'm free.  I found that I don't need to place my worth in people, and instead find it in God.  The fact that, to Him, I am worth dying for.

I no longer have to search hard to find something to make me smile.  Happy things are all around.  I can breathe without fear.  I no longer feel sadness over my situation, but instead hope for what is coming.  My heart is healing and God is helping me rebuild and giving me perfect peace.  I am rediscovering things I am passionate about and working hard to achieve my goals.  I have the love and support of tons of amazing friends and family members.

In short, I am experiencing happiness.  Not fake, smile just to get through the day, happiness - but real honest excitement for life and for my future.

Life is beautiful.

In other news:  "You breathe on average about 5 million times a year."

(Read more cool facts here.)

-jennilea

1920s Night Leads to Wearing Green Tights

One evening - we decided it was 1920s night.  Christina, David, Yessica, Sean, and I all headed out for an adventure.  [Sidebar:  Christina always comes up with the coolest themed nights.  We're been doing this since high school - and we're awesome.]

During this night, we got on the subject of tights.  Sean believed tights were not that big of a deal, so I added a goal to my list: Get Sean to wear green tights.

Many months down the road - I was losing hope that this would happen.

Christina and David decided to have a Christmas party.  [Sidebar:  I love Christmas time.]  At this party, people dressed up...Specifically, David and Sean:

They made it happen...and it was awesome.

 I am incredibly grateful for the awesome friends that I have - who go WAY out of their way to help all of my goals happen.  So - thank you, David and Sean, for wearing tights...and totally rocking them.



Lastly, I am leaving to get my wee pup in exactly 1 week!  YAY!

In other news:  When you yawn and stretch at the same time, you are "pandiculating."

(Find other useless facts on Buzzfeed here.)

-jennilea

Not Where I Was

With all the stress of life and school, let's face it:  As far as fitness goes, I am definitely not where I was this time last year.  I have been letting that really get me down, but have come to realize I need to just stop.  I can look back at my life the last few months and know exactly what I've been doing wrong.  Sometimes I get in this mood where I just think of how far I have to go to reach my fitness goals, that doing nothing seems like the easiest option.

It's true, doing nothing IS the easiest option, but it is definitely not the best option.  If being fit was easy, everyone would do it.  Hard work pays off - and when I think of how comfortable I was with my body this time last year, I know it will be worth the work.  I also know that change took place so quickly when I followed the guidelines Jamie laid out for me at The Dungeon.

With life being as hectic as it is, I decided to take online training with Jamie at The Dungeon.  She still does my meal plans, gives me different workouts for me to do during the week, and checks in on my progress.  Let me tell you, the online workout plan is not at all easier than the plan at home.  The only thing different is that I have to be able to push myself.  I have to make myself get out and go to the gym, watch my form, and make sure to push myself to the breaking point.  It is far from easy.

This week, one of my days included the card game workout.  This is far from a game...It keeps you moving as you flip through your deck and really showed me just how out of shape I am compared to before.  When I can hardly get through 15 burpees in a row - where I was able to get through at least 50 before needing to stop previously.

Word of advice:  Taking time off is NOT worth it!!

After my workout, I sat there, sweating, out of breath, and tired and thought to myself, "What the heck - I should be able to do all of this no problem!"  As I felt sorry for myself about how much further back I was than before, I realized ummm I am still better than I was before!  I remember the first time I did the card game, where I definitely did not finish the entire thing withing 45 minutes (recommended time).  This time was another story.  I may have taken just a few mins over the 45, but that was still about 10 minutes faster than when I was doing this last year!  Not all progress has been lost, I just have to work that much harder to be where I want to be!

Following my workout and meal plans has already given my self esteem a nice little boost!

Whenever I feel down, I remind myself to stop looking at how far I have to go or how far I am from where I was this time last year.  In reality, I have come so far from where I was when I first started and as long as I keep pushing myself, I will be even further than I could have imagined by this time next year.  Fitness is not something you do just until you reach your goal.  You have to keep working to maintain.  Don't take breaks.  Keep pushing through and you will reach your goals, set new ones, reach those goals, set more new goals, reach those, etc.

We have to choose to push on to be where we want to be.  We can't stop.

I won't stop.

In other news:  "On average, it takes about 12 weeks after beginning to exercise to see measurable changes in your body."
For more fitness fun facts, click here!

-jennilea

We don't stop living.

I would like to start off by saying "Thank you!"  Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me in the last month and been encouraging and loving.  Thank you to everyone who has shared their stories with me - even though many of you don't actually know me.  It takes a lot to be that transparent and vulnerable in such a sensitive situation and you have all overwhelmed me with your love, support, and prayers. I am so grateful for each and every one of you.  You have all helped me grow a bit stronger.

So given all of the life changes, I fell into a brief slump where I just didn't want to do literally anything.  One day I woke up and decided that, even though we all face trials, we don't stop living.  It's not an option.  In fact, during the tough times we need to get out there and live more than we did before.  I needed to do things for myself, have adventures, go to class, complete goals on my list...live.

I've done a lot of list things since I made the decision to keep moving forward:

Completed "The Time Traveler's Wife"
Started "Mortal Instruments"
Pointed to a spot on the map and went there (Half Moon Bay)
Drove through the guard shack at Yessica's house without stopping (my rebel phase)
Walked across the Golden Gate Bridge (loved doing this!)
Completed a 1000 piece puzzle:

After attempting to complete a 1000 piece puzzle at least 2 other times, I am proud to have finally finished this one.  It was definitely a lot more challenging than the others, but doing this puzzle was some great alone time.  Actually, working on this puzzle was the first time I really felt okay being alone...so that was kind of a big deal.

Music and puzzles...my escape.  :]

I have now completed 87 of 101 items with 142 days left!  EEK!  I better get to work!

Next, I'd like to address dating.  I've been having sort of a tough time with this subject lately.  One thing I promised myself was no rebounds.  Just me, Jesus, family, and friends.  I don't want to rush into anything.  So, making this clear to the world:  My life just changed in a major way.  I am not dating right now.  Stop asking. Stop assuming.

Along the subject of dating, I've began watching "Boy Meets Girl" from Louie Giglio.  The message in even the first talk was absolutely amazing!  One hour in, and I've come to an even greater sense of my worth and value.  I've learned to grow, mature, and stay in my fortress of intrinsic value before seeking out any relationship.  It is so incredibly important to know your value in God because that value is so much greater than what you will find in any other relationship.

Louie says "Brokenness gives way to restoration.  Wear newness in the midst of our brokenness and healing can come."  Run tell dat, Louie!  Lol.  I am taking those moments of brokenness and letting God change me, heal me, make me whole, and make me new.  I have to say, I am loving all of the amazing things he is doing in my life.  I really do feel value, healing, and change.  I feel happy.

Finally - school is out.  One more semester and then I am done.  Forever.  :]

In other news:  Butterflies range in size from a tiny 1/8 inch to a huge almost 12 inches.

Find more useless facts here.

Transparency: This will explain a lot

One day, I know I will wake up and feel normal, but until then, I will keep pressing on, living life, feeling, trusting God, and having as much adventure as possible.

A few weeks ago - my entire world crashed down when I found out my husband of 6 years had been less than faithful.  Here is my story:

In 2008, I got married way too fast and way too young - but was determined to make everything work. I am extremely stubborn and work ridiculously hard to keep what I want.

Very early on in our marriage, we encountered issues with substance abuse.  Growing up, I was never exposed to alcohol - so it took a bit of time before I realized - "Woah - you drink a lot!"  The realization didn't actually hit me though until he did.  Yep - along with the alcoholism came physical abuse...a lot of it. Being married, I believed that I owed it to him to stick it out and work through it, as long as he was willing to get better.  We struggled on and off again with him quitting for a few weeks, then starting up again, quitting, then starting again. I had marks I came up with excuses for, a giant knife pulled on me...There were so many times I didn't know that I would make it through the night.

The patterns of abuse and addiction because so incredibly overwhelming until the final straw was pulled:  He got home drunk and with a random stranger around 2am.  He had been missing all night, and I was worried sick.  When I realized he had been drinking, I made the decision to leave.  He tackled me to the ground - and to my surprise, the random stranger guy did absolutely nothing.  In fact, he said to me "It's okay, you guys love each other - it will get better."  In that moment, I was overwhelmed with anger.  It wasn't okay.  It wasn't getting better.  For the first time, I fought back just enough to get him off of me - run to my car, and book it out.

It was at this point I realized I needed to stop separating who my husband was.  I knew he was an awesome guy when he was sober - but when he drank he was my worst nightmare.  At the end of the day - this was still the same person doing the damage.  If the sober version cared, he would have done all he could to not be the drunk version.  Why try to control an addiction if it risks physically hurting your wife each time?

Finally, I gave him a choice:  Enter a live in program or we can be done.  He chose to enter a one year live in program.  After failing at the one year mark, and finding out he had been drinking during pretty much the entire program, I told the program leads because there is no way he would leave with the same problem.  His program was extended another 6 months.  He failed again, but that his point, we were nervous as to what his outcome would be as far as custody went for his daughter, so I didn't say anything this time in exchange for a promise to seek outside help.  That never happened.

We continued to struggle - where there would be months at a time where I thought he would be sober - come to find out otherwise.  It all came down to one night I had gone out of town for a fitness conference, came home, and he was nowhere to be found.

After doing some digging, I found out he had gone to a party the night before and had been drinking - after believing he had been sober for about 6 months (which he had not been).  Not only that, there was a possibility he had been involved with another girl.  This would not be the first time in our marriage that he had done something like this - though I didn't know until later.  I asked him over and over if he had been drinking that night - even pointing out that I already knew, but needed to hear it from.  He insisted he was fishing the night before...then finally told the truth that he'd been drinking.  There are only so many times I can say "if you don't stop drinking, I am leaving."  I decided to leave.

He immediately became involved with the girl from the party.  No time wasted at all.  I confronted her - and just really tore her apart with my words.  Pretty sure I scared her off.  Go me!  During that time, his drinking had also become so heavy that he lost another job.

He ended up moving to Fresno to work at a Christian camp, where I believed his life was really changing.  We decided to work on things - but before we did that, I needed him to tell me the complete truth about everything.  Sparing no feelings, I needed to know it all.  It was at this point that he told me he had kissed another girl shortly after we got married, things happened with the girl at the party (but not sex), and that he had never stopped drinking at all until he got to Fresno.  I really urged him to tell all because at this point, I was feeling everything - so nothing more would make it worse.

The next 7 months were pretty good, until he started getting pretty mean, verbally.  Then, I felt the urge to seek out the truth about the girl at the party from someone else, because I felt like there was so much more to the story that what he said.  It was confirmed to me that he did have sex with her at that party - while he and I were still very much together.  Needless to say, I was completely crushed.  I gave him an opportunity to tell me the truth - pointing out that I also already knew the truth, but needed to hear it from him.  He lied about it for about a week, then finally came forward with the truth.

At this point, I had endured so much pain and hurt in this relationship, I knew I couldn't take on more.  Especially given the fact that I had to argue with him for an apology of any kind.  It felt done.

Very quickly, he moved on...like within a few days, hooking up with a close family friend, and then pursuing someone else.

For the past 7 years, he has been my life.  I've tried all I can do and fought harder for my marriage than I really should have.  At some point, it's time to quite fighting.  I am not going to lie - this hurts and it sucks.  It's the most painful experience I've ever had to endure - especially because after all of this time, being there and fighting - to be cheated on simply because he wanted to "feel chased."  I feel like all the fighting I did for our marriage was chasing enough for a lifetime.

All of this brings me to having issues with my worth - but I have come to realize that my worth has to come from God first.  We can't find our worth in people, because people suck and are far from perfect.  To God, I am worth so much more - I deserve more.  Furthermore, him quickly moving on isn't about me or my worth either - it's a rebound to fill the void he now has.  It's temporary.  

What he did wasn't about me not being good enough; it's about whatever issues he has within himself.  Hurting people hurt people, and until he can find healing within himself, he will always hurt people.  I take comfort in knowing that it will not be me next time.

For now, my life consists of making it - day to day.  Fighting with myself to get up, move, go to school, maintain life - and just get better.

What might I need or expect from you?  Prayer...I need prayer constantly for my heart to heal and feel whole.  If I need you, be there.  Play games with me - I love game night.  Take me on an adventure - or to experience anything new.  Please feel free to ask me how I am doing.  If I don't want to talk about it, respect that.  Don't tell me I will be okay.  I know I will be okay, but right now, it hurts - and that is pretty normal.

One day, I know I will wake up and feel normal again.  I will be happy.  All of this will be behind me.  Far down the road, I will find someone who will "move mountains and destroy kingdoms" for me.   Someone who loves God and loves me - real love.

Thanks for taking the time to read this - and thank you for all of your love and support.  It is very much needed.

-jennilea