"When we own the story, we can write a brave new ending."

I was raped. 

There. I said it. But it doesn't feel good to say - not that it should "feel good" to say. It certainly isn't easy to say either. I say it quietly and with hesitation - almost as if I should be ashamed that it happened, but why? Why do I feel ashamed of something I had no control over; why am I ashamed that my "no" wasn't good enough? 

What if I had fought harder?

What if I had screamed? 

What if I haven't allowed myself to be isolated with this person?

What about my conversation could have been changed so he wouldn't see me as his next victim?

Victim. I hate that word and refused to be labeled as such. In this moment - I take back my life. In this moment I am overcoming my best kept secret from a night of regrets and "what ifs" because the thing is that this person made a decision to take my choice from me. This person took away my right to  "no!" 

As the night replays like a nightmare in my dreams I am haunted by that simple question of why...

18 years old and attending a friend's birthday party - I had decided to sleep over. It seemed safe - everyone was sleeping over. What I didn't expect was to be woken up by someone I had known so well, drunk, and forceful. 

No! 

No! 

Stop!  No! 

At this point I am crying. I'm fighting. He was stronger. 

Just like that - Something I had decided to save until marriage was stolen. I was broken. What's worse - he denied it happened. 

For whatever reason, I told myself it didn't happen too - until I couldn't escape the hurt and brokenness. It happened. And it sucked. I blamed myself and decided to keep it a secret. Eventually telling my closest friends as years passed by. I thought I had dealt with the issue - but I hadn't. Randomly the moment would replay in my mind and suddenly I would experience the event all over again. 

I was broken. 

Finally, I went to a women's retreat. After hearing from the speaker - I was wrecked. She had been through similar things and her story was powerful. I decided to speak to her about what I had gone through. She said these words:

"You were raped. What happened to you was real. It happened. Your choice was taken in that moment - but you know what wasn't? Your purity." 

Like weight lifted off my shoulders. That wasn't considered my "first time" because it wasn't my choice. 

I felt better that day - but guilt and shame still found a way to creep into my life again. No sooner than I came to terms with being raped, I had also come to terms with my abusive marriage. Only one heartache at a time. So I pushed that event back again - like there is some sort of quota on the amount of grief one person can experience. I decided I would feel better if I just never thought about it. Again, living like it had never happened. 

That brings me to a few months ago. I went out with my friends and a guy felt like he had the right to touch my body - and I was filled with rage. I most definitely followed him, yelling along the way that he can't just touch whomever he wants - and using a few other choice words as he scurried away. This time I didn't keep quiet. Encouraged by friends, I told security. It was my mission to handle it - I  would not keep quiet. 

As I continued to process through that moment - I realized the anger I had felt was because he felt like he had rights to my body - just like that "friend" felt he had several years prior. I faced it - and I was angry; a stage of grief I had previously never allowed myself to feel.

Thoughts of the recent event, coupled with being raped a few years prior had consumed my thoughts. I wanted to scream - or do anything other than be completely silent. 

So that's what brings me here...where I am calm, rational, and can make those thoughts and feelings into some sort of sense.

I am here, writing this,  because if every experience I've gone through were to stay hidden, then they would have been for nothing. But if one person can read these words, realize this wasn't their fault, tell someone, and seek help - then this was worth it. People learn from the experiences of others. They grow. They get better. 

I also realized that I had refused to take this pain to God because I could barely even admit it happened to myself. I prayed. I prayed for healing, strength, comfort, peace - and that God would use my voice and the story I have. I prayed that this would just be another story I have overcome, and that through it all I would continue to have that joy and passion for life He has placed so deeply in my heart. 

I smiled. I felt better. 

I'm not a victim anymore; I'm free. I'm transparent - and finally talking about this feels so incredibly good. As I sit here, crying, and ready to post this huge part of my life for the world to see...I feel strong. 

We heal when we become transparent. We find community and new ways to deal with the devastating reality of the tragedy we have suffered. 

We get better. I feel better. Thank you, Jesus. <3

-jennilea. 

"God is great!"

In a dark bar with loud music in the background spewing curse words and lyrics that are way too sexual for my taste - I see people all around having fun in their environment, not realizing how incredibly lost they are.

This first act goes up and I quickly realize she is using a looping technique, which is promising - but unfortunately did not turn out to be of any quality.  There was a dancing unicorn and slinky, and I'm not entirely sure what I had witnessed.  The lyrics were fitting for the environment though - and they screamed brokenness - even though she tried to hide it through angry lyrics.

They next act revels in getting high, promiscuity and drunkenness.  You could tell they were having fun with it though - and the lead worked pretty hard to interact with the crowd.

Finally, we get to the performance I've been waiting for: Izreal Graham and the Narrow Path Band. Everything from his lyrics to the clothes Izreal wore was a representation of God's love.  In that moment, I realized why they were in this dive location - full of people who probably couldn't care less about who God is.  Izreal's stage presence took over and seriously brought church into that bar though.  As he shared his story - that the reason why he comes into these areas is with the hope that others where he had come from would be able to experience God in a way just as real as he had.  This wasn't just a performance - This was a mission field.    

Photo credit:  Maria :]

During their performance, Maria's voice was peaceful - and the lyrics were real.  She raised her arms in the air and it was suddenly a worship set - but complete hip-hop - throwing in some incredible jazz when Justin Smith Williams began playing his saxophone. Josh was incredible on the bass - and Mike was fabulous on the drums.  

Suddenly, during the set, Izreal said, "SAY GOD IS GREAT!" - Giving a pause so the audience had a chance to repeat the declaration.  To my complete surprise - they repeated it!  My first thought, okay - they are just in the moment - maybe they didn't realize the words that were being said.  He proclaimed again, "SAY GOD IS GREAT!"  Again, they repeated those same words - over and over -just as he had led them too.  Suddenly we are in a room full of people, who seconds ago may not have said those same words.  I noticed that each time Izreal proclaimed his love for God - and why he was there in that bar - to reach their hearts - the audience cheered.  

In this moment, I was reminded of a verse:  Mark 2:17 - “...It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”

God doesn't call us to only sit in our churches or around our Christian friends talking about how great He is - but to take that message and deliver it to those who may not realize they are in need of His perfect love. To take it to those who may never step into a church to hear the gospel message - And that is EXACTLY what Izreal and the Narrow Path band did last night. God's word never returns void, and there is no doubt in my mind that seeds were planted.

Thanks for bringing church wherever you guys go. I couldn't be more proud to know such incredible people.

-jennilea