I was married before so clearly I've had sex already, so why choose to wait now? I can't tell you the amount of times I've been asked this by friends, family, and even complete strangers. I could easily just say "well...that's none of your dang business," but if they are asking and really care to know, then I want to give the most real response possible.
So, let's go down the rabbit hole then...
If you're not up to date on my previous posts, then let's get you up to speed. I was raped when I was 18 years old by a "friend." I blamed myself, felt shame - It shook me to the core. He denied it was what it was, and we never talked about it again.
I got engaged, and my choice to wait never really felt respected. It was constantly brought up, I heard phrases like "if you don't then someone else will," among so many other things. I held strong, but on the inside I felt so very broken and it always seemed to bring me back to that place where I felt the shame I did before.
We got married, he turned abusive, and sex was the furthest thing from my mind. How could I trust this person with my body if I couldn't trust him with my heart - or even my life? As you can guess, this was a major hiccup in our marriage. He always wanted and I tried to deliver - but inside I just felt broken and used. It didn't feel like everything I had dreamed of. I didn't feel loved, cherished, valuable, or even respected.
By the time I got out of that relationship, I really just felt like damaged goods. I didn't feel any worth, and I felt far from pure.
That's where Jesus stepped in.
When I truly began to seek Him first and find healing, I was able to forgive the man who raped me. I forgave the man who beat me and made me feel used. I would have a fresh start, knowing that I was worthy to be waited for. I felt pure again. This was starting over.
I hear it time and time again: "It's 2017, waiting is old school."
Maybe so, but I know that it's what God asks of us - and after feeling as broken as I did before, I am going to protect and guard that part of my heart until the day I say "I do."
What's even better is that I've found the person who is completely content in the waiting. At least to my face. Haha! But that's all that matters right? That he is willing to not put the pressure on me. He respects and honors the decision I have made and will help me see that through until October 23rd.
October 23rd? Nope - that is not a typo! Right after the wedding, we head to Belize. Our flight takes off 2 hours after the wedding, so our first time will be in our fancy resort room...60 feet from the ocean, and covered in nothing but love, honor, and respect. Call it vanilla, but it's actually going to be exactly as I thought it would be when I was 18 years old because it's going to be centered in real love.
I'll be safe. Nothing else will exist but us in that moment...
...and probably for months after.
-jennilea
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