Here I am, on August 30th, waiting...again. By the time you reach this, we will have announced that we are pregnant (hopefully), and alllll of these posts will be available to the world, but for now, we are waiting in secret, and my heart is pounding because it's been a rough few weeks. Here is a recap for you:
I am 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant today, but we found out around 4 weeks. Week 4 was actually pretty easy. Nothing felt different, a few light cramps here and there, but almost right after week 5 hit, I began experiencing some really awful cramping. I have a relatively high tolerance for pain, but these were put me in the ER, radiating to my back, and I can hardly walk cramps. They happened often, and went from lasting about 10 minutes to over 45 minutes of the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.
When I went to the ER for the first time, I was by myself in Southern California for work. It was 3am, and I was exhausted, and terrified. By the time I got to the hospital, the pain had stopped. They ran tests, did an ultrasound, and everything thankfully came back normal. They said the cramping is normal during pregnancy and can sometimes get pretty bad but (as long as there is no bleeding) everything is fine. "It's just from growing and stretching." I was back at my hotel by 8:30am.
I had a follow up appointment with my OBGYN a few days later, and she mentioned that my symptoms are tough, because so early nearly everything is a sign for your period, miscarriage, or a normal pregnancy. I was already aware of this though because...Google. That being said, she wanted to run more tests before having me come in a week and a half later to see if we can get a heartbeat. My blood tests came back showing hormone levels were still rising correctly, which gave us some peace of mind.
On Tuesday, the fear set in again though as the cramping was the worst I had felt of all the days. Remember me mentioning cramping that radiates to my back? The part about not being able to walk? Bingo. That was it. My incredible husband took me to the ER, where we once again had tons of tests ran only to be told that it's still from growing and stretching. Good news, but at the same time, is this life for the next 9 months? I don't know how to experience this amount of pain while also living life and working, but I had to do something.
With much hesitation, I decided I needed to take whatever could help the pain so I could start getting rest again, and get back to work. Tylenol is the only thing that I'm able to take, and 500mg doesn't help at all, so they recommended 1000mg, 3 times a day until it stops. 2 nights ago was the first time I've been able to sleep through the night in almost 2 weeks. Last night was even better.
The pain is scary, and it makes me sad that I couldn't tough it out - especially because I'm really hoping for a natural birth without an epidural. This is the first time I've felt like I can't do that; a failure before I've even gotten to that point.
There are a lot of mixed emotions happening right now, but right now the biggest one is fear. We are just a few hours from meeting with our doctor where I am praying there will be a heartbeat and that everything will be okay. Pregnancy is actually pretty scary, way more than I had expected - and waiting is really hard, but that's all we can do for now. So...we wait.
-jennilea
Friday, October 5, 2018
Thursday, May 3, 2018
My Testimony
When I was younger, I would sit in church and hear all of these incredible redemption stories that usually included deliverance from addiction or just really awful things that happened before someone finally found God - and/or realized that He was there all along. They were stories of healing, forgiveness, and lives forever changed. While I was grateful to have not experienced those moments before asking God into my heart, I felt like my story really wasn't powerful at all.
I couldn't have been more wrong.
My testimony is just that: It's the fact that I've grown up knowing and loving the Lord, which set my life on a completely different track from where it could have gone.
After knowing me, several people have said that they were surprised that I'd gone through so much, because my face tends to show nothing but joy. That joy is 100% from God, and it was placed in my heart after facing a tragedy when I was 14. My parents split up. My dad had met someone else with kids, and they had become his family - leaving us behind. At the time, this was the worst thing I had experienced in my young 14 years, and I was completely crushed. Growing up, I was a daddy's girl through and through and all of that was gone. I felt more alone than ever before and I was so angry at him, and at God for allowing this to happen.
One afternoon, while completely alone in our new apartment, I finally hit a breaking point and just cried my eyes out before actually yelling at God. Doubting Him, I said, "Why did you let this happen? I am alone and for the first time I don't feel you here either. I need to feel that you're here now more than ever!" I cried even harder and fell to my knees, begging God to show me He was real in that moment.
What happened next was what set my heart on complete fire for God, and has literally carried me through every bad day and every heartbreaking experienced I've faced.
On my knees in the living room floor, crying enough tears to fill an ocean, I felt arms wrap around me and I was being held. I was filled with this overwhelming sense of joy and love, and my tears began to take on a new meaning. I knew in that moment that God was real, and I was so incredibly loved by Him. No matter what I would face, He would be there holding me up. God the Father, showed up in true form for me right when I needed Him to.
I have carried what I learned that day through everything I've faced in life.
Raped and left feeling empty, I was filled with God's love, peace, and was wholly restored.
Knife to my side and hand to my throat, I closed my eyes trusting that God would tell me when to move, and He did.
Divorced with a feeling of being unworthy and unloved, He showed me I was valuable and brought healing, forgiveness, and restoration.
The only constant and consistent thing in my life has been the love of God. I am grateful for that one moment, which has become my testimony, because it gave me the strength to forgive, to move forward, and to have so much joy through every inch of pain.
-jennilea
I couldn't have been more wrong.
My testimony is just that: It's the fact that I've grown up knowing and loving the Lord, which set my life on a completely different track from where it could have gone.
After knowing me, several people have said that they were surprised that I'd gone through so much, because my face tends to show nothing but joy. That joy is 100% from God, and it was placed in my heart after facing a tragedy when I was 14. My parents split up. My dad had met someone else with kids, and they had become his family - leaving us behind. At the time, this was the worst thing I had experienced in my young 14 years, and I was completely crushed. Growing up, I was a daddy's girl through and through and all of that was gone. I felt more alone than ever before and I was so angry at him, and at God for allowing this to happen.
One afternoon, while completely alone in our new apartment, I finally hit a breaking point and just cried my eyes out before actually yelling at God. Doubting Him, I said, "Why did you let this happen? I am alone and for the first time I don't feel you here either. I need to feel that you're here now more than ever!" I cried even harder and fell to my knees, begging God to show me He was real in that moment.
What happened next was what set my heart on complete fire for God, and has literally carried me through every bad day and every heartbreaking experienced I've faced.
On my knees in the living room floor, crying enough tears to fill an ocean, I felt arms wrap around me and I was being held. I was filled with this overwhelming sense of joy and love, and my tears began to take on a new meaning. I knew in that moment that God was real, and I was so incredibly loved by Him. No matter what I would face, He would be there holding me up. God the Father, showed up in true form for me right when I needed Him to.
I have carried what I learned that day through everything I've faced in life.
Raped and left feeling empty, I was filled with God's love, peace, and was wholly restored.
Knife to my side and hand to my throat, I closed my eyes trusting that God would tell me when to move, and He did.
Divorced with a feeling of being unworthy and unloved, He showed me I was valuable and brought healing, forgiveness, and restoration.
The only constant and consistent thing in my life has been the love of God. I am grateful for that one moment, which has become my testimony, because it gave me the strength to forgive, to move forward, and to have so much joy through every inch of pain.
-jennilea
