There Is No Neutral Exchange...

I used to sleep with my car key and pepper spray in my bra. It might sound silly, but this tactic, along with the help of one incredible police officer, would end up saving my life one night.

This morning I got to chat with the officer whose voice has been in my head for the last 11 years saying that I was worth it and that I deserved more.

Let me take you back about 11 years...

**Trigger Warning** Graphic Domestic Violence Details Below:

Sometimes I would wake up to being beaten. Apparently in my sleeping state I often did things to upset him as well. To help protect myself, I started going to sleep with pepper spray and my car key in my bra. I never used the pepper spray. For some reason I could never convince myself to use it on him when it would have been very reasonable to do so. Maybe I had a fear it wouldn't actually work or that he would just end up using it on me. Still, it gave me comfort to just have it on me. 

My car key is a completely different story.  It was often my key to safety. When he would get angry, the two things he would take from me were my phone and my keys. I didn't want to be in a place where I couldn't get help if I needed it, so at the end of the night I would grab my keys, carefully and quietly slide off my car key, put it in my bra, and then replace the set where my keys would usually go.

This night was very similar to how nights had gone in the past. We would have a great day, he would come home and things would be fine, until suddenly and out of nowhere they became a nightmare. I was laying down asleep, and he woke me up. I don't remember what he was mad about, if I'm being honest. I just know he was angry. Absolutely enraged. He took my phone away from me. I tried to hide in a closet between the wall and a dresser. He found me and dragged me out to the living room where he proceeded to hold me down on the ground. He held my wrists. It was painful and again I thought that this might be my last night alive. My arms burned as if each touch was seering deep into my wrists and forearm. My stomach ached. My arms were throbbing. He finally was done with me for that moment. But I knew he wasn't done for the night. 

As soon as a free moment came, I jumped up and ran as fast as I could for my car. He was close. I could hear him running after me. I jumped into my car, locked the doors, and began to drive away. He was so close that he was able to actually kick my vehicle as I drove a way, leaving a dent which would remind me of this day for months. I drove and drove. I didn't have a phone and didn't know who I could reach out to. I just wanted to be safe, so I decided to find a police officer. We lived in Sacramento, but West Sacramento was nearby, and I knew I would find an officer there. Withing a few minutes of taking the Jefferson Blvd exit off of 50. The officer has pulled someone over. While I waited at the red light, I called out to her and said I needed help. She wrapped up her interaction with the other person, and came to me. I told her what had happened.  She said that while she was unable to help, she would tell an officer who can help to meet me.  We decided the other officer would meet me at a place of my choosing. I ended up choosing the parking lot at my job.

I waited and waited, constantly looking over my shoulder in fear he might pop up. It had been almost an hour before I finally decided to leave.  I went to a shell gas station to use their phone so I could call 911. The clerk refused to let me use the phone. I let him know it was an emergency, but still I would be told I had to use the payphone outside. No exceptions.  Even in my emergency.

I looked around, shivering in my pajamas, and walked to the payphone. My eyes constantly scanned the area for him. A dispatcher finally picked up and I shared what had happened to me that night.  An officer would meet me at Shell a short time after that.

When I saw his police vehicle drive up, I let out a sigh of relief. I knew I would be okay tonight, but I had no idea what was going to come out of this interaction. This was the first time I had called an officer out for help.

Officer Jason Meier got out of his vehicle and approached me. He asked what had happened and I broke down in tears. After telling my story, he mentioned that he would be going to arrest him. I begged him not to. He looked at me, and in the most gentle, matter of fact way he said, "You called for help. This is how I can help you. If this isn't what you want to be done, what is it that you'd like me to do." I just sighed and though tears I said, "I just want to be safe."

He asked if I had any bruises or marks on me. I did. I showed him my arms, each with their own hand print from my wrist to my forearm. It was bad. For the first time I saw just how bad. He looked at me with kindness in my eyes and said, "I have to arrest him. This is how I can help you be safe." He spoke in to my worth and said I needed to consider leaving. He was right. I knew he was right, but I wasn't ready. He gave me some resources before leaving to arrest my husband, my abuser. 

He was gone, and I was alone with my thoughts; the thoughts that no one would be able to rescue me out of this situation, I would need to pull myself out of it.

5 years later, when I would finally leave, I thought back to this moment and this day. I thought back to my interaction with Officer Jason Meier and I knew I had to rescue myself from this.

****

In 2017, our amazing friend Sean Poore helped me by tracking down the name, badge number, and where he worked. My plan was to thank this officer. I held on to this information, and when our friend Sean died, I didn't want to use this gift he gave me because it was like opening the last thing he had given me and I just wasn't ready to say goodbye to it. Two weeks ago, it felt like it was time. 

I reached out to another officer and friend who was able to get me in touch with officer Meier. Today I got to talk to him and, through tear, tell him how much of an impact this encounter had on me. He was blown away. He had said that in his 15 years serving, he had never had someone reach out to him like this. He said that you never know if the things you say impact those who you encounter. He often gets discouraged as he sees the cycle of abuse continue and so badly wants to see it end, so knowing that he had a part to play in my freedom meant the world. 

Officer Meier is now working in the Mental Health Unit with Sac PD, and I can't help but think he is absolutely in the right place.

I've dreamt of this day for a long time.  I've thought about the things to do and the words to say. Today was perfect.

One of my favorite quotes comes from Brennan Manning, "In every encounter we either give life or we drain it.There is no neutral exchange."

I can't help but think back to this moment where Officer Jason Meier chose to speak life, and in turn helped drastically change my life.

In every encounter, you have the ability to change a life. Don't take that for granted.

<3 -jennilea

Birth Control Confessions

Fun fact: Birth control has the power to destroy your mind.

I don’t mean that every form will do it, or even that all people will experience the same thing, but it sure did make a difference for me.

I’ve been on the Mirena since last year and half the time I haven’t been able to tell if I was sad due to Postpartum Depression or if something else was going on. About 3 months ago I noticed the timing of experiencing extreme sadness. The same time each month, lasting about 2 weeks time. In those two weeks, I experienced a wide range of emotions from getting defensive to small things, feeling like people absolutely hated me for no reason, to being ultra critical and unreasonably upset about small things. I would cry out to God to just fix me. I hated who I was becoming.
This is not who I am.

What really sucked is that I couldn’t pull myself out, which I think I’ve said before. I tried to brush it off as the stress of that is going on in our world, but when I noticed the pattern of timing, I knew it had to be more.

I talked to my doctor about what I was experiencing, and we agreed that it would be best to try something new. It’s been almost a month and I feel so different! I feel peace and joy.

I feel like myself. 💚

I’m loving more. I’m seeing people for who they are rather than taking things personally. I love who I am. I love my people.

I’m grateful for my incredibly patient husband, Brian. I am thankful for being called out, de-escalation conversations, and venting sessions with my brother Chris and sister Meloney. I’m blessed by the support and advice from the first class friends who know exactly who they are.

Hormones are wild. If something feels off, it probably is. Never stop advocating on behalf of your needs.
When you get tired, know that there is an army of people willing to help you fight and work toward getting answers.

Maybe you’re in a similar place where you feel utter sadness. Maybe it’s something completely different from hormones. Whatever the case is, I encourage you to keep looking toward those bright lights until you find your answer. Days may be hard, but it always gets better. 💚

Lights Shine Bright - 2020

Yo. This year has been ridiculous right?! I know I’m not the only one feeling it.
•
Yesterday I was driving and going through my mental checklist of everything that has gone wrong each month this year. That cycle of negative thoughts sure had the power to kill the goodness in your life if you let it.
•
As I was going through, I got to June and paused. Not because things haven’t happened this month, but because what the heck am I doing? Why am I dwelling on all of these bad things? In all of these months, we’ve had some incredible things happen too, but I’ve allowed the negative to overtake every positive.
Read. That. Again.
I allowed this to happen. I’ve chosen to keep a running list of the negative. I’ve chose to to sit and dwell on things that aren’t worth my time. Focused on thoughts and opinions of others who really don’t hold much weight in my life to begin with. I’ve chosen to be angry instead of letting things go. I chose.
Just like I’m choosing to see the good now.
•
The reality is that there have been so many bright spots and bright people over these last 6 months. I’ve seen God MOVE and felt His presence and peace when it really didn’t make sense to have peace. I’ve had support and love from every person who matters in my life - and even from people who I don’t know well. If you ever want a tribe of social media friends and strangers cheering you on, do #75hard. I heard words of encouragement from all over and those people helped me push through those hard days.
My marriage, guys! Brian and I have never been in more sync than where we are now. We’ve taken so much time to read, talk, seek counsel...and we are seeing the fruit of it all in how connected we are. Seeing him parent Brenli leaves me in awe of just how blessed we are to have him in our lives. I’m so in love.
•
This year has been so so crazy, but so has God’s goodness through it all.
•
If there is anything I’ve learned in life, it’s that lights shine brighter when it’s dark. There are a whole lot of lights in my life. 💚

Brenli's First Year!

One Month:

April 14th • 6 pounds, 12 ounces • 20 inches

We were not planning to have you 5 days early, but we are so very blessed to have those 5 extra days of your life.

You are 1 month old. It’s been a challenging month where we’ve cried, laughed, and learned so much!
We’ve had the support of friends and family through all hours of the night and a huge range of emotions. We’ve been encouraged, loved on, and prayed for.

At 1 month old, here is what we’ve learned about you:
•You hate bath time unless you’re sitting up.
•Skin to skin time is your favorite with both me and with your dad.
•You LOVE tummy time and now hold your head up for several minutes at a time.
•You are incredibly alert and like to be seated up to look out at everything around you. You especially like to look around outside.
•You track our voices, faces, and some of your toys when we play with them.
•Hillsong United and white noise calm you down.
•You like to be bounced around when held and to have your butt tapped.
•You have a love-hate relationship with the car seat. You seem to love it when you’re sleeping, but as soon as you wake up you cry...a lot!
•Walks make you fall asleep, and when you wake up and start crying, we remove the carrier and rock it back and forth, which puts you to sleep almost instantly. You basically just love movement, which is likely my fault with how active I was while you were in my tummy.
•You love being swaddled but like your arms to be free.
•You love being wrapped in the Moby Wrap! You could sleep (and have slept) for hours wrapped up close to me.
•You make silly faces and sometimes look like an old man. We have enough photos of those expressions to embarrass you through your teenage years.

We love you more than we ever thought was possible, Brenli, and are so blessed that God chose us to be your mommy and daddy. 💖

Two Months:
You’re 2 months old and here is what we know about you:

•You have adjusted to bath time as long as it’s on the warmer side.
•You loves cuddles with me and with daddy. It’s how you fall asleep best! Or in your swing.
•You don’t like tummy time as much as you did before, but you do like laying on your back while looking at your toys. •You are still so incredibly alert and like to be seated up to look out at everything around you. You especially like to look around outside.
•You track everything you see and hear.
•You still like to be bounced around when held and to have your butt tapped.
•Are getting used to your car seat and have even stayed awake in it a few times without crying.
•You are SUPER expressive which gives us tons of laughs.
•Speaking of laughs...you laugh now! You’ve only done it a few times, but we are not short on smiles. 😊 You smile most in the morning.
•You’re almost ready for size 1 diapers and fit newborn to 0-3mo clothes, depending on the brand.
•You’re discovering your hands and feet! You stare at your feet and watch them move in complete awe.

It’s not always easy, but even through our most challenging moments and lack of sleep, we are completely in love with you, sweet girl.

Three Months:
You’re 3 months old now! Here is what we’ve learned about you:
• You smile a lot - especially when smiled at.
• You have a favorite toy! It is the one from Nikki that crinkles and is perfect to freeze for teething. You hold it and shake it around.
• You like to be outside. There are lots of sights and sounds to take in.
• You do tummy time for about 20 minutes at a time. The better the mood the longer you’ll do it.
• You love your piano play mat. You can kick it and make music.
• You and daddy have a new special song: Even Though I’m Leaving by Luke Combs
• You’re in 0-3 month clothes but can fit some 3 month onesies.
We love you so much, Brenli. 💚

Four Months:
It’s been 4 months since you’ve graced us with your presence. Here’s what we know about you:
• You LOVE your daddy. You smile really big each time you see him.
• You roll over to your tummy, and have rolled over to your back just a couple of times.
•You laugh often.
•You LOVE bath time. You love to splash and get water everywhere!
•You love the elephant song and lovey!
•You fit in 0-3month clothes and occasionally 3 months outfits as well.
•You’ve got some teeth coming in!
We love you so very much, love bug! 💚

Five Months: 


You are 5 months old and I feel like we are finally figuring this thing out. This last month has been the easiest. Here’s what we know about you:
•You smile super big when you see me and daddy after a long work day. I think that means you like us. 😉
•You roll all over the place.
•You smile, laugh, and are definitely finding your voice.
•If I sing to you while putting you in your car seat, you don’t cry.
•You fit in 0-3month and 3 months outfits.
•You are showing signs of teething.
•You love walks and being outside.
•You really like story time - of course bright colored books are your favorite. You also like to bite on crinkle books.
•You fight sleep but your swing always wins.
•Your favorite toys are your piano, drums, teethers from Nikki and Liam, and your elephant lovey.
•You’re trying to crawl and are learning to sit up.
•You pet Cobie now. You guys will be such great friends.
•Today it sounded like you said “Hi” after putting your hands on my face. But if could just be part of the sounds you make nonstop.
It’s such a joy to watch you grow. We love you so very much, love bug! 💚

Six Months:
6 months! This has somehow been the fastest 6 months of our lives. Brenli, you have challenged and made us grow in so many areas. We’re learning to understand that not all of your days will be good ones, that you’re super ticklish on your sides, you love to see us after a long day, and each of your cries mean something different...which takes some real patience, if I’m being honest.

Here are a few other things we’ve learned about you:
•You wear size 3 months and are starting to break into 3-6 month clothes.
•Still teething with no actual teeth cutting through just yet.
•You’ve had bananas, carrots, and sweet potatoes. Carrots are your favorite so far. You like to feed yourself too. You hold on super tight to your spoon and cry when we take it away.
•We sing the @philadelphiaeagles fight song when we put you in your car seat. It silences tears and makes you smile.
•You’ve been enjoying car rides a bit more - as long as you aren’t hungry.
•You get really hangry. A trait you definitely got from your dad.
•You’re starting to crawl. It’s really just a ton of rolling with the occasional scoot forward.
•You sit up! But you also fall down but you’re getting stronger each day.
•You LOVE being read to. You try to turn the pages on your own.
•You’re really chatty. We love having conversations with you.
•It’s about time to start buying bath toys for you because you love playing in the bath tub.

Half a year down. We love you so much, love bug. 💛💚💜

Seven Months: 
Thumbs up for being 7 months old! Here is what we’ve learned about you this month:
•You’re eating solid foods! So far you aren’t super picky. Bananas, apples, and sweet potatoes are always a win. You absolutely hate eggs though.
•You’re crawling a bit - getting better each day!
•You pull yourself up to get a better view.
•You most definitely say “hi!”
•You cry less. Praise! 🙌🏼
•You are in 6 month clothes - but still fit a good amount of 3-6 month ones.
•Today you sat up on your own completely!

This month has been full of some big milestones, and we can’t believe time has gone by so quickly.

We love you so much, love bug. 💚

Eight Months:
Here is what we’ve learned about you this month:

•You are trying really hard to walk. You pull yourself up and take big, confident steps with just a little support.
•You can crawl, but you don’t prefer to.
•You like pretty much every food now. I can’t think of a single one you won’t eat just yet. Today we tried meatballs and you loved them!
•Today you sat down on your own after standing. It was not smooth, but you went for it.
•You wave a lot!
•You like people with beards. 😂😂 I think they remind you of your dad.
•You dance to music and sing on key.
•You wear size 6 month clothes.

Happy 8 months, love bug. We love you so much! 💚

Nine Months:
We have a 9 month old! I’m not entirely sure how that happened so quickly, but here we are. Your personality has really started to shine. Here is what we’ve learned about you:

•You are learning to walk! You stand up by holding on to anything around you. On Sunday to stood up on your own for about 3 seconds!
•You play peek-a-boo! You hold up your blanket, clothes (anything really) in front of your face and bring them down with a big smile!
•You clap! We say “yay” and you clap instantly.
•You also wave to say “hello” and “goodbye”
•You’ve started making a really funny noise. You scrunch your nose and breathe in and out of it with your lips pursed - or sometimes in a big smile. It makes us laugh pretty hard.
•You have a solid night routine. I change you for bed, read you a story, nurse you a bit, and then daddy sings you to sleep. He even made you a Brenli playlist to play throughout the night. You usually wake up around 5 to nurse again, and then you’re out until 8am.
•You’ve been sleeping in your crib since December 21st! Auntie Jacki put you to sleep in there while Daddy and I were on a date and you did so well we decided to keep you in there each night.
•You wear 6 month clothes and weigh 14.2lbs!
•I started taking you running with me. When we start running after our warmup walk, you laugh.
•Speaking of laugh, you started making this tiny laugh sound, and it’s probably the cutest thing I’ve ever heard.

We love you so much, love bug.

Ten Months: 
This is my 10 month old, guys!
Brenli, this last month has been one of the best yet! We are so close to the 1 year mark and birthday planning is in full force!
Here is what we’ve learned about you this month:
•You stand up on your own! And you walk with us holding one hand now instead of two. The best way to get you to stand on your own is to clap and say “yay!”
•You can say, “Hi” “Hey” “Bye bye” “mama” “dada” and “love you”
•You blow kisses, raspberries, and give kisses to me, dad, and your cousin Emily.
•You love blueberries, broccoli, and chicken - and pretty much everything we give you. Eggs are hit and miss right now. You really like water too.
•You dance by a shaking your hips or bouncing your legs.
•Your favorite books are “Night-Night California” “Snowy Day” and “God Gave Us You”
•You wear 6 month clothes and fit a few of your nine month outfits as well - AND you just hit 16lbs!
•You smile so much and are so happy (most of the time). We love you so much, love bug.

11 Months:
11 months old! These photos are getting really hard to take. 🤷🏼‍♀️
Here is what we’ve learned about our girl:
•You don’t stop moving. You are so full of energy and always want to be doing something.
•You still don’t enjoy your car seat or the stroller. *sigh* Maybe someday...Until then, I wear you when we go out for longer periods. Yep...I wore you for most of Disneyland.

•You still like all the foods.
•You wear size 6-9 months. Definitely getting into the 9 month clothes more often, especially because of your long legs.
•You prefer people with beards.
•You like to play peek-a-boo, mostly when you’re the one hiding.
•You’re wanting your bottle less and less.
•You like books that have things you can feel.
•You took your first steps, but still need help when walking. I can tell that you’ll be running as soon as you’re able to.
•You are so very determined. We prayed you would be.
•This week you started covering your mouth when something really makes you laugh. It’s so cute!
•You have two teeth taking their sweet time to break through.
•”It’s A Small World” is your favorite ride.
•You LOVE Cobie! You always want to play with him. He really makes you smile.
•The pacifier is nearly gone! We are hoping to be fully off of it by 1 year. Right now we use it for “emergencies” and long drives.
•You love the water. Bath time, showers, you love it all!

We are officially done breastfeeding. We lasted almost 11 months and I’m so dang proud, but home girl was ready to be done. It’s bittersweet and I’m so grateful that I was able to make it so long, especially while being a working mama!

We love you so much, love bug. 💚

One Year:
One whole year of being able to hold our love bug in our arms. Here’s what we’ve learned about you:
•You have two teeth - both on the bottom.
•You love Moana! It helps keep you busy while I’m working from home. #QuarantineLife
•You finally don’t seem to mind your car seat or stroller.
•You love being out side and always ask “that?” about everything.
•You wear size 9-12 months.
•You LOVE books! Especially ones with animals and other babies. We read “Are You My Mother?” around 20 times a day.
•You are silly and you know it. When you do things that make us laugh, you do it again to make us laugh more.
•You are for sure testing the word “no.”
•You blow kisses. You also give sweet wide open mouth kisses.
•You are super chatty and very busy.

It's been such an incredible year for us and it just keeps getting better. So excited to see what this next year has in store for us. <3 

-jennilea